


Here To Stay

by loire, meeokie



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: A long af Hato fic from Hell, Angst, BBL spoilers, BDSM, Blood and Torture, Bloodplay, Brother/Brother Incest, Buckle up, Consensual Kink, Consensual Violence, Denial of Feelings, Edgeplay, Emotional Manipulation, Good luck everybirdie, Holiday Star spoilers, Implied Past Relationships, Knifeplay, M/M, Multi, Painplay, Smut, Threesome, We are so sorry like really sorry but here it is anyway, YOLO, not entirely canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-04-18 04:07:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 53,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4691477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loire/pseuds/loire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/meeokie/pseuds/meeokie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Turning his head to the side, the teacher was curious as to what Shuu's answer would be before turning back to his cup.</p><p>Waiting, listening.</p><p>Knowing full well that he shouldn't be here.</p><p>Knowing that this wasn't his place to be here.</p><p>Yet he always was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've Got A Problem

**Author's Note:**

> So, this happened after I wrote a [prompt fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4584192) between Shuu and Yuuya. Meeokie was interested in exploring this particular situation a little further and somehow it spiraled out of control. We don't know how this happened but we continued and so now, welcome to insanity because everybirdie is completely out of their mind.
> 
> \---
> 
> This time, taking it away  
> I've got a problem, with me getting in the way,  
> Not by design  
> So I take my face and bash it into a mirror  
> I won't have to see the pain (bleed, bleed)
> 
> This state is elevating, as the hurt turns into hating  
> Anticipating, all the fucked up feelings again

Papers shifted gently across the top of the desk, long delicate fingers pushing them out of the way to get to what he needed - a brief outlining of the days activities, including various faculty meetings and times. Shuu sighed, his back hitting the uncomfortable office chair as violet eyes looked up to the ceiling, trailing the length of what encapsulated fluorescent lights - it was too early to have them on. He dropped the schedule back to the wooden top, fingers of his left hand rubbing between those of his right, trying to work out the empty ache; it was always more difficult to write in the mornings, but still, the doctor always came in early.

_'Meetings. No free time for experiments until after lunch. Such a bother.'_

His head tilted to the right, brown locks spilling to the side as he looked out the open window, curtains previously drawn back just slightly after his arrival. It was dark out - not like the middle of the night, but the sky was grey and the sun unable to shine through. He didn’t mind this weather in particular - his body only ached when it decided to rain all night into the next day. 

_Knock. Knock._

Shuu pulled his gaze away from window, eyes focusing on the stark infirmary door. Fingers wrapped around the desk’s edge, pushing back slowly as the bottom chair wheels creaked of old age. He stood, walking slowly to the side of his desk, hands reaching to adjust his tie, tightening it ever so slightly before coming up to red-rimmed glasses. His hands dropped, each palm resting within the pockets of his lab coat as he leaned back to the desk’s side, watching the unlocked door open just enough for someone to slip through and close quick, the form he had been waiting for still half cast in the shadow of the dark room. A small smirk crossed his face, hidden from his company.

_'Hm. Perhaps before breakfast then.'_

Today was going to be busy. Yuuya was already well aware of that fact long before he woke up. Shuu didn't need to mention it - there were school functions coming up due to the fall semester, so it was just  _expected_ that Yuuya knew that the doctor was going to be a little more preoccupied than he had been during the summer. Being the  _good assistant_ that he was, all it took was a vague mention of those faculty meetings for him to know that he'd probably need to come in a little earlier than normal to assist Shuu in preparing for the day. While the doctor was out of the infirmary, it would be Yuuya's responsibility to watch over things and take of what he could should anyone drop by - anything and everything that did not require the doctor's immediate attention. 

So when he pushed open the door, the upperclassman wasn't at all surprised to find Shuu standing there beside his desk.

Waiting.

_Always waiting_.

_For his good, obedient assistant_.

“Sakazaki. So nice of you to come before classes. I assume you are here to…offer me your assistance, yes?”

It took everything within Yuuya not to outwardly flinch when his gaze fell upon the doctor's form. To busy his eyes as to avoid looking back at Shuu's expectant gaze, his left hand rose to his face to adjust his glasses as he stepped inside of the infirmary, quietly slipping in. He closed the door behind him a second later then straightened his spine. A smile reached his lips - entirely put on - as his fingers swept through his bangs; his stance appearing relaxed as he set one hand into a front pocket.

_'Nervous. Avoiding direct eye contact. Sad attempts to collect oneself. False composure.'_

Shuu watched every move Yuuya made - the obvious way he fiddled with his glasses, the softness of his steps into the room, small movements of his hands. From the distance they were apart, Yuuya didn’t seem to have accelerated breathing patterns, but it was too hard to tell. That smile - it would fool most; it truly was a great front. It would not fool Shuu. He knew his assistant far better than Yuuya could begin to imagine - knew every nervous habit, every way he tried to resolve  _issues_  and fix problems. In fact, his file on Yuuya was rather large, and of course, placed somewhere other than where the rest of the school files lived, in case a certain assistant felt like snooping around.

"Bonjour, docteur!" he greeted playfully, careful to keep his voice at a calm, composed level. Night, day, morning, evening, it didn't matter. Shuu preferred low voices inside of the infirmary and Yuuya had witnessed the doctor kick out many a student and teacher alike for raising their voices above a certain degree that irked him. "But of course! With so many festivals and activities planned for the semester, I thought it might be best if I...offered you a little more support than I did through the summer. You will be busy solidifying preparations with the rest of the faculty for the next few weeks, oui?"

“Hm. Yes, the next few weeks will be rather busy and…annoying…stressful for me.”

"I don't know why you let it bother you so much," the youth hummed, sweeping his hand back down to cradle his own jawline; peering back at the doctor who remained perched upon the edge of his desk. "No one would question you if you made excuses to leave. Do you want me to go so far as to page you for an emergency situation if you need out so badly?"

A chuckle sounded from the depths of his chest as he lowered his hand back down to his side.

" _You know_ I would..."

The doctor didn’t budge from his spot against the desk, dark eyes drifting over Yuuya’s form. Although early, Yuuya presented himself always, no matter what circumstance, in his school uniform and made sure none of it was disheveled. Shuu would not have anything dirty in his infirmary, not unless he created the mess himself. 

_'Perhaps I should give you something to find.'_

Yuuya stepped farther into the infirmary, crossing a bit of the distance between them. He stopped half-way through the room, stealing a casual glance to the infirmary beds and then toward the sink in one of the far corners. Things had been rather quiet recently, but that didn't mean that the calm would last for long. It made him nervous any time Shuu was out of his sight - for more than one reason. It was expected of him to be two steps ahead of the doctor, so Yuuya was always on the look out for everything and anything that would even be remotely sketchy, that way he was better prepared for what would inevitably come. The way Shuu spoke, the way he moved, where he was off to, how he responded to simple questions... As far as he himself was aware, Shuu knew his unquestionable loyalty was for one reason and one reason only.

And as much as he wanted to deny it, he supposed Shuu had put  _some_ trust into his assistant because of it - having learned the doctor's moods or expectations especially quickly. On more than one occasion, Yuuya had been forced into...helping with a little bit of clean up. He never questioned it and was never outwardly unnerved by it. He always wholeheartedly defended the doctor's character in the midst of scrutiny within the school as well, just to continue to play along in whatever Hell he had been thrown into. 

It was as if this was his cruel, twisted fate to be forced into an assignment like this - as if they  _knew_. It was laughable.

But he did his job. Bent to Shuu's will. Did anything ever asked or required of him without fuss.

Just like a  _good assistant_ would.

Just to protect  _him_.

Leone knew what Yuuya was doing by working in the infirmary. It wasn't that the upperclassman went without support here at the school; he always had back-up and Leone was their voice and connection back to the outside world. But  _certain things_ weren't meant to be reported back - and that was what made all of this particularly difficult. Yuuya had proven himself capable on many occasions, of not breaking under the stress of the situation and prevailing without much trouble at all. But this... This was different. It was always easy to play the sexy and luxurious prince that often swooped in to save the damsel in distress or to be the hero in a story, but when someone knew far too much behind the mask of a pretty boy with a sharp tongue, it made things incredibly difficult and even more dangerous than mere gunfire.

It wasn't what Shuu  _did_ that frightened Yuuya, deep down. It was what Shuu  _knew_.

It was a helpless feeling, to be controlled the way he was. Yuuya couldn't argue; he couldn't laugh and shrug it off as he would anything else he was directly faced with or accused of. Shuu knew  _too much_ and Shuu knew that he had Yuuya wrapped around his finger because of that knowledge.

Withdrawing his palm from his pocket, Yuuya smiled again as he waved his hand idly into the air, eyes finally meeting with Shuu's, "Is there anything in particular that you would like for me to help you with before you leave for your first meeting? Or shall I begin my usual routine?"

Shuu shifted against his resting spot on the desk, pushing off to walk casually over to Yuuya in the middle of the office space. He removed his hands from his lab coat, face unreadable of any emotion. 

_'So helpful all the time, is that the game, Yuuya? Does it hurt? Forced obedience?'_

At times, it wasn't so bad. Shuu could be just like anyone else here - normal, mundane. There were casual afternoons or calm mornings. But then...there were the  _other_ days. It made it hard to enjoy the peace when the chaos was so much more prominent and always at the forefront of Yuuya's mind. But it helped to put on their pleasant, unsuspecting show; doctor and assistant.

Shuu was moving now - this time toward him. Yuuya's eyes fell, watching the way the doctor's hands lifted from his lab coat pockets; both palms were empty. He exhaled slowly, controlled. The youth shifted his weight from one foot to the other to help hide the way his body had tensed, although he knew the brunette wasn't ignorant. The doctor had a critical gaze on top of a critical mind - Shuu observed  _everything_.

He stopped a few feet away, eyes lazily focused on Yuuya’s face, observing his composure, his breathing. Considering all they had been through, every secret the doctor had silently enforced Yuuya to keep - the unspoken threats along with the very obvious, direct ones - they still played this game. Yuuya was intelligent, Shuu was well aware of the fact and it was part of the reason he kept him so close. It was almost a false reality, the dance they did, doctor and assistant, faculty and student. Underneath the agreements was something far more sinister, something not many knew about at the school. Something Shuu dangled in front of Yuuya, making him do things he never would have done otherwise.

“The first meeting is two hours from now, and…your normal routine is not needed today.”

Shuu looked directly at Yuuya, violet apathetic eyes meeting hopeful blue, expecting his assistant to pay full attention and read between the lines.

“If you could, bottom shelf to the left, below the sink. The one I save for you has gotten horribly dull - it's time for a fresh one, don’t you think?"

Light blue hues widened a fraction, his breath catching. His n-normal routine...? But - it hadn't been that long. Just last week--

_'Aha. Was that panic just now? What a lovely expression.'_

Shuu tilted his head slightly, fingers running along the tie at his neck in contemplation.

“Ah…and also some gloves for me; for obvious reasons.”

Yuuya was careful not to swallow as he kept his gaze locked with Shuu's who continued to stand in front of him, looking so indifferent and laid-back despite the way he spoke so precariously. The directions given to him was clear but there was even a moment's worth of hesitation regardless. Finally tearing his vision away from the doctor's, Yuuya focused his attention at the unsuspecting sink before taking half a step back to turn and walk past Shuu without question. It was once his back was turned that he finally allowed himself a moment's worth of panic. He swallowed hard as he pushed his bangs from out of his face, reaching down for the cabinet doors beneath the sink as he crouched door. He was careful not to let his touch linger for long, pulling both doors open smoothly before reaching inside.

The doctor shifted slowly, eyes following Yuuya’s form before twisting in place. He looked stiff in how he walked forward, feet automatically bringing him to his destination. By now the doctor figured Yuuya knew what he meant from all that he chose not to say. It was obvious to him to see the switch in his assistant - the false cheerfulness of his mood simply disappeared. Even so, he remained obedient to Shuu, carrying out his given instructions - no complaints, no resistance.

"..."

The gloves would be on the counter. Yuuya glanced up from where he had crouched down, eyebrows pinning together.

Old injuries already burned. Shuu always bandaged him up nicely, but it still took time to heal. The thought of the doctor taking glee in cutting right through fresh wounds was enough to send a shiver down his spine but Yuuya tried to control himself and that crippling fear; at least all of it was focused on himself and not Sakuya. Yuuya could handle pain. He could handle gunshot and stab wounds. In a morbid way, sometimes he felt like he deserved whatever Shuu did to him and took it as a form of punishment for all he had done in the past - other times, he was too far gone to care and allowed his body to ride out whatever little bit of pleasure he actually felt from those violent caresses. But Sakuya...

Sakuya would never - should never - have to endure anything at the hands of someone like Shuu.

So this was Yuuya's prison.

Worn soles echoed across the infirmary floor as Shuu moved to the side, tugging light blue curtains open to reveal the lone infirmary bed. Nude lips fell into a narrow frown the moment Yuuya heard the rings of the medical curtain echo across the cold, sterile room. It was clean of course - Yuuya being the one to change the sheets every night before the next day. Such a strange tradition to hold - white sheets in hospital settings. What was the point if they easily so stained with bodily fluids? Although, bleaching colored sheets wasn’t an option…perhaps that was why? Ah, but sometimes bleach did not work- Shuu had to discard many sets in the past. Sometimes blood was tough to get out, especially if left for too long to soak into fabric.

Shuu contemplated the last time - they had certainly made a bit of a mess - at least the plastic guard around the mattress kept most of it tidy, somewhat manageable. The doctor enjoyed watching Yuuya from his desk, bending down and wincing as new injuries tried to heal, wiping away his own blood from the surface. He didn’t dwell on sexual thoughts very often but that…that was a fun image to recall time to time.

"Anything else?" Yuuya dared to question, his voice low as he withdrew the fresh scalpel from its box; the packaging crinkling in his hand as he closed the cabinet doors.

"..."

The first meeting was in two hours... So... Hopefully Shuu would make this quick.

_'Always obedient.'_

Shuu’s attention snapped back, hearing Yuuya’s voice slightly muffled facing the opening under the sink. He turned, walking around the outside of the partially opened curtains to a small table, a rather old looking radio with a cd set lingered neatly next to some outdated magazines. Sometimes the students would have difficulty calming down in situations of extreme pain. Others suffered bouts of insomnia, unable to fall asleep even after administering sleeping aid. Shuu had found out that soft music often helped in these cases, enough for him to invest in a radio for the infirmary. It had of course paid off - he gathered plenty of data on multiple student’s reactions to it. Of course, it had another purpose…one specific to Yuuya. It was unlikely that anyone was at the school this early, but just in case…

“Yes. Bring the items with you. Sit up on the bed, back against the headboard, but remove your jacket first.”

The doctor reached down, fingers gliding over the well worn buttons placed at the top of the radio before he stopped at one, pushing down until it offered a soft  _clack_ , somber classical music filling the air. It was slow, dreary - much like the weather outside. Shuu always played this with Yuuya, but only in these specific situations. He planned to later test his assistant, observing his reactions if Shuu started the music during his normal routine. Would he panic? Try to leave immediately? Or would he come to Shuu, ask him what he needed, where to be placed?

_'Ahh, how appealing that would be. I could train him.'_

A menacing smile graced his lips, fingers leaving the source of the music to walk back around, waiting at the small opening of the curtain attached to the ceiling. Violet eyes followed his assistant's every move, casually bringing his hands together in front of him, cracking each knuckle one by one.

Pushing himself up to his feet after closing the cabinet doors, light blue eyes fell onto the counter nearby where a box of latex gloves sat. Yuuya held the packaged scalpel in one hand while his other reached into the lip of the box, pulling out one then two gloves before turning his attention back to Shuu. The doctor was already waiting next to the bed, his fingers resting delicately upon the buttons of an old radio; a relic of Shuu's younger days, Yuuya had assumed. But by now, he knew almost every song on that damned cd by heart. 

The requested items were laid down on top of the clean bedsheets before Yuuya reached behind himself. He continued to ignore Shuu, not looking directly at him, and instead kept his gaze on the medical curtain hanging over the other side of the small infirmary bed. His wrists moved, fingers tugging at the edges of his sleeves before shrugging out of his uniform. As the jacket came sliding down his biceps, Yuuya pulled on the sleeves then twisted to the side to throw it haphazardly onto Shuu's office chair. It landed half-way over an arm rest; but he didn't care if it got wrinkled before the day even began.

Sweeping his fingers through his bangs once more, Yuuya lifted his chin and adjusted his glasses before turning to take a seat. He grimaced at the way the bed creaked. He never questioned why they used the same bed again and again and again - perhaps there was no real reason for it. Drawing in a breath, he pushed himself higher up onto the mattress, swinging his legs up to be with the rest of his body. Yuuya frowned as he pulled himself higher to the top of the bed, before reclining enough against the thin pillows and the metal headboard, whose metal bars pierced through his thin white button-up with its frigid touch and sent chills down his spine. With one hand he loosened his tie and popped open another button or two while his other palm reached down to grasp hold of the latex gloves and scalpel, lifting them up to hold out for Shuu.

The click of the 'play' button signaled the beginning of it all; a point of no return, one could say. Fingers at the top of his shirt slipped past the fabric, pulling the white cotton apart to expose one clavicle to Shuu as Yuuya craned his neck just enough to give the other a delicate sight of pale skin. His eyelids fell half-closed as he continued to hold Shuu's gaze, his thumb idly brushing along the underside of a single collarbone as he waited for the other to join him on the bed.

Finally, he looked at the doctor. Aquamarine hues bore back into Shuu's amethyst tones, his own appearing almost disinterested as he mentally prepared himself for what was to happen.

Keen eyes fell to skilled hands, watching Yuuya carefully prepare himself for the doctor. That alone was a thrill - he didn’t need to ask anymore, his assistant just knew. It was rare that Shuu left his top half covered; the skin there being pale and soft, perfect for the edge of a scalpel. 

"Here you are,  _docteur_."

Yuuya was too focused now to listen to anything around them, actually admiring Shuu's complexion in the meantime. The fact that the radio was so close to them also helped to drown out any noises that may have otherwise prompted both the doctor and his assistant to pause in their proceedings. But the music - no matter how somber it was - was a double-edged sword. For as much as it would keep anyone from hearing what was going on  _inside_ of the infirmary, it completely blocked out any noises from  _outside_ of the infirmary as well.

So neither would have heard quiet steps as they stopped right outside of the door - nor would they have heard when that door slid open.

' _Oh._ '

Long, narrow fingers swept against the door to slide it back into place after their unknown company let himself in. Truth be told, Kazuaki was a bit surprised that the door wasn't  _locked_. Usually, depending on the hour, he had actually been silently denied when he found that he was unable to step inside - either Shuu or Yuuya had locked the door to bar anyone from accidentally stumbling upon something they shouldn't. For Shuu, it was to avoid any headaches. For Yuuya, it was to save them from a potentially painful death. But this morning was different it seemed. Having reached the door, Kazuaki caught the familiar tune and stopped where he was with his small tray that held only two mugs of fresh coffee.

Always two mugs. It was  _always_ two mugs.

For a few minutes, the blonde had simply lingered there - listening for any noise, a single sound that would tell him at what point the doctor and assistant may have been in their communion. All that he could hear was the creak of the bed and then silence, perhaps anything else drowned out by the track playing. Regardless, Kazuaki had slid the door open and stepped inside. Golden eyes had rolled to the side, glancing at the row of infirmary beds - and  _of course_.

_His favorite one_.

_Every time_.

It came as no surprise to him. It never did after the first few times he had stumbled upon the pair.

By now, Shuu had reached forward to accept the gloves, face calm and professional as if they were preforming something completely normal at such and early hour of the day. His eyes never left Yuuya, fingers stretching up into white gloves, the familiar smell of latex hitting his nose. Violet followed the trail his assistant made, pure unmarked skin presented to him for the taking.

_'Ahh, Yuuya. Are you trying to seduce me this morning? Such a display.'_

The second glove fitted around his long fingers, the bottom pulled down with an audible  _snap_. Shuu’s tongue darted out against dry lips as he moved forward, free hand tugging gently at the curtains so only a small portion remained viewable; only if someone were to be sitting at his own desk could any of this be seen. 

The doctor swept the left side of his coat away, slowly resting knees onto the top of the mattress before shifting his leg over Yuuya’s form, eyes never drifting from that enticing patch of skin offered up. He settled, narrow hips pushing down, the backs of his thighs meeting the tops of Yuuya’s - it was too early for more…intimate touching, and it was hard to get any satisfaction if no one was bleeding yet. 

His left hand searched, eyes darting down to locate the packaged scalpel as his right came up, fingers tracing the well known ridges of Yuuya’s exposed collar bone. Shuu always touched here, fingers entranced with the bone structure - how close it was to skin. He could probably reach it if he pushed hard enough with the blade. His hand retreated for a moment, fingers tearing and pulling at the surgical package until the new scalpel was free, unneeded plastic fluttering to the ground. Shuu offered Yuuya a calm smile, eyes hazy and half lidded as he reached for his assistant’s chin, tapping gently for Yuuya to lift up.

Today, it seemed Shuu was in a little bit of a more of an...intimate mood, whether that had been intentional or not. The medical curtain was pulled nearly all the way around the bed, blocking out the view of the rest of the room in nearly every direction. Kazuaki tore his gaze away as he silently stepped farther into the room, up to one of the available counters to set the tray of coffee down. Just as he would any other time, he began to prepare his own cup, the music filling the room with a soft sigh or two escaping from Yuuya.

"Is your side troubling you? You seem stiff." Kazuaki heard the youth ask; feigned concern at best. "I don't know what the weather report said about any rain. If you need me to move, tell me."

' _Doesn't it bother you? To ask him things like that?'_

Turning his head to the side, the teacher was curious as to what Shuu's answer would be before turning back to his cup. He tapped a bit of powdered creamer in, followed by a pinch of sugar, before reaching for a small spoon. Without hitting the metal against the ceramic, he began to stir the contents - and stir and stir and stir, eyes fallen to the rich, creamy color almost in a daze.

Waiting, listening.

Knowing full well that he shouldn't be here.

Knowing that this wasn't his place to be here.

Yet he always was.

“I’ve had worse days, perhaps I just need some…stress relief. You don’t need to move at all, I prefer in fact that you stay still.”

Gloved fingers began tracing downward, slowly, over the Adam’s apple, down further to where buttons still held his shirt in place. The scalpel swayed playfully back in forth in Shuu's left hand, still deciding where he wanted to place it first. Shuu felt the beginning stirs of temptation, Yuuya’s quickened heart beat below his touch mixing with the slow, lonely sounds of the piano coming from the radio. 

He leaned forward, scalpel coming up to drag along Yuuya’s exposed neck, not piercing through any skin, just leaving a solid red line line all the way down to where Shuu could reach. He grinned; watching Yuuya try to compose himself and take the risk - take the possibility of pain, ah…what a rush!

Shuu’s eyes widened, scalpel touching down right below Yuuya’s left collar bone, this time pushing deep enough to open the skin there, following the graceful line of the bone creating a horizontal cut. His right hand dropped, shoving aside the partially opened shirt, eyes glued to the spot as he watch small beads of blood begin to form, slowly dripping down from the marred skin. 

"Nnm.."

Shoulders pulled back upon reflex at the touch of the fresh blade. Yuuya's chin lifted just a fraction, his eyes drifting closed behind gold-framed glasses as Shuu adoringly swept the scalpel along the bottom side of a single collarbone. His hands had fallen upon the brunette's thighs, his grip becoming a little more firm as he wrapped his palms around the thick muscles - ever so slightly gliding upwards to the back of Shuu's hips. He offered the doctor a small something; the sound of a pleased hiss past parted, nude lips. When the cuts were sharp and shallow, Yuuya truly didn't mind - it was when the soft glitter of fresh blood wasn't enough that it became nearly unbearable. But like this, in this moment, he could handle it. After all, he had exposed his collarbones to Shuu in offering.

" _Shh..._ "

The doctor leaned forward, brown locks tickling the underside of Yuuya’s chin as his tongue darted out, gathering the droplets that had started to slide down that pale chest. He ran his mouth along the clean cut, tongue swiping generously, pushing down just a little to get a reaction from his captive.

Yuuya breathed out heavily past his nose, his flesh tinting pink around the new wound. Droplets formed at the incision, trickling out but were not heavy enough to cascade down a pale, smooth chest in a way Shuu would have wished. Aquamarine eyes opened a fraction when he felt the doctor move, turning his head to find the brunette leaning his head down to his shoulder. The sensation of a hot tongue piercing the fresh cut forced his body to spasm. The reaction was quick and entirely uncontrolled, a hint of a moan rising into the air. One of Yuuya's hands abandoned its placement on Shuu's narrow hip, instead rising to the back of the doctor's head. His fingers curled into soft strands of hair; softer than Yuuya ever would have imagined, but had grown use to touching. Shuu could feel a tug at the back of his head before it was pulled closer while Yuuya shrugged his shoulder up and then back. His hips rotated slowly beneath the doctor's own, bringing his face in to the side of Shuu's just enough to wrap the edge of his teeth around the top of an exposed ear.  

It burned. The way Shuu's tongue caressed the shallow incision burned and it made Yuuya shudder ever so gently. The doctor could hear the tremor in his assistant's breathing when he exhaled. When Yuuya inhaled again, he caught the delicate scent that had attached itself to Shuu; a sort of clean fragrance, as one expected of any sort of medical facility, but beneath that note was something darker, smoldering and burning - like charred wood chips. Shuu's tongue pushed deeper, parting the cut skin and sending a small, sharp tear of pain spreading out across that section of Yuuya's chest. It was enough for the youth to bite down onto the top of the doctor's ear, not bothering to lick away any pain that may have come from the sharp bite. 

' _They must have only started._ ' 

Still stirring the coffee in his mug, Kazuaki never lifted his eyes once. It was easier to focus on the noises and sounds past the bleak notes of the song currently playing. The irony was not lost on either himself or Yuuya at the fact that the song was almost exclusively played on a piano.

It was actually rare that the teacher stumbled upon the pair in the beginnings of their exchange. It was always the most intimate, he found, or rather the most actively willing Yuuya ever was. His breathing, the quick little moans, were all something that could belong to any lover. It was when the pain surpassed pleasant, tantric exploration that the moans melted into sharp gasps or concealed whimpers. It was typically around the middle or the end, when Yuuya finally gave in as his tolerance level depleted with every stroke of Shuu's scalpel, that Kazuaki found them. The student's endurance was astounding, really - the blonde would certainly applaud Yuuya for that.

Shuu’s back straightened again, hips pushing forward once to buck against Yuuya’s before retreating, the sound of his own heard pounding in his ears. Lust-filled eyes fell back to his assistant’s face, licking any left over blood on his lips.

Yuuya didn't resist another moan when Shuu's hips rolled forward against his own, the quick friction causing even the assistant's lap to stir. His hand fell back to rest on Shuu's thigh, squeezing there again as he relaxed against the pillows once more. The cut at his collarbone was already beginning to clot; just a hint of a trail left behind from where Shuu's tongue had just roamed. Yuuya's eyes parted open to peer back up at the doctor who remained straddling him, taking in the way Shuu ran the tip of his tongue slowly over his top lip. 

Yet...

“Fascinating… The taste is the same.”

"Th-The taste?"

Kazuaki heard Yuuya speak his own thoughts as his hand stilled. Golden eyes remained locked upon the spinning coffee, the way the cream spiraled around the small spoon he held between his index finger and thumb. Yuuya was motionless as he remained where he was beneath Shuu, staring up at the doctor who looked rather pleased with himself; as if the taste of blood brought a more healthy glow to his otherwise pale appearance.

"Wh... What do you mean?" Yuuya began again, his fingers curling more tightly around Shuu's khaki-clad thighs. 

Kazuaki's eyes finally lifted, gazing back at the medical curtain in the reflection of the glass cabinet in front of him.

"What taste?" Yuuya continued.

Both shoulders were now bare as Shuu opened his assistant's shirt farther, exposing his collarbone opposite of his bleeding one. Yuuya's gaze hardened as he raised his hand, wrapping it around the doctor's wrist as Shuu laid the blade of his scalpel just beneath the prominent bone. His heart rate picked up; any sense of longing was now swept away from Yuuya's expression. His lengthy fingers wrapped more tightly around the slender wrist within his grasp, his eyes narrowing behind his own glasses. He bore back into Shuu's gaze - the man above him still looked so... _pleased_  with himself.

_Fascinated_.

Shuu tilted his head as the knuckles of his left hand shoved the white fabric away from Yuuya’s right collar bone, scalpel shifting and pressing against to mirror the other cut, not yet piercing the skin.

“How does it feel, I wonder? To endure what you must, to loathe the process, yet still go through with it all?”

How did it feel?... How could Shuu ask him that? Did he not see it? Did he not  _understand_? Or did he just want to hear Yuuya  _say it_? 

“I find it interesting you know, genetics and behavioral connections. With you…it is very clear you don’t react positively to the intense pain - it brings you no pleasure. I can often find the exact moment when you close your mind off, let your body take over instead. It’s nothing to worry over - such a thing is common survival instinct, to protect one’s mind against intense trauma - our bodies can often handle much more than our minds.”

His left hand moved quickly, the cut exact and sharp, earning a pained gasp from Yuuya. Shuu’s gloved right hand shifted, fingers gently wrapping around Yuuya’s throat, pushing him back so that his head would meet the headboard’s bars. He didn’t squeeze, or attempt to block the air from Yuuya’s throat - it was enough to just place them there; any minute he could tighten his grip. Eyes flickered down to watch the blood run, this time it traveled much quicker, silently dripping to hit the folded white fabric - it didn’t matter much, Yuuya kept extra’s in the infirmary for this exact reason.

Genetics. Behavioral connections.

"Tch!"

Yuuya flinched when Shuu took advantage of the student's daze, the doctor's mark tearing across the bottom of his collarbone. He grit his teeth and tightened his hold on Shuu's arm, jerking it away from his chest as he began to push himself up to sit. His free hand rose, grasping hold of a multi-colored tie but Shuu was even quicker to the draw. Yuuya's eyes flew wide open as he felt warm latex wrap around his slender neck as Shuu lifted himself up just enough to use his weight to shove his assistant into the headboard. His lips parted as he drew in a panicked breath; bright blue colors remained startled, a glint of fear flashing through them, but found that he could still breathe. He didn't remove his hold from either Shuu's left wrist or from his tie, daring to tug on it just enough - just as much as Shuu could press down onto his throat and block air flow. His smooth chest rose and fell quickly, his heart beating rapidly beneath the small stream of blood from one of the cuts.

Kazuaki still had not moved from the spot where he stood, arms down at his sides as he continued to stare at the reflection.

"No..." Yuuya managed to whisper, feeling Shuu's bony fingers wrap around his neck a fraction tighter. Amethyst and aquamarine met again.

Shuu's gaze drifted back up, making sure Yuuya was meeting his eyes.

“Just because two people share the same genes does not guarantee they have the same preferences, or reactions even, to similar situations. When applying pain, I learned the reaction was exactly opposite of yours - intense pleasure seemed to blossom even from the simple sting of of antibacterial solution. When pressed for an explanation, well, none was offered, so of course I did what was required to get results and applied more pain.”

That bleeding chest caved in on itself as air left Yuuya's lungs, exhaling hard and in short bursts as Shuu's sweet words caressed his ears like the sweetest nightmare. Perhaps that's all that this was. This was only a nightmare. These were words he had heard before - this was a scenario he had dreaded. The body beneath Shuu's own began to slowly convulse as a hue of red began to rise to the surface of pale skin, though Yuuya's hold on that thin wrist never loosened. Yuuya's eyes were still set wide, white surrounding the vibrant blue shade of his crystal eyes.

No... No, no. No. This wasn't true.

This couldn't be true.

Shuu was  _lying_.

Bright eyes began to waver, losing focus of Shuu's face as they flitted around the doctor's face; attempting to dredge up any memory of Sakuya that he could. Yuuya couldn't recall a time that Sakuya had been injured. He kept such close tabs on his little brother... He knew practically anything and everything there was to know. When had Sakuya been hurt? And why? Why did he come here? Why did he not just have his wound treated back home?! His nostrils flared as his breathing hitched, his chest still rising and falling in quick spasms. No, no. Of course, of course. Le Bel - this was  _Le Bel's_ fault. He held Shuu in such high regard and he had completely warped Sakuya's senses -  _of course_ Sakuya would come to Dr. Iwamine.

_He was the best after all_.

A glimmer of something appeared at the bottom of Yuuya's nose as the youth continued to stare up at Shuu, his teeth gritting together and tears slowly forming at his long lashes. Without much more warning, a drop of blood began to fall from one nostril, followed by the next. An agonizingly slow stream, heavy and thick, began to roll downward - to Yuuya's top lip, dripping down onto his chin as the flow of blood thickened and increased.

_'What's this? Such a severe reaction. Emotions really can wreak havoc on the body. Ah, the pain is so intense across his face. So…appetizing…'_

Shuu bit at the bottom of his lip, pupils dilated and focused, searching his assistant’s face for something more, something deeper. The doctor's right hand released form Yuuya’s neck, not at all worried about his own wellbeing. As much as Yuuya was fully capable of doing damage, Shuu was secure in thinking that he knew better. In fact, he welcomed the fight sometimes - to feel angry fingers pressing against him, to feel that hatred transferred from all that Yuuya wouldn’t say. Raw emotions - no confusing words, no metaphors; it was rare Yuuya broke down enough to grant Shuu such pleasure. Gloved fingers glided upwards, through the blue locks close to a panicked expression, thumb wiping up under golden frames at the tears collected, threatening to drop at any moment.

_'That's it, Yuuya. Break for me.'_

Violet eyes shifted quickly down, watching the deep red appear under one nostril and then the other, slowly dripping further down to cascade over soft unblemished lips. Shuu’s hand paused, entranced by this new development - a display of blood just for him, and without the aid of his tools? Was this a gift from his assistant? And today had started so glum…

_'Intense trauma. Body reacting on its own. Inability to focus on anything else. Fixating.'_

Shuu released a shaky exhale, unaware that he was holding his breath watching the blood, eyes flickering up to gaze into Yuuya’s. He watched the tears there fall just as intently, following the slow trail against skin, both gently dropping onto Yuuya’s open shirt haphazardly. His chest was rising faster now, heart rate increasing at its own will to the tempting scene given to him. He could feel the tightness in his pants now, although Yuuya didn’t seem to be returning the excitement any longer, although that had never mattered or stopped the doctor previously. Gloved fingers shifted down, tracing Yuuya’s cheek until they came to lips, thumb swiping over once to collect fallen blood. 

_'So lovely. Like this. Only this.'_

A sinful smile formed across Shuu's face, recalling the  _incident_  in great detail.

“Of course, none of this was initiated by me, but want a lovely opportunity. To watch his face contort, mind and body working together to confuse pain with pleasure almost instantly…or perhaps there simply is no difference for him? Or that only pain would give pleasure? I suppose it could be different for everyone… I guess I will need to…research further.”

He didn't. He wouldn't. Shuu wouldn't.

_He promised_.

' _ **He lied**._ '

Golden eyes flickered to the side; a fracture sounding across the depths of his mind. Long fingers twitched as his lips pulled into a tight frown, eyebrows pinning together tightly as the sound of breaking glass began to grow louder - louder and louder, a crack only visible to his own mind's eye appearing in the glass of the cabinet in front of him.

' _He lied, he lied, he lied. Just like he lied to me. He made a promise and he broke it. He broke it, he broke it_.  _And you let him._ '

"Y-You didn't..." Yuuya managed, pulling tighter on Shuu's tie as his nails curled into the back of the doctor's gloved hand. "You... Y-You wouldn't...  _You promised_ \--"

' _He broke it, he broke it, he broke it. He made a promise. You let him break that promise._ '

Kazuaki turned his face to the side, following the continuous crack that began to spread out into several branches across the glass. His fingers jerked again; his breathing hitched as he lifted his chin.

' _HE LIED. HE LIED._ '

Why did it have to get louder? Kazuaki listened to Yuuya begin shouting at Shuu from behind the medical curtain - crying out as he struggled with the doctor who only comforted him with sweet whispers, with a blade that glinted dangerously in the darkness of the infirmary. He felt sick. His steps stumbled to the side and he quickly reached out for the edge of the counter, grasping hold of it as he leaned over it. Free hand rose to grasp at his face, curling his fingers into his hair as he closed his eyes tightly. The cracking was getting worse; the fractures driving farther, the sound of Yuuya's shouting soon being drowned out and replaced with another.

' _Useless. Useless, USELESS, YOU ARE SO USELESS! YOU LET HIM DO THIS! Look at you. You can't even move. You're useless. You let him hurt them. You will continue to let him hurt others. Useless. He broke a promise, he broke a promise, he broke a promise._ '

"No..." Kazuaki whispered, his lips trembling as he pulled at his own hair. His legs shook, his breath quickening.

' _ **He broke a promise and it's all** **your** **fault.** '_

A short moan escaped from the doctor, his head falling forward just a bit before fighting Yuuya’s tug on his tie, glasses shifting down on the bridge of his nose. His hand stung against blunt nails as they dug in deeper and deeper, skin threatening to break beneath the glove's surface. 

Shuu tilted his head to the side, leaning closer now to Yuuya’s defeated form, letting his assistant tug down painfully against the tie around his neck. He offered a small smile - not the sort of reassuring and comforting smile one would expect from a doctor. No, this smile was full of malice and secrets. His voice was deep and calm, as if none of any of this called for any other reaction.

“Yuuya. I merely promised to not go after him. Whose fault is it, that he came to me? Your anger is misplaced, I’m afraid.”

His right hand dipped further, fingers coming up to trace across the side of Yuuya’s chin, burrowing in the locks that fell around his ear, tugging gently to gain access to the right side his assistants neck. Impatient lips graced along his untouched neck, coming up to rest close to an ear, breath still shaky with lust. 

“You should have told me, Sakazaki, about him. I feel that we might…have more things in common, than you and I do. Or maybe you didn’t know? He’s not that young anymore. In fact, I started much younger.”

Lips met skin, teeth sinking gently down against the flesh as Shuu sucked hard. While cuts were wonderful fun, bruises were just as entertaining, especially in an area that were hard to hide or excuse, such as the neck. 

 Shuu could feel the tension in Yuuya's neck within his mouth. There was nothing subtle about the youth's anguish as the doctor continued to whisper, speaking so freely and openly about his brother. His free palm turned into a fist, using what strength he actually possessed to try and force Shuu away from him while his other hand remained so tightly wrapped around the doctor's wrist - just enough to keep the scalpel away. He couldn't care less about the pain radiating out from the bite mark. Yuuya's chest rose and fell just as quickly as before; he breathed through his nose before losing senses of himself long enough to accidentally exhaled from his nose - sending blood splatter across both of their chests when he did so.

The doctor's mouth was hot. Yuuya only continued to try and reject the doctor as his spine rose from the bed and his head turned to the side as he shouted again.

_"IWAMINE!"_ Yuuya practically screamed, still wrestling with the doctor on the infirmary bed. "HOW COULD YOU?! YOU PROMISED ME, YOU PROMISED--"

"Please... Pl-Please stop..." Kazuaki bowed his head, holding both hands behind his neck now. It was there; it was so close. The cracks had almost reached - the pressure was becoming too much.

"--HOW COULD YOU TOUCH HIM?! HOW COULD YO--"

The doctor chuckled, feeling his weight pushed away from Yuuya, all contact broken other than him still partially settled on top of an angry lap. A crazed grin reached his lips, eyes flashing dangerously behind red frames as Yuuya fought against his advances.

_'Ah. This is much more entertaining! Perhaps I should manipulate your feelings more often.'_

Why was he laughing? Why did he have to laugh? Yuuya exhaled again, blood heaving past his nose. Tears continued to roll down his cheeks as he turned wide eyes back up at the doctor, his hands up to push back against Shuu's chest to keep him away. But it was easy for the other to not only feel but  _see_ the way his assistant's arms trembled, the way his legs became week when the brunette continued to speak.

Shuu's voice rose up, laughter filling the space between them, drowning out the soft piano recording temporarily. 

“Just think! I could practically train him! I could help, you know! I know the pleasures of pain intimately - its far better having someone else to guide you. So confusing alone…the poor boy.”

His fist tightened, ripping away from Yuuya’s grasp as he aimed the scalpel to a bicep, licking his lips as he watched the cheap undershirt rip as easily as the skin did, white soaking to red quickly. It was hard to be precise this way, with so much excitement; sometimes the doctor simply could not contain himself. 

Yuuya saw white. He cried out again as the blade ripped right through his shirt and into the flesh of his bicep. Blood immediately rose to the surface angrily, spilling out as if commanded by Shuu himself to do so. 

Sakuya wasn't Shuu's to touch! Yuuya's eyes fell closed tightly as he lowered his hand from Shuu's shoulder, clutching at his new wound as the pain deeply embedded itself within his spasming chest. Tears only rolled more furiously down his face, his hand not removing itself from Shuu's wrist despite the way the doctor could clearly use his own strength to work past his assistant's hold.

_'Do it. Do it, do it. Hurt him. Hurt him like he hurt Sakuya. I won't forgive you until you do. It's there, in your pocket. But maybe you'll just walk away. Maybe you'll leave Yuuya behind to die. You won't do it. Useless, useless_.'

"--KUYA! IWAMINE?!"

_Iwamine_.

' _Do it._ '

The glass in Kazuaki's mind finally burst. It fell apart, all around his feet as drops of blood and ash hit the floor. The counter top suddenly scorched him and Kazuaki stumbled backward as his hand dropped back down to hold one side of his face; peering down at his blood-stained palm. His fingers twitched as his whole hand trembled; watching, staring as the blood continued to appear as if the center of his hand was a never-ending fountain. His lips parted as he tried to breathe, his golden eyes widening slowly as he heard the splatter of blood fall to his feet. Craning his neck, he looked down at his side - at the front right pocket of his coat. It was  _soaked_ with blood. Something inside was wriggling, moving,  _beating_  beneath the surface. 

"IWAMINE! _"_

_'_ **Do it**.'

' _He... H-He..._ '

' _He hurt them. And you let him. You'll let him kill Yuuya. You'll let him kill Sakuya. You'll kill them like you killed me._ '

' _No... No... No, no, no, no--_ '

' _I won't forgive you. I won't forgive you._ '

In reality, it was only Kazuaki standing there alone. Trembling hard, one hand still holding tightly to his own face. Yet in his mind's eye his front pocket continued to shift, the voice in his head coaxing him further - unforgiving, relentless. Unable to control himself, he pushed his hand inside of that blood-soaked pocket yet found no burning, beating heart. Inside, he wrapped his fingers around something else.

A scalpel.

Painted with Yuuya's blood from weeks ago.

' _Did you forget? Did you forget? He didn't. He never would. Only you forgot. You are so useless, so useless. Hurt him. Hurt him. You'll kill Yuuya like you killed me._ '

“It was beautiful, if only you could have been there! That gentle moan, the blush, the shame! He tried to hide it from me, but I knew. Oh, I know it so well. How could I touch him? How could I not, he practically begged me, with those eyes.”

_'The same eyes. Same as yours. Ah, to have you both at the same moment. I would die.'_

Those eyes, those eyes... No. Sakuya couldn't... His little brother wasn't like that. Sakuya had not been abused. Sakuya had no reason to enjoy pain, especially if he had never been administered pain to begin with. He never suffered. He never had to find a light in that darkness. So why?... Why would he find pleasure in it? Why would he share that trait...with someone like Dr. Iwamine?

Yuuya couldn't picture it. He couldn't see Sakuya like that; he couldn't imagine his little brother beneath Shuu the way he was, covered in blood, blushing and writhing and moaning from such deep cuts. Begging, pleading for more, more, more, like some junkie who desperately needed their fix. He couldn't see Sakuya offering his collarbones or a milky pale wrist for Shuu to admire and dissect. He couldn't imagine that it would be the only time Sakuya would ever smile.

Or ever feel loved.

Gripping the blade tightly within the palm of his hand, Kazuaki slowly lifted his face before stepping around in a steady circle to face the hidden infirmary bed. His eyes were wild, flickering in nearly every direction as he saw the medical curtain hanging from the curtain rod that encircled the bed.

' _I won't let him hurt you. I won't let him hurt you... I-I won't let him hurt you. Not again, not again. Yuuya. Sakuya. I won't let him hurt you. Not again._ '

' _DO IT. DO IT, DO IT, DO IT. USELESS. HE LIED. HE BROKE HIS PROMISE. I WON'T FORGIVE YOU._ '

He lied. He broke his promise.

_Shuu broke his promise_.

Kazuaki took one step, then two. His spine began to straighten as he began to walk forward, turning his hand as he twirled the dirtied scalpel between his long fingers. Shuu lied. Shuu hurt them. He broke his promise. He would kill Yuuya and Sakuya both. He knew he would. He knew he would do it. Shuu always did. That's  _all he ever did_. The students, the teachers. His eyes were still wide, the golden colors now glinted over with something else as he heard Yuuya still crying out against Shuu. His steps came to a halt at the side of the bed, peering into the darkness that surrounded both doctor and assistant.

And then Yuuya saw him.

Crystal blue eyes widened several notches as his gaze fixated on Kazuaki leaning in through the only opening of the medical curtain.

It would be quick. It would be silent. But Kazuaki heard the way the tip of that scalpel met with bone as clear as anything else - above Yuuya's tears, above the sound of the piano, above the way Shuu breathed.

Violet eyes dilated, Shuu’s entire body went ridged on top of Yuuya’s vanquished form as his mind tried to process whatever signals his nerves were sending. At first it was just shock, as if something had immediately closed off everything that was happening; he felt nothing, which was far more terrifying as he certainly was feeling  _something_ just a moment ago. But his mind caught up soon, the waves of pain shooting up now, slow at first but now fast, throbbing in tune to his escalated heartbeat. The scalpel dropped to the bed, gloved fingers unable to process the simple command any longer.

_'It…hurts. What…?'_

Shuu winced, eyes tightening shut quickly as he felt something inside himself coil, all of the air stored in his lungs suddenly gone. Yuuya heard the scalpel fall as did Kazuaki, but neither of them made a move for it. A part of Yuuya wrenched when he felt that agonizing shudder take control of Shuu's body; hating himself as a hand fell down to the brunette's thigh, as if to comfort out of sheer reaction despite it all. His eyes flicked back to Shuu's face, noting the shock and the pain that was slowly developing across the doctor's face. He was helpless to watch, his lips parting a fraction as he laid there...

And simply watched.

_'Who…'_

Twisting the blade farther into the back of Shuu's left shoulder, Kazuaki's other palm rose to rest at the back of the brunette's neck; fingers dancing up to a soft hairline - then without warning, snapped Shuu's head back by force as he wrapped his fist into thick strands of dark brown hair. A violent chill ran down h Shuu's spine at the touch of unfamiliar fingers at the base of his neck, curling into gathered brown locks. Shuu heard the resistance in his neck as it was forced back, shoulders coming up automatically before they slumped down again, palms falling to the crumpled sheets. His breath came erratically now, a small pang of fear began to blossom in his mind.

Slowly, Kazuaki leaned in.

"...You lied," he whispered, terrifyingly calm - before pulling the scalpel out to twirl it between his fingers in order to stab it right back into Shuu's shoulder as hard as he could.

_'What… I...?'_

Shuu could hear it - the sickening sound of a scalpel being removed from damaged tissue - a sound the doctor was quite familiar with, just never this close…never  _on_ him. His right fingers against the mattress top began to twitch involuntarily, body slowly catching up to react to all of the new sensations directed at him.

“I.. I...ahhh…”

Shuu’s body twitched at the next assault, the pain searing and traveling far quicker now, his damaged shoulder already aching and overly sensitive. His adrenaline was wavering, not able to adapt to the feeling just yet, mixed signals filtering through his mind. His neck fell back against the tug, unable to resist any longer. Dazed eyes finally partially opened; the doctor was having difficulty focusing, the figure over him still hazy as he searched. His right hand came up slowly, fingers curling toward his attacker, pausing half way before touching.

“…Kazuaki?”


	2. This State Is Elevating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hurt inside is fading  
> This shit's gone way too far  
> All this time I've been waiting  
> No I can not grieve anymore  
> For once inside awaking  
> I'm done, I'm not a whore  
> You've taken everything and, oh, I cannot give anymore

Yuuya's breath was held as his wide eyes continued to stare up, listening and watching to what was happening above him. All thoughts of Sakuya had vanished at this point. He had no idea when Kazuaki had arrived or  _why_. How long had he been standing there? The whole time? Only recently? How much had he  _seen_ or even  _heard_? Why was he...attacking Shuu? As far as Yuuya was aware... Kazuaki had been one of if not the  _only_ person Shuu could have even considered a friend and that was actually a loose interpretation of what a friend actually was. Even outside of the infirmary, it wasn't unusual to see the pair together - particularly in the employee lounge. Through his reports, Yuuya had even mentioned that he had assumptions that Kazuaki was well aware of Shuu's demented experimentation and studies, but the most that the Dove Party agent could deduce was that Kazuaki only turned a blind eye and never actively assisted Shuu the way he did.

But... Even then...?

Where was the narcoleptic teacher that everyone - including Shuu and Yuuuya - knew? Where was that adorable, sleepy expression that always left Kazuaki with an ever constant lazy, little smile? Where were those warm and friendly, drowsy golden eyes?

Yuuya could never recall a time that Kazuaki  _didn't_ appear lethargic. Yet now, the way he stood behind Shuu, he appeared nothing short of cognizant.

But  _those eyes_...

It was a complete opposite of what Yuuya knew - and Shuu as well if the doctor's reaction was anything to go by. Kazuaki was in complete control of himself, entirely aware of his own movements, as those amber eyes narrowed while stabbing into Shuu's shoulder a second time. And yet... When Shuu turned to look behind him... There was no pity in Kazuaki's expression; no remorse. Yuuya held his breath as he laid where he was, unable to move, unable to comprehend the entire situation that was currently happening. His hand curved around Shuu's thigh again, squeezing there, as the doctor's gloved palm shakily rose toward Kazuaki's at his shoulder.

How could...Kazuaki not have any compassion? Was that betrayal in Shuu's eyes? Or was it merely confusion? The shock in amethyst colors did nothing for the blonde, who merely gazed back down at the doctor without an ounce of empathy. 

“…Kazuaki?”

"Heh...  _Heh..._ "

_'Is… He's laughing?'_

The only sound to breach through the silence now was a broken, soft chuckle passing grinning lips.

Shuu’s eyebrows knit together, attempting to wrap his mind around what had just happened and more importantly,  _why_. It was terribly difficult - his eyes didn’t seem to want to focus, sight only clearing for a few seconds before the next wave of pain jolted up his shoulder. He could sense his own irregular breathing, feel the shake in his palm reaching up.

_'When was it? The last time I felt like this…'_

Releasing his hold of the scalpel which still remained nested within a small shoulder, Kazuaki allowed Shuu to touch his palm as his own fingers met with the doctor's; a very loose embrace between the two of them as his flesh slid in between latex-clad digits. Shuu reached out weakly, watching Kazuaki slip his own hand down, fingers sliding together in a twisted moment of what seemed like intimacy. 

Was Kazuaki finally coming to his senses? The touch was delicate. Yuuya could see that for himself as he forced away tears, blinking hard as the burning sensation of his own injuries faded from the forefront of his mind again while watching the scene unfold.

But even as Kazuaki's fingers intertwined within Shuu's, there was nothing at all warm about the way the teacher gazed back down at the doctor.

_'Ka-Kazuaki? Why?'_

"Oh..."

An unstable waver of Kazuaki's eyes suddenly swept across Shuu's expression.

Shuu wanted this. He felt his own body react to the touch, that familiar reward after enduring so much pain. He needed it, needed to feel something connect - was he deserving now? Did Kazuaki want Shuu to leave Yuuya? Was he here to take him away? To save them both? Relieve Yuuya of the pain he didn’t want? Put the doctor in his place? Violet eyes seemed to only be able to focus on entwined fingers, never once flickering over to the teacher's face.

_'Is this…?'_

"Does it _hurt_?"

' _Look at him, look at him._ '

"Did  _I_  do this...?"

_'Yes. Yes. Please... I...'_

Kazuaki's voice changed to something undeniably sweet; sickening.

Yuuya winced as he kept his hold on Shuu's thigh, almost possessively.

' _Make him say it, make him say it_.'

Shuu felt the tug on his thigh, mind clearing for a short burst to recall that Yuuya was still here, still  _under_  his own body and witnessing everything. It didn’t matter to Shuu - Yuuya probably liked this - what seemed to be some form of karma for all of the horrible things the doctor had done. 

"Oh..." Kazuaki spoke again, tilting his head to the side as he withdrew his fingers from Shuu's hair. "You're bleeding, doctor. Did  _I_  do this?"

Was that even a moment of Kazuaki's senses returning to him?

_'Yes. Yes…no…ahh... I can’t…'_

Ah. That feeling. How long? It was so familiar. Shuu couldn’t grasp it just yet; his body still thrummed with intense pain, although it was slowly starting to dull…or perhaps he was just becoming accustomed to it? He could take more - he had in the past, just…not like this. Not this sudden, and not without any idea of the intent of the one who did it.

“Mm…” 

"Are you...upset with me?"

A soft groan was all the doctor could manage, unable to form anything coherent in response to all of the questions posed. It was too hard, he was losing focus. What… What was the point of this again? All of this. Yuuya. He felt tired suddenly, too many thoughts swirling around in his mind while his body attempted to deal with blood loss.

_'It hurts. It all hurts. Again.'_

Eyebrows pulled together again as the teacher's expression shifted into something new - actual remorse. His fingers tightened around Shuu's own, grasping his palm a little harder as he brought the other's hand up to his lips. Yuuya swallowed hard as he watched the back of Shuu's blood-covered knuckles touch Kazuaki's naked lips, aquamarine hues still just as wide as before. What was...?

Shuu’s eyes widened, watching his own gloved hand being lifted to Kazuaki's lips. It was slow, tender…loving? He felt the tiny difference in the air, warm breath coming across his cold knuckles. He shivered, this time in response to something far more harmful than a scalpel to the back.

_'Ah…please. You don’t know. Please don’t. I want to…'_

Drawing his head back, Kazuaki's eyelids fell half-closed.

" _Fascinating..._ " suddenly came a mock tone. Yuuya's eyes shifted back to the blonde quickly, tearing his gaze away from the pair of joined hands.

“...K…Kazuaki?”

' _Do it_.'

Kazuaki took half a step back as laughter lifted from him again, eyes flashing over with that detached glaze from before. 

It happened too fast for Shuu to react properly. He fixated on Kazauki's hand being torn from his own, the sudden shift in tone jarring - the loss of connection alone left the doctor feeling cold. He was so close. Was the teacher about to give him something? Just for him? Did he know somehow? Know what Shuu truly liked, even more than what he did with his assistant? How could he know? How could he? How could he take it away now? Why was…

Kazuaki ripped his palm from out of Shuu's, instead lifting it to settle those fingers through brunette hair at the top of the doctor's head. Shuu felt cruel fingers in his hair, tugging tight against his scalp. The doctor made no move to remove them, his hand falling back down to the cold mattress in submission. Kazuaki's other hand reached around, quickly pulling the scalpel from out of the injured shoulder as he twisted his body to one side. Shuu felt the air leave his lungs as the scalpel was plucked out, but for some reason could not hear himself - he wasn’t even sure if he did make any noise at all. It didn’t matter. His pain didn’t matter.

The blonde pulled  _hard_  with the grip he had on Shuu's head, jerking the doctor partially off of Yuuya before taking another step back. Trembling fingers curled into Shuu's thigh as Yuuya came to his own senses, trying to rise up despite the ache of his cuts, as he felt Kazuaki tearing the doctor away from him. Despite his verbal protest and the way both hands reached out to try and ground Shuu's hips back into place within his lap, Kazuaki was  _strong_.

"I-IWAMINE!" Yuuya shouted, still desperately trying to pull Shuu back to him which only seemed to cause Kazuaki to laugh even more loudly.

As his head snapped back, violet eyes shifted to Yuuya, connecting for just a moment. The doctor had no idea if he had sent his assistant any sort of message - he could barely feel anything other than new waves of pain wracking his body. He felt suddenly cold, realizing his lower half had partially left the warmth of Yuuya’s lap. His eyes closed tightly in a wince; his neck was starting to hurt now, bent at an unreasonable angle as Kazuaki's strength overwhelmed him. There was no point in fighting, no point in resisting.

_'You deserve this. This and much worse.'_

Shuu reached out, fingers weakly brushing against Yuuya’s sleeve, a panicked grin across pale lips. 

“…Yuuya…”

At some point the doctor's mind decided it was enough. Too much information all at once and none of it could properly be translated with that loud throb every two seconds; pain really did get in the way of critical thinking. He felt it all, even if unable to make any sense of it. Felt the absence of Yuuya, pain at the top of his scalp, unable hold his own weight. Kazuaki’s eyes…ah, what a sight. If Shuu had been in a different position, he would have loved to watch them - that manic look, so bright, so  _alive._  Had Kazuaki been hiding all this time? What a wonderful appearance…

Taking another step backward and with one last substantial tug, Kazuaki dragged Shuu out into the darkness of the infirmary. Grinning, golden, wild eyes widened again as he held the doctor upright by his hair before kicking him hard to throw him down to the floor - forcing him to land upon his injured shoulder.

More pain, this time arriving swiftly to a side of Shuu's body, and unfortunately not the right side. Bruised ribs? Likely. Cracked? Well, too soon to tell - the doctor didn’t spend much time dwelling on that one, considering the wind was knocked out of him as he landed to the floor, injured shoulder screaming against the cold tiles - it was obvious that any clotting attempts had been ruined in that one moment. He could feel it, the slick feeling soaking into his clothes, forming a dark spot on the floor beneath him. He lay there, eyes wide open but not seeing anything at all, back to the floor and body sprawled out, wherever his limbs fell, he just left them.

More laughter. Laughing at him. Ah well, it was a bit funny, ironic too…

Numb. Shuu's mind was going numb now, closing down its walls, letting the pain take over his body. He couldn’t control the shaking anymore, random shivers flowing up and down his spine. Didn’t he just tease Yuuya about this…this _moment_?

Walking forward, the blonde still chuckled to himself as he lifted his foot to rest it upon the opposite side of Shuu's shoulder; soon bearing his entire weight down to grind the injury into the floor and pin Shuu there in place.

White hot pain this time - emergency. Shuu turned his gaze, eyes barely focusing on the polished shoe currently crushing down onto his shoulder. A distant scream echoed in his ears…who was that? Was that...? It was too early to be overwhelmed, and yet, he felt the familiar nausea, threatening tunnel vision as his body fought against sensory overload and panic; no, he wouldn’t black out yet. 

The scalpel the teacher held was tossed back and forth between both of his hands as Kazuaki gazed down at the doctor, admiring the way Shuu looked beneath him, stopping once it landed in his right hand one last time - then promptly raised the blade up to his face before slowly gliding his tongue along one side of it; blood collecting upon the muscle in a rather tantalizing show of unrestrained fearlessness.

"The taste is  _the same_ ," came another mocking tone of voice; Kazuaki's lips turning upward into a smirk. "There was  _fear_  in  _his_ eyes, too."

Shuu looked up, Kazuaki’s glittering eyes intensely clear to him now, watching, staring as he slid the bloody scalpel along his own tongue. His breathing had paused, mesmerized at the display. Something changed then, something Shuu’s mind remembered deep down, something his body recalled. It didn’t matter, the bleeding…it wasn’t so bad. It was everywhere now, the blood was everywhere on them…such a pretty shade...

_'I deserve it. I deserve the pain. Give it to me.'_

The hand of his damaged arm came up, fingers gently creeping along Kazuaki’s ankle, tugging slightly as he licked his lips.

“Is that so? You’ll have to show me, closer, Kazuaki. You aren’t close enough.”

He laughed, his deep voice echoing against the tile, eyes unruly, unable to fight the sincere grin that crawled along his mouth.

Was that a request? A single eyebrow twitched as the look on Kazuaki's face seemed to dissolve into something closer to astonishment. He felt the hand at the back of his ankle, the way Shuu tugged there; did he truly want him  _closer_? He didn't hear the way the bed creaked as Yuuya lifted himself up to sit, too entirely infatuated with the way Shuu spoke to him. His wrist bent, twirling the scalpel around to hold it between his fingers once again as his mind took hold of his body once more. That hysterical smirk from before had returned as his eyes lit up, detaching his ankle from Shuu's touch - kicking the doctor's palm away in the process.

_'Yes. Yes, come on. Closer.'_

Shuu let his hand hit the cold floor, uncaring that Nanaki had kicked it away. It didn’t hurt - even if it did, the doctor was far to focused on the form above him to notice. His face…everything about him caused Shuu’s pulse to increase. One leg stepped over Shuu, now both feet to either side of the doctor. Kazuaki lowered himself, his hips meeting with Shuu's as he continued to hold the blade up above him and away. His other palm came to settle against the side of Shuu's face while Kazuaki bent over him, peering down at the doctor with another flash of sensibility. The pad of his thumb swept along a single cheekbone as the teacher pushed his fingers up into Shuu's hairline; curling his hand around the back of Shuu's head to cradle him there comfortably within his palm. Shuu's lower back arched slightly off the floor, impatient as legs framed his damaged body, fingers twitching in anticipation as he watched Kazuaki shift down, hips meeting his own. The doctor bit his lower lip, hips bucking up just slightly as he slid his legs up, the soles of his shoes meeting the floor as he rested the tops of his thighs against Nanaki’s back. Shuu slide his arms down, careful not to make any quick movements as his fingers inched up, palms resting half way up both legs straddling him.

Compared to moments ago, it now felt like everything was spectacularly clear and focused. Violet eyes darted to the side as he felt Kazuaki’s touch, warm fingers sliding against his cold skin, rising still to rest in brown locks. He let his eyes drift, half-lidded as he leaned into the touch; the shaking in his hands had finally stopped. He was so close. So gentle, even within the moment - contentment, fear, warmth, pain. The pain had stopped pounding now, just a continuous thrum running along his whole body. It felt familiar. It felt…good. Right.

"Even this close," Kazuaki whispered, sinking his body farther down. His fingers suddenly curled into a tight fist - grabbing thick locks of hair with it - as he tugged Shuu's head back to expose his neck just above the collar of his pressed, lavender-colored shirt, " _it's still the same_."

Shuu’s eyes slid shut, welcoming the agony, feeling the tilt of his head, his neck being exposed to the dense air around them. He didn’t fight it, just moved at his own free will, moved where Kazuaki wanted him. Gloved fingers tightened against strong thighs as the doctor smiled.

_'You feel wonderful.'_

Lost. Perfectly lost in a vast sea of torture. Only blood was worthy as payment, his own blood. There was no way to pay it all back, for everything he had done. The doctor would have to die over and over again, draining slowly to pay for all the evil he had caused. He would do it, gladly, if that meant he could keep this feeling. Years and years of causing sadness to others…death. No one questioned him, no one challenged him for so long, until now. He lay there, beneath Kazuaki, completely enthralled and addicted to it all. He couldn’t help but be aroused, blood still dribbling out of his wounds, the threat of dying so real. So close.

Yuuya gently stepped down onto the cold tile floor, one foot after the other. He remained next to the bed, however, still partially sitting there as one hand grasped the edge of the mattress while his other bloodied palm raised to grab hold of the curtain. The room was still so dark, even past the drape of white fabric. Had it gotten darker? He couldn't bring himself to glance at the window and see the way it was still so bleakly overcast; the lack of light in the room only gave the scene on the floor a more gritty display. His eyes moved to the tile itself, watching the way blood slowly pooled beneath Shuu's injured shoulder or the way the excess on the blade and Kazuaki's hand dripped down to splatter in violent drops.

"You know... I have waited... _so long_...for  _this_  moment..."

Kazuaki disregarded Yuuya's attention, his eyes still intently focused upon Shuu's face.

"I didn't...ever  _dream_ that it would be like this..." The teacher brought arm down quickly. Yuuya shouted as he stumbled forward but Kazuaki stopped just short of piercing Shuu's cheek. The blonde just grinned to himself, having no intentions of striking Shuu fatally  _just yet_. Instead, the sharp end at the top of the scalpel pricked at Shuu's cheek before gliding upward to the front of an ear. Shuu’s eyes opened, gaze focused directly to Kazuaki…those eyes, so intense, so promising. He didn’t even flinch as the scalpel came down. Instead, pale lips curled up, grinning, waiting. Fingers tightened once more as the scalpel moved, a tiny sliver along the side of his face - the pain barely registered. All he could feel was the warm drip, tiny beads of his own blood forming along the clean line. 

"But I never...once imagined just... _how beautiful_...you would look, scared to  _death. He_ looked beautiful, too... But he was always beautiful. And then...there was  _him_ , too. So seduced. So misled. You  _both_ had that in common, you know... Both of you were  _sloppy_ and  _unaware_ of what was going on around you _. Never suspecting a thing._ "

Kazuaki lifted his arm again, a psychopathic smirk spreading wider across his face as the deranged gleam in his eyes only seemed to increase. His hand spun the scalpel around between long fingers once again before he gripped it tightly within a fist with the blade pointed down at Shuu - as one would hold a dagger.

Not all of the words said were getting through to Shuu, his mind too muddled now, too far gone in the feeling of it all. Not all of them made sense, but the idea of questioning Kazuaki was just not there. 

_Beautiful. Scared. Misled. Unaware._

Just words. Were they meant for him? He couldn’t tell, he didn’t want to know. So much talking…too much talking. That look again. 

_'More. I need more.'_

"Ah, but how I've been  _dying_ to teach  _you_ a lesson for  _years_."

Just a whisper, meant only for his assailant, “Do it. I’m yours now.”

Violet eyes watched the scalpel, the glint of the dirtied blade in the darkness, only catching what little light was available. 

_'There it is.'_

Kazuaki's grip on the back of Shuu's head and hair intensified tenfold as he bent the doctor's neck backward, easing himself up just enough so that he could expose more of Shuu's neck to him - in that beautiful little space where the bottom of his jawline met the top of his neck. He pulled the doctor's head to the side as well, the expanse of flesh utterly appetizing. This wasn't exactly the way Kazuaki wanted things to go... But then again, he wasn't sure what he would have picked if given a choice. So many options... So many scenarios... He had  _dreamed_ of this.

And now, it was here. Shuu was here. Kazuaki could feel his body convulsing beneath him at the loss of blood and the shock and fear. There was no guilt here. There was no remorse. There was only reprieve; an unadulterated joy that had finally risen up to meet Kazuaki's golden eyes as the hint of tears began to appear at dark lashes.

This was his freedom... This was his forgiveness. 

A broken laugh fell past Kazuaki's lips.

This would end his own suffering and this would redeem his own past sins. Everything he had done, everything he had sacrificed, everything he had planned; it had all led up to this.

To this moment.

Eyebrows knit together, small parts of whatever was left of Shuu’s logic were screaming at something about that, but he couldn’t piece it all together, especially not  _now_ , with those wicked fingers tugging more at his hair, forcing him to offer up all of his neck, shoving his head painfully to the side. Again, that annoying logic - he should be panicked - this was a situation that called for panic, and yet…

Perhaps his body knew that, breath coming out erratic as his right leg slipped back down to the floor - it seemed that even the simplest commands were failing again. Annoying - something in his mind telling him to move, move his hands. Survival? Was this…

He could see it, the pool of his own blood had spread so far on the floor beneath them. It looked like a lot from his view point…too much…it was too much already. He shifted his hands up further, closer to Nanaki’s hips. He was so warm, so inviting. 

 _'You could fight this._ _No. Why would you fight something you want?_ _You want this. Suffering, pain. Death? I_ _s this what it feels like?_ _How exciting.'_

Laughter again hit the doctor's ears. His voice was so familiar, so honest. To know that Kazuaki was getting great pleasure from this as well…if only there were some way to repeat this, of course, without dying. It would be impossible to hurt for someone, to please them, if you didn’t exist. 

_'Will you give me what I deserve, Kazuaki?'_

Kazuaki's hand came down, fully intent on murder as a tear fell from one crazed, amber eye to drip down and kiss the top of his grinning lips, Yuuya finally tore himself away from the bed to race forward.

Violet eyes closed gently, letting the pain take over again, letting himself feel something, overriding all of the emergency signals his body was sending. He could hear it, the shift in the air - knew that the scalpel was moving, knew what would happen next, fulling welcoming it all. It would hurt this way - he would have to deal with bleeding out, the panic and shock would ripple through his body until it finally gave out, finally let him sleep. If he could just see Kazuaki once more, know that he was happy - that Shuu was able to give him pleasure through his pain…ah, well...

He felt it, the sharp sting of the blade he was so accustomed too, running along his freely exposed neck. He loved scalpels for that reason - they were so precise, so clean…when the blood began to flow it truly was beautiful to watch. Of course, sometimes…something more jagged and rough was appropriate, but Shuu still preferred sleek medical tools. 

Warmth. His own warmth leaving his body, dripping out from his neck, down to his lap coat, small droplets finding their way into his messy locks and further onto the floor. This was it…soon it would all be...

The doctor frowned; something was wrong. Voices echoed in his mind…someone had yelled, someone had touched Kazuaki…someone…

" _NANAKI!_ "

Shuu’s eyes snapped open to meet gold, confusion seeping into his mind slowly as eyebrows knit together. What was wrong? Why was he still alive? He couldn’t please Kazuaki this way…he couldn’t. He had to hurt, until the very end. So why…

_Yuuya._

Yuuya exclaimed the teacher's name a second time before throwing himself into Kazuaki's back, both arms rising up to quickly wind around the blonde's own. He was successful in actually stopping him, but not before the scalpel could pierce Shuu's skin deep enough to draw an ample amount of blood - but nothing life-threatening. At least he hadn't cleaved into a jugular or artery.

Kazuaki's eyes dimmed for a moment, the shock hitting him enough to bring mindfulness back to his gaze. Golden colors met with amethyst just long enough before the blonde's eyes widened, not a sound leaving his mouth as Yuuya ripped him away from Shuu.

Suddenly Shuu's fingers were touching nothing, the warmth of Kazuaki had been removed from his body. He felt cold air replace instead, leaving Shuu confused and alone. This wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right. Why? Why would he take Kazuaki away from him?

A small gasp to rise up as Yuuya threw Kazuaki to the ground, crossing both arms behind the teacher's back with one hand as the other grabbed hold of blonde hair. Yuuya pushed half of Kazuaki's face into the bitter tile while pressing his own weight onto the other's back as the infirmary assistant straddled the teacher from behind.

Shuu could do nothing but watch, body too tired to move, too unwilling to try to help, to pull him back, drag his warmth back on top of his dying body, let him finish this all now. It wasn’t fair. He was so close, it had felt  _so_  good. 

"Is--" Kazuaki began, staring back at Shuu, before he was pressed harder into the floor; both arms being forced to cross even more painfully behind him as fresh tears rose back up into his eyes.

Shuu suddenly reached out to Kazuaki, dulled jolts of pain radiating from his shoulder - it didn’t matter. He couldn’t reach, he couldn’t help as Kazuaki was shoved to the ground, just out of Shuu’s range to touch. His right hand came up, palm resting against the steady drip from his neck, attempting to slow the process in hopes that his body would eventually listen, eventually move to get over to Kazuaki. 

_'Why. Why are you taking this away now?'_

Frustrated tears began to collect in the corners of violet eyes, partially hidden behind his red frames and disheveled brown locks. 

"Drop it!" Yuuya shouted; he pressed down harder, forcing the blonde's crossed arms to pull even more tightly together behind him.

“N… No. Kazuaki. Please.”

A pained groan slipped through Shuu's lips, forcing his arm to reach out farther to the teacher as his bloodied glove slipped along the floor, unable to gain and traction. 

A single golden eye bore right back into Shuu's gaze as Kazuaki laid there, silently calling to the other for help as another tear managed to fall past the bridge of his nose. He tried to understand what had just happened before visibly wincing as Yuuya forced his face to press harder into the floor; another tear spilling down his cheek.

"Get off."

"No!" Yuuya snapped right back, curling his fingers farther into blonde hair as he glared. "He isn't  _yours_ to kill, Nanaki! Have you lost your mind, man?! Drop the scalpel!"

_'…What? No.'_

It didn’t make any sense. None of this was right, he wasn’t supposed to be here now, it was all wrong. Yuuya didn’t understand, he  _couldn’t possibly_  get it, get what Kazuaki was giving him. No one would understand, only them. It was the only way, it made  _sense_  to them both, and now Yuuya was ruining it all. Why.  _Why._

_'Give me back what I deserve.'_

He felt them now, angry tears spilling from his own eyes, unable to wipe them away, unable to make them stop. All Shuu wanted was to feel - to feel something right, to feel alive. He tried, over and over, slashing at Yuuya’s willing body, getting tiny glimpses of what it really meant to feel something real, that sickening pleasure that was so intoxicating. And yet, it felt so much better with Kazuaki’s weight on him, threatening, promising pain, promising the greatest release, promising him something no one else had ever tried before.

Ironic. For all that Shuu deserved - it happened to be just what he truly wanted, and now it was ripped away again. So close.  _So close._

He watched on, eyes wide and searching, the beautiful sound of Kazuaki’s laugh starting to echo again, across the tiles, across his mind. 

_'It is funny, isn’t it?'_

Shuu grinned back, fingers no longer reaching out as they tightened together, nails digging into his own palm on the floor. 

_'Of all people to stop this. It would be him. How comical.'_

Kazuaki's chest collapsed as he let out a shrill laugh; but it quickly dissolved into something far more demented, a low chuckle as he bit his own tongue between his teeth with a wry little smile. The blonde kept his gaze locked with Shuu's, never once breaking the contact, but he did as told. His hands relaxed to release his hold on the blade which Yuuya quickly grabbed and threw toward the bed. Yuuya himself was breathing heavily. He let go of Kazuaki's head enough to wipe at his nose with the back of his sleeve, ridding fresh and dry blood enough to be able to breath. Fingertips pushed his glasses up his nose as he remained seated where he was before glancing back over at Shuu.

Yuuya's heart was beating so hard... His chest hurt because of it. How long had it been since any of this had started? He wanted to go to sleep... This was too much to take in and feel for as long as he had.

"If he isn't  _mine_  then whose is he?" Kazuaki quipped. Yuuya's eyes dropped down to find that single amber orb staring right back into his own. " _Get off_." 

It was Shuu’s voice this time that came through the air - a snicker that caught both of their attentions. His right hand shifted, releasing the hold on his neck, satisfied that for the most part the bleeding had stopped, although a few spots still formed small beads of fresh blood. He brought the gloved hand to his face, his tongue darting out once to lick at a finger tip before teeth grasped the latex there, pulling carefully, methodically to each finger until his hand was free finally. He chucked the glove away before his free hand moved to the one still gloved, fingers uncurling as he tugged that one off, eyes flickering back to Yuuya and then Kazuaki. 

Kazuaki tore his gaze away from Yuuya's in order to roll back over to where Shuu still laid on the floor some few feet away. Still panting, Yuuya's own aquamarine hues fell upon the doctor who was now pulling at his glove; then the other. Soon both pale hands were exposed, free of blood save for the rim of crimson around his wrists where splatter was still satisfied to linger. The student had not moved from where he sat, his weight still upon the back of Kazuaki's hips as the teacher's arms remained crossed behind him - locked beneath Yuuya's hold. Kazuaki made no move to get away. It wasn't that he was entirely transfixed on what it was Shuu was doing, he simply felt no need to buck Yuuya off of him yet.

Gold met with amethyst again as another sardonic smile spread across Kazuaki's lips. The teacher chuckled low to himself before finally closing his eyes, resting his face further into the bleak tile against his cheek.

Shuu licked his lips again, tongue darting against the chapped skin before tugging down at his own tie, fingers of his right hand popping the top button. If he couldn’t get what he truly wanted, he would make due with whatever could possibly be left - whatever anyone could give him now. 

Yuuya's glare narrowed as he watched Shuu's movements carefully; what was he doing? Taking off his tie? His shirt? The doctor could hardly move yet he was attempting to undress himself? Blood never bothered Shuu before so why should it now?

“A compelling question indeed, Yuuya. Are you trying to steal me away from Kazuaki? And just when things were getting…interesting. That's not very nice, you know, my assistant.”

_'What is it that you want, Yuuya?'_

_'What?'_

Kazuaki began muttering against the floor; nothing either of them could understand, however.

"What are you...?" Yuuya breathed, eyes still upon Shuu.

The doctor smirked, fully aware of what he was doing, curious to see if Yuuya would react, if he would come back to him. 

“Tell me. Who do I belong to? I’m curious to know the answer.”


	3. As The Hurt Turns Into Hating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My mind is done with this,  
> Okay, I've got a question  
> "Can I throw it all away?"  
> Take back what's mine  
> So I take my time, guiding the blade down the line  
> Each cut closer to the vein (vein, vein)
> 
> This state is elevating, as the hurt turns into hating  
> Anticipating, all the fucked up feelings again

"To me," Kazuaki spoke again, fingers twitching. "You belong to  _me_."

A smile spread across the doctor's lips. Kazuaki still wanted him? How wonderful, to feel wanted like that. But what of Yuuya? Did he want him too? Ah, well…it didn’t matter…as long as someone was still willing to make him pay. It never crossed Shuu’s mind as to  _why_  Nanaki would react this way or feel that he owned the claim. It was all too sudden, too  _exciting._ Things that had dripped from his crazed mouth - only some of them made sense. Shuu couldn’t recall it all now, even as his breath was finally becoming even, the bleeding at the back of his shoulder slowing now - the cloth there must have aided in attempts to seal the wound. If only it had been his right side; Shuu wouldn’t be in such panic. He knew he would have felt  _something_ , but no where close to what he currently felt like. Weak. Tired.  _Unsatisfied._

Yuuya hissed low, under his breath, as he gripped the blonde's arms more firmly - earning a sharp whine from Kazuaki as his arms were pulled even more tightly together, a tugging, white hot pain that radiated up and down the blonde's arms. A heavy breath followed when Kazuaki felt Yuuya loosen his grip, panting as his eyes rolled back over to meet with Shuu's once more.

Shuu tilted his head to the side, watching Yuuya straddle Nanaki on the floor, pushing his weight into that frail back, pain crossing across light eyebrows. His right hand paused, fingers drifting away from the second to last button at the top of his shirt. He longed to reach out, to either of them really - it wasn’t fair, that they should be able to share the warmth like that. Shuu didn’t see it for what any of it really was; Yuuya saving him from Kazuaki's intent to murder. He couldn’t in his haze of want and pain. No. No, it was only Yuuya getting in the way, and now this…leaving Shuu alone and cold on the floor. The best he could do was keep talking, keep manipulating until someone would touch him again.

Golden eyes again, looking right at him, emotions flittering between manic, then blank, then somewhere between. Yuuya wouldn’t understand.  _No one else understood._ It was so painful, more than his blood pooling around him, more than the cuts Kazuaki had gifted him. His bare hand reached out again, fingernails scraping against the tile. They were too far away. Nothing was in his control anymore, nothing within reach.  _Frustrating._

These two... Had Yuuya missed something this whole time? The way Shuu had appeared to look so deceived, the way he let Kazuaki do as he pleased, the way they had spoken to one another, the way they gazed back at one another, the way Shuu had even  _reached out_ for Kazuaki the first time once Yuuya had ripped him away... It was too hard to understand. None of it made sense. Why? If they were...lovers in any sort of the sense, why would Kazuaki want to  _kill_ Shuu? Yuuya knew the doctor had not lived a good life. While he was, in fact, a very brilliant mind who had attributed to a multitude of medical breakthroughs that were actually quite beneficial and astounding, that wasn't enough to outweigh all the atrocious things he had done in the name of medicine. 

But what would Kazuaki know about any of that?

Shuu had been the one that had saved that bastard Le Bel from the edge of death.  _That_ was how Yuuya had first come to know of Shuu Iwamine. And then the reports came; the records. The assignment. While Yuuya was certainly past his years of highschool and should have been settled comfortably within university years, he was the only one with enough of a youthful appearance to pass as a student. The fact that Sakuya was here only came as a surprise; this little bit of information was his own personal mission. It had nothing to do with his assignment here... Yet Yuuya had certainly done a shit job of keeping the two separated. But how could he have expected to when Shuu had known Sakuya because of Le Bel? Or deduce the obvious from their similar files?

The voice in Kazuaki's head was gone..for now. The teacher looked a bit peaceful as he continued to lay there, still staring back at Shuu while Yuuya seemed to try to grasp hold of the situation he was currently in. In fact, Kazuaki couldn't recall even hearing the voice once he actually went  _in_ for the kill. Perhaps he had finally satisfied  _him_ despite the interruption. It wasn't like Kazuaki was just going to walk away now and pretending nothing ever happened - no, no, he had come too far. He was  _so close_.

But to know he had at least pleased  _him_  took some of the burden away... And left him now with his own personal commitments.

" _Iwamine_..." Kazuaki called out, in his best sing-song voice; mocking, crooning.

"Be quiet," Yuuya hissed as began to tear himself away from Kazuaki, pushing himself up to his feet and stepped over the blonde to make his way back to the doctor.

“Kazuaki…come back. It's cold.”

Violet eye flickered to Yuuya’s form now, watching him release Kazuaki and push away. Did he really trust him enough for that? After everything that had just happened? The doctor had never considered Kazuaki would have any of this in him - he wasn’t so sure that Yuuya would be safe either and Shuu was in no shape to attempt to save his assistant. 

_'Safe. None of us are safe anymore.'_

The teacher slowly pulled his arms back down to his sides but remained laying there, curiously observing the way Yuuya now lowered himself down to straddle the front of Shuu's hips. Shuu watched Yuuya lower himself, hips meeting his own, a familiar warmth coming back to him. Part of his mind kept warning him - you shouldn’t be this cold, something is wrong. Too much blood loss? Emotional trauma? No. No, it didn’t matter, not anymore anyways, with that delicious heat from his assistants body now warming him. The doctor's assistant made a face; of course he shouldn't be surprised to feel the throb of excitement beneath him, this sort of thing  _always_ managed to get Shuu's heart racing. But to think that he could still get it up after coming  _so close to death_ and while bleeding out on the floor... Yuuya wasn't sure if he was impressed or sickened.

Shuu grinned, seeing Yuuya’s features twist in disgust at the doctor's obvious arousal. 

“Ah, Yuuya, does this mean you want me to belong to you? So  _rude_ , leaving Kazuaki all alone?”

Yuuya's hands pushed the brunette's away to take over, popping open a few more buttons along the doctor's stained shirt before reaching for his tie. He began to unlace it, then pulled it out entirely from underneath the pressed collar to wrap around one hand. Shuu laughed, letting his palm be swatted back to the floor, eyes trailing along Yuuya’s forearms, watching his assistant hurry to undress him further, tie slipping free from the confines of his neck, splattered and ruined by the blood of them both.

"What are you doing?" Kazuaki questioned from his position on the floor, sounding more like his former self - sleepy, drowsy. "What are you doing with him?"

"I thought I told you to  _be quiet_ ," Yuuya frowned, glancing over his shoulder only once. Standing up again, he reached down to grab hold of the front of Shuu's shirt and vest and began to lift him up to his feet.

What was Yuuya doing? The same thought flickered through the doctor’s mind as his assistant began to tug him up from the floor, shoulder aching in protest at the movement. He grimaced, fresh air hitting the exposed wound, sticky and half-dry with his own caked blood and ruined clothes. Shuu already knew it was going to be especially hard to treat that wound, his right arm already partially unresponsive and lacking in feeling. Maybe Yuuya could assist and…ah, well, perhaps not. 

The youth balanced the the doctor's weight, assuming Shuu wouldn't be able to stand very well by himself, just long enough to turn him around and bend the doctor over his own desk. As he had done with Kazuaki, Yuuya immediately pulled Shuu's arms behind him; crossing them with each other before reaching for the multi-colored tie wrapped around his palm. He wasted no time in tying the doctor's arms together like that, not caring if it injured Shuu's shoulder further.

Shuu stood upright, the undamaged side of his body leaning against Yuuya’s form as he fought the disoriented feeling washing over him; nausea and dizziness threatening to send him on his knees. He didn’t protest as Yuuya turned him, thankful that his desk was right there to catch his weight - it was too much of a struggle just standing those few moments. He felt his hair fall out around his ears, scattered against important papers, the fine print of the day’s activities coming into focus in front of him. Perhaps he would miss that first faculty meeting after all…

“Ahh...mmnn…” 

Shuu’s eyes slid shut tightly, familiar shooting pain ran along his injured shoulder as his arms were twisted back painfully. His body shook under Yuuya’s hands, the sick feeling of wet linen shifting and sliding apart from his wound where it had partially started to dry. It hurt all over again, just as it had when Kazuaki threw him to the floor, making the deep gash ooze again, his blood protesting to come forward. He felt the tug through the pain, something wrapping and tightening against his arms, securing them in place. Slowly, the doctor realized why Yuuya hand stolen his tie from around his neck.

_'Ah. How romantic, Yuuya. To use my own tricks against me.'_

Kazuaki slowly pushed himself up to sit, watching from where he was for several moments then finally brought himself to stand. He tilted his head to the side, his eyes blinking slowly as he watched the way Yuuya pushed Shuu into the desk; the way he tied his arms behind his back.

"What are you going to do with him?"

Dripping. Shuu's ears caught the gentle slow drip, tiny droplets of his blood falling quietly to the paperwork below as they slid off from his neck, cut burning against the cool air. It was fascinating to watch, the way blood expanded on the surface, ruining the perfect white of the paper, sinking deep down into the layers. More. It needed more. It wasn’t soaking through all the way. It wasn’t symmetrical. 

_'It’s not enough.'_

Golden eyes flicked to the side, watching as Shuu's face pressed into it all - the way his blood smeared across notes and files.

"I'm going to finally give him what he deserves. Death is too much of a blessing for someone like  _him_."

_'Deserve? What do I deserve. Give me everything. Everything until I can finally feel.'_

"So..." Kazuaki slowly stepped forward. Yuuya paused to look up, weary despite assuming that the teacher was no longer armed. But instead of coming closer to Yuuya, Kazuaki took a seat within Shuu's office chair. One hand settled onto the arm rest of the chair, the other lifting to reach out to the desk. His palm settled against the top of Shuu's head, not curling his fingers into strained strands of hair this time, but instead began to gently, comfortingly, pet him. "You'll just  _give him up_ like that? What about  _you_? What about  _Sakuya_? Wouldn't  _Sakuya_ tell you to hurt him? I know... I would want...to make him feel the same pain...that he made  _Sakuya_ feel."

Fingers in his hair again. Shuu flinched, arms tugging at his restraints before he realized no pain came from it the gentle caress. Ah…it felt good, those wicked fingers through his disheveled locks, the same hands that were so close to ending it all. Kazuaki. The doctor strained against his bonds, trying to push himself forward more into that touch, eyes falling shut as his breath increased, chest rising and falling against the disarranged desktop. 

Yuuya narrowed his eyes as he pulled more tightly at the knot he had just made. His grip was shaking.

"D-Don't bring Sakuya into this--"

"You were just  _screaming_  at him a few minutes ago... Didn't you  _hate him_?" Kazuaki whispered, smiling to himself so sweetly, eyes closing upward, as he continued to pet through Shuu's hair; nails gently scratching at an abused scalp. "What  _happened_? You saved him once. Now twice?"

Shuu was slipping: body wracked with constant pain, blood flowing freely, tainting all that it touched, fingers curling and uncurling against his own arms satisfied that they could no longer move from his own free will. Yuuya’s body behind him, warm and demanding. Kazuaki’s fingers, drifting him along into a false sense of security. He couldn’t hear anymore - rather, he could make out the sound of them both talking above him, but none of the words were getting through. 

The doctor sighed in contentment, tiny pricks of pain running along both his arms as Yuuya tugged the knot tighter. 

"Th... That is--"

"If you aren't going to  _kill_ him...then  _give him back._ "

_Give him back._

_Him._

A New Year's party at the office. Hidden in the darkness of the laboratory, shoved against a metal examining table in this same position. Those delicate fingers, inching up his spine, making him do vicious things. Drunken whispers close to his ear. The pain, bent over for the first time, arms held together behind his back. The table was cold, but he was so warm,  _so_  right. It wasn’t right. They weren’t supposed to…

_'It’s ok. You can take it, right? You want it. I can tell you know, when you look at me like that.'_

_'Shh. Don’t tell anyone, ok? You’ll do that for me, right…Isa? Our secret.'_

_Ryuuji._

Shuu couldn’t stop them. Tears, more tears, hot against his cheek, sliding down to collect with his blood, tiny drops splattering against already soaked paper. A pained whimper escaped from the doctor's mouth, hips shoving back again as he struggled against his restraint, shoulder screaming against the violent tug. It didn’t matter. More. More blood.

Payment.

_'I can’t, I can’t. Make it stop. Please.'_

Something dripped down onto the paper. Turning his gaze back down, golden colors widened when Kazuki noticed... _tears_. Slowly, dripping down Shuu's face, melting with blood to become some sort of diluted shade of sanguine. Kazuaki began to rise up to his feet but stopped when Shuu's backward thrust threw Yuuya into motion. 

Yuuya visibly twitched as his nostrils flared, anger rising back up in him as did the tears in his eyes from before.

The assistant pulled Shuu back up to his full height, leaning him up against his chest. One hand lifted from the reigns that bound Shuu's arms together, slipping it around a narrow waist to fell into place just at the front of the doctor's belt buckle. His other palm lifted, taking hold of Shuu's jawline to turn the doctor's face toward him. Yuuya raised his own face, closing his eyes as he twitched; a hot tongue parting through nude lips to graze along a cut cheek, tasting copper and salt melding together upon his palate.

Shuu's body felt impossibly light, easily lifted and manipulated as Yuuya situated him how he wanted. He didn’t fight it at all, form falling back against his assistant's chest as his head tilted, simply led by angry fingers. Violet eyes dipped partially closed, the doctor’s breathing miserably slow as he felt wetness trace along the side of his face, collecting all the payment that his body was willing to give. 

"It's ok..." Yuuya whispered, voice wavering. "It's ok to cry. It's your natural reaction when you know that you're in  _trouble_. But I told you...  _I warned you_..."

__'Isa_ _, I told you, stay quiet. You don’t want them to hear, right? You don’t want to get in trouble. We can’t have that.'_ _

Deranged laughter spilled from Shuu's lips, tears still flowing down, making it impossible to focus on anything. 

Yuuya listened to Shuu laugh, something foreign, unstable and shrill. More tears fell; Yuuya was satisfied to lap them right up.

“Do it. Hurry now, Yuuya. Hurry. I can’t wait anymore. Make me…pay for him.  _You want it. I can tell, you know._ ”

Kazuaki remained seated where he was, watching the pair above him a bit wide-eyed as his hand lingered in the bloody pool Shuu had been laying in just moments ago.

"You've been so  _bad_ , doctor..." Yuuya frowned, drawing his face back just enough to gaze back down at the brunette with dangerously narrowed eyes. "You broke your promise. I told you to  _stay away from him_. Do you want me to  _punish you_? I have no choice now."

_'Come now, you know why you deserve this, right? You’ve been bad, Isa. You know what happens when you are bad.'_

An uncontrollable shiver ran down Shuu’s spine, Yuuya’s words tugging and ripping into painful memories - things he never wanted to remember again. The words stung, echoing through his disturbed mind as Shuu leaned back, his body betraying him, seeking out the warmth and familiar touch of his assistant. It didn’t matter anymore, as long as someone used him, as long as someone could stop all of these emotions bubbling over. For all that Shuu had done to Yuuya, he still took solace in him - he knew those fingers intimately, knew the dips and curves of his own favorite spots. It had never been like this before; Shuu had never given Yuuya the pleasure of control, but it wasn’t so bad now…it felt good actually, finally not possessing it, not being able to take it as both the doctor’s mind and body simply no longer wanted it.

It all sounded so...practiced. What was Yuuya saying? Kazuaki's eyes fell, watching the way a hand expertly began to unbuckle Shuu's belt with force, before the assistant's hand dipped down past the khaki fabric; forcing the zipper to glide down with ease. Shuu could feel Yuuya's palm wrap around him, pressed up against the fabric of boxer briefs. He pet him there, forcing friction to warm Shuu's lap further, before he began to push all fabric down from narrow, thin hips. Kazuaki inhaled slightly once Shuu was exposed to him entirely, eyes flying open once more as he remained seated exactly where he was; frozen, unable to move. Yuuya didn't seem to have that problem as fingers curled around Shuu's face, rubbing the tips against the doctor's lips to pry open his mouth. His other palm began to openly stroke Shuu slowly, using his nails to do so, sliding them along that oh so sensitive length of flesh.

Shuu’s uneven breath against Yuuya’s neck was his only answer, eyes hazy and unfocused as he looked down, watching those skilled hands release him, touch him, tug him free from the confinements of his clothing. Violet met gold briefly before Shuu let his head fall back against a strong shoulder, blue locks tickling at his ear. He swallowed hard as his breathing increased, tears still gently falling from his tired eyes from time to time, simply from exhaustion or irrationality. He could feel the gentle shake starting, somewhere along his knees, more prominent on his right side.

Familiar fingers against his lips. Shuu obediently opened his mouth wide enough for two fingers to slip in, a soft moan escaping between them. His hips arched back instinctively upon feeling Yuuya’s nails along his front, eyes drifting closed as he lapped around the digits, tongue curling around each before sucking lightly. 

"You know what comes next... I told you to stay away from him and  _you didn't listen_."

_'Isa, this is what happens when you don’t listen. You know what comes next, be a good boy for me now.'_

No... This wasn't what Kazuaki wanted  _at all_. Yuuya was supposed to  _kill him_ , not--

"Sakazaki--" Kazuaki began to speak, standing up as he lapsed into something more sane. Yuuya turned his face, glaring dangerously back at him from behind gold-rimmed glasses. The teacher didn't flinch, however, returning his own sinister look to match Yuuya's threatening glower.

Drowning. Slowly drowning in locked away memories, Yuuya’s words were sharp and painful but his hands so soothing, so knowing - playing Shuu as if he had been doing this all along, as if he knew every weakness, every button to push. Why hadn’t they done this before? Why didn’t Yuuya...ah, that's right.

_'You can’t let anyone else have control. They’ll hurt you. They’ll leave.'_

Yuuya didn't back down from Kazuaki, despite the caution he felt he needed to take with the way Kazuaki towered over both of them, "If you're going to get in my way  _again_ , then make yourself useful. In the second to top drawer to the right. Bring one to me. Don't you  _dare_ try to help him... He knew what I would do. I've warned him time and time again."

More talking…diluted voices ringing through the space between them - lost to Shuu, his mind and body only reacting Yuuya’s words meant just for him.

Yuuya jerked Shuu's cock once, trying to force a sound out of him as two fingers remained delved deeply within the doctor's mouth; pushing down on a tongue that continued to salivate around the digits. A sharp tug had Shuu whimpering, sound muffled by those sinful fingers shoved deep in his mouth. He pushed against Yuuya again, sucking harder now, desperately clinging at the seams of his consciousness. Too much. Not enough. Yuuya’s scent was overwhelming and too familiar - the doctor’s nose so close to that perfect pale neck. It was infuriating, not being able to move even a bit. Sakazaki had always been stronger than Shuu, especially with his right side damaged as it was. Now however, it was almost laughable - Shuu let his weight fall against the other, hips moving just slightly against particularly rough pulls to his cock. Yuuya was completely in control, and even against his better judgement, the doctor was unable to deny that he loved every second of it.

Kazuaki looked away, inhaling sharply as he faced the desk. His steps stumbled as he reached out for one drawer - to the left - but found nothing but pens and a few memo pads; a journal? The right side, yes. That's what Yuuya said. Kazuaki laughed a bit to himself, raising a palm up to hold his face again.

Right, right.

Right.

He pulled open the first drawer; nothing. The one beneath it, however, seemed to be exactly what Yuuya had requested. There wasn't much inside, only a small box of wrapped condoms, some empty syringes, a few packaged scalpels, another set of wrapped scissors, a small jar of what appeared to be lube upon closer inspection and...a cleaver? Kazuaki reached for the blade, eyeing it front and back with obvious intrigue. Why would...Shuu keep a cleaver here? Yuuya thrusted up against Shuu, forcing the doctor into the desk to make the furniture move and capture Kazuaki's attention. The teacher looked back at him before glancing back down into the drawer, setting the cleaver down for now to reach for a condom and threw it at the pair of them haphazardly before returning to his seat in the chair.

_'You look so beautiful with tears in your eyes, Isa. Will you only cry for me?'_

The front of Shuu’s thighs hit the desk, the press of the hard wood against his defeated body seeming more unpleasant and loud that it truly was. He let out a pained cry between Yuuya’s probing fingers, a lone tear dripping face down his face, although not all the hurt was related to the moment.

Yuuya took a half a step back, glancing at the wrapped condom, then to Kazuaki. He pulled Shuu back against him once more, then turned him to face the blonde, who was still completely fascinated with the cleaver. The blonde's attention was immediately drawn back to both Shuu and Yuuya when the doctor was thrown down into his lap; the brunette's back to his face. Shuu could feel his body being shifted around, rough hands turning him and forcing his feet to move. His mind however took a few more seconds to translate all this, eyes not cracking open until he realized he was sitting down somehow, pants tangled down at his ankles, underwear still wrapped around messily at his hips. Slowly his mind cleared, realizing Kazuaki was underneath him in his very own office chair close to the desk, Yuuya standing in front of them both. The doctor tilted his head to the side, catching the sight of disheveled golden locks, Kazuaki's lap warm and inviting against his tired form. Aching fingers stretched from their restrained position, brushing against the front of his cream scarf. Soft, warm. Shuu’s fingers trembled with need, watching to touch something, anything. 

“Ah…Kazuaki…”

"I'm here."

"Tch..."

Yuuya reached up, now his turn to grab hold of Shuu's hair, and begin pulling the doctor forward; down to the front of his hips while his other hand began unbuckling his belt and school slacks. Kazuaki's eyes flew open and immediately he raised his palms, grasping hold of Shuu's sides to keep the doctor from sliding off of his lap and onto the floor. 

Shuu’s attention was quickly adjusted, rough fingers tugging at his hair again, hard and demanding now, so different from Nanaki’s gentle caress before. Violet eyes looked up, meeting Yuuya’s briefly, unable to find any one emotion to express, no silent understanding or hidden agreement, no playfulness or seduction his assistant usually displayed. No. Just quiet and demanding, serious in his movements. Shuu’s eyes lowered, the impact of how Yuuya silently regarded him ringing deep within his mind. His head followed the tug obediently, realizing quickly what Yuuya was planning, watching, entranced by the nimble fingers pulling the belt away. Gentle hands at his sides were comforting somehow as the doctor struggled to lean forward, only the top half of his shoes reaching the floor.

"I'm not hard enough yet," Yuuya murmured, slipping his own palm inside of his pants. "So instead of running your mouth with some fabricated diagnosis no one wants to hear, make it useful for once."

_'On your knees, that's it, yes, under the desk. Make me want it, Isa - use your mouth like I taught you.'_

Kazuaki rolled his eyes back up to meet with Yuuya's; an unfamiliar glare in them. There were still those tears clinging to long lashes and none of this seemed like anything that Yuuya would _ever_  say. Then again, nothing Kazuaki had spoken earlier was anything that  _he_ would have been known to say either. The difference was that... Everything Yuuya said seemed to be practiced; recited from memory, as one would have learned from hearing the same recording again and again. But nothing about Yuuya's gaze seemed deranged, it was obvious that he was still in full control of himself.

" _Hurry up_."

The doctor could feel his heart hammering in his own chest, a sharp inhale cut short before he ground his hips against Kazuaki, a pained moan slipping through tired lips.

"Nnm..."

W-What was this? Kazuaki could feel the slow rotation of Shuu's narrow hips, the way the doctor eased himself back into his lap. A furious shade of scarlet reached his bewildered expression, his long fingers curling around Shuu's heaving sides more firmly. From where he sat, Kazuaki's wide, golden eyes could only watch as the doctor's head lowered beneath Yuuya's palm; the assistant's censored by Shuu's face and hair. An eager buck helped fit himself right into the depths of the offered mouth before him as Yuuya released a deep sigh, his eyes falling to the sight beneath himself. Kazuaki pulled Shuu's hips closer to his own, securing the doctor in place so that the brunette could lean the top half of his weight farther out toward Yuuya, before removing one hand from the doctor's side to lower and settle his fingers in-between Shuu's own.

"I'm still--" A groan passed his lips as the warm lap against his own gyrated against him a second time, "--here..."

Warm. He was so warm. Shuu couldn’t help but relax in Kazuaki’s embrace, eagerly pushing himself back into his lap whenever the teacher decided to buck against him. His cold body began to lose tension as let Kazuaki hold his weight, uncaring if he slipped to the floor. And Yuuya in front of him - the heat from his lap so close to the doctor’s head; he couldn’t deny it - Shuu was perfectly fine staying between them both like this. Useful. That’s all his mind could process at the moment -  _he'd be tossed away unless he was useful to them._

It was almost uncomfortable - simply because it felt so  _foreign_. So... _unfamiliar_. But Kazuaki knew this. He had known this once before. Perhaps not quite  _this_ way but...he wasn't a total stranger to it all. His fingers intertwined more with Shuu's, squeezing around the doctor's palm as his other hand crept around to the front of his company's chest; wrapping right around him as he bowed over the back of the doctor to hug him close to his chest. The blonde's face nodded forward, resting his forehead against Shuu's uninjured right shoulder as he crooned low again, feeling the way the brunette's spine arched beneath him to help grind his hips farther into his own. His lower stomach twitched, a shifting at the front of his slacks that made Kazuaki feel awkward and confused.

Warm fingers coming to rest within his own, squeezing in some disorienting assurance, triggering Shuu’s mind to react to positive feedback, to lean into that comfortable body while his mouth worked against Yuuya, wanting nothing more than to please them both somehow. 

Shuu shoved himself forward before Yuuya’s hand could force him down, mouth stretching open as he greedily licked, tongue lapping from the base all the way to the tip. Kazuaki listened to the way Yuuya moaned soft and low at the way Shuu's tongue danced around his cock, luring it into arousal almost hungrily. Shuu paused there, wrapping those shameful lips around Yuuya, tongue flicking out across the head before pushing down just slightly, engulfing it all and sucking hard, violet eyes finally shutting as the last remains of tears clung to eyelashes. Shuu struggled against his binds, wanting nothing more than to reach out, let his disgraceful fingers creep along well known hips, but he couldn’t. Trapped somewhere between bliss and torture, the lines of both blurred as he sunk lower, trying to get as much of Yuuya down his throat as possible. 

It was much more difficult than he remembered - he was horribly out of practice, choking himself at the base of Yuuya’s cock but refusing to stop as his head bobbed slowly up and down, brown locks falling around his face and obstructing the view to either side of him. His own erection strained, left untouched now and partially hidden against his boxers. 

_'You don’t deserve even this.'_

Shuu shoved against Kazuaki’s lap once more, desperate to feel something, anything - he needed more contact, more warmth, more  _something._  

The doctor released Yuuya from his mouth, sucking again at the tip to collect the precum there, hungrily swallowing before he paused, panting, a thin line of saliva dribbling down to his chin. 

_'More. It's not enough. It won’t be enough, like this.'_

"That actually...feels pretty nice," Yuuya breathed out, smirking to himself as he stared down at the face not daring to look up at him once Shuu pulled away. 

' _Good boy. If you just take it like this, it'll be easier on you._ '

Yuuya's fingers never loosened their grip within thick strands of silken hair, but he gave the other a moment to breathe, "Who knew you had it in you, Dr. Iwamine?"

_'Of course. You belong to…him, still - after all. No matter what.'_

Taking half a step forward, Yuuya reached down to grasp hold of his own length. Still covered in Shuu's saliva, he gave himself a testing stroke or two before guiding the tip of his flourishing cockhead back to the edge of Shuu's lips. He twitched in an anticipation; Shuu could feel it against his cheek. 

"Done already? Come on, now... You never let  _me_ rest..."

_'Come on now, Isa. I know you can do better than that. We aren’t done yet.'_

The doctor’s breath came uneven, face tilting to the side to speak, arms tugging weakly against his restraints. He couldn’t look up at Yuuya.

“I…I’m sorry... I can do it better, I promise...just…”

"You're so cold..." Kazuaki whispered as he lifted his face, turning his other cheek to press up against Shuu's shoulder as his eyes fell closed; he pulled the brunette closer to the expanse of his broad chest. A timid roll of his hips met with Shuu's. "Why are you so cold?"

Fingers at his mouth again, prying at his lips. Shuu opened his mouth obediently, tongue flicking against finger tips.

"He just bled onto the floor, of course his temperature would have dropped..." Yuuya frowned, releasing hold of himself as he reached down beneath Shuu's face to grasp hold of a narrow chin. He tried to split the doctor's mouth back open again, uncaring if saliva and pre dripped down into the palm of his hand. "Just keep him there while I--"

"Is he hurting you?" A low hum sounded as Kazuaki nuzzled into Shuu's right shoulder. "I can hurt him for you, you know... I saw  _the cleaver_... I can ruin  _his_ fun since  _he_ ruined  _mine_."

Shuu struggled again, panicked and pulling desperately at his binds, ignoring the sharp stab radiating from his shoulder. His face twisted to the side, attempting to see Kazuaki but unable.

“N-No... Don’t touch him. I have to. I  _owe him._  I have to pay. I..."

Yuuya grunted low as he forced himself back into the doctor's mouth, releasing a pleased sigh once he felt the warmth of a small mouth envelope him once again. His own hips rolled forward once or twice, fitting himself all the way in before both hands came to grasp hold of either side to Shuu's face. He held the brunette's head in place as he spread his feet apart a fraction further, balancing his weight as he tried to find a rhythm in which Shuu could help assist in keeping up. Damn, that wicked tongue... Yuuya visibly shuddered as he felt the muscle glide along his swelling member, the way it licked at the shaft and traced curses against his length with the tip of his tongue. He had to be careful, of course... This was a trap all on its own. If he gave in to the pleasure of this then he wouldn't be able to enjoy what it was that he  _really_ wanted.

The doctor’s head was forced back roughly to face Yuuya’s lap. He struggled forward, shoes against the smooth tiled floor barely helping as he leaned down eagerly, pushing his mouth as far as he could manage. That ill-remembered threat, that panic that he wasn’t doing it right, wasn’t pleasing  _him_  - that feeling encompassed Shuu’s mind, pulling and tugging, warning him. It was the absolute worse feeling, even more so than the pain dragging through his body. If he didn’t make him happy, if he didn’t bring him the pleasure needed, Shuu would be useless.

_Useless._

Yes. Fingers in his hair, holding him in place. His own cold fingers twitched against his back, curling into fists as Shuu tried his best to hold still, to be good for Yuuya, to take him all. His lips felt swollen as Yuuya slid in and out at his own pace, the doctors tongue pushing against the back of his thick cock through each thrust. Shuu knew every part of Yuuya’s body, every firm muscle, every gentle curve, and of course every detail of what currently was being shoved down his throat. Even though they had never been together like this, the doctor still knew where to apply pressure, how to rip an orgasm out of his assistant, on the rare occasion that he wished to watch it. He felt his assistant’s shiver - he wanted more, needed to give more. It wasn’t enough. 

"Ahh--"

Kazuaki hips jerked suddenly. His abs flexed, hugging Shuu's hips to his own as both hands dropped down to rest at the doctor's sides. His fingers found prominent hipbones; Shuu was actually very lithe. He weighed next to nothing but to be able to feel just how thin he was beneath his clothes was something else. A pained moan slipped out between the assault on Shuu's mouth, feeling Kazuaki underneath him rise up, warm fingers tracing along the doctor's hips. He ground down as much as he could while still being held in place from Yuuya’s tight grip, instinctively shoving back into that warm lap below him. 

Kazuaki held him in place as he remained bowed over him, a more conspicuous contour at the front of his pants filling the space where their laps met. He rolled into Shuu's backside, forming friction between them and the clothes they still wore, which didn't help matters for Kazuaki. The teacher exhaled shakily as he pushed himself up to sit, glazed eyes looking around him almost drowsily.

' _Kill him. Kill him, kill him... It's right there, it's right there._ '

The cleaver was  _right there_. Yuuya hissed as he felt Shuu's face pull away from him, but he tugged him back into place as his fingers curled into the hair behind the doctor's ears.

"No... This is ok..." Kazuaki sighed, reclining in the office chair as he reached behind him; fingers tugging at the front of the desk drawer to pull it back open. "This is ok, right? I was going to kill him... But maybe this is ok, too... For now..."

Yuuya's eyes flicked up, catching the teacher's movements.

' _Take it, take it_.'

The blonde hummed to himself as he felt the cold blade of the cleaver touch his skin, taking a moment or two to feel it out. It didn't call to him; not as badly as the voice in his head did. Was  _he_ angry at him? Kazuaki was tired now... There were too many things colliding within his own mind that his body seemed to now just move on its own. There was a flush to his skin and he twitched beneath Shuu's hips again, his own bucking up to grind firmly into the doctor once or twice. Yuuya began to pant as he thrusted slowly into Shuu's mouth - forcing the doctor's nose to press into a soft patch of fine, light blue hair, obstructing his breathing. Kazuaki groaned low, breathing back out past his nose as he pulled out the jar of lubricant, as well as a packaged scalpel.

Shuu looked so  _uncomfortable_ tied up like that...

"Wh-What are you doing?" Yuuya questioned, narrowing his eyes dangerously as he watched the way Kazuaki held the jar in one hand while pulling the wrapper off of the scalpel with the other; teeth biting down onto the plastic.

' _...Shit_.'

Shuu could hear them again - Yuuya and Kazuaki’s voices low and calm, talking about something….something Shuu’s mind just wouldn’t translate as he remained between them, his own need starting to crawl up into his consciousness, begging to touched. A firm thrust brought his mind back to focus, his nose shoved against Yuuya, throat swallowing angrily in reflex as he struggled not to gag. 

"Nothing," the blonde answered simply before holding the blade by its handle sideways within his mouth as his gold eyes lowered to the container. He twisted off the cap and threw it into oblivion, listening as the tin top struck the tile floor some distance away. Setting the jar back down onto the desk, Kazuaki's eyes shifted focus down to Shuu's backside. He turned his face away, raising a hand to reclaim the scalpel as he flicked his wrist to the side. "I need him to stand up."

Shuu's ears caught the sound of metal hitting the floor - not anything heavy sounding, something empty and small.

_'Ah… What…'_

"..." Yuuya eyed the jar and then the way Kazuaki waved the blade, trying to make as clear of a decision as he could in his current state. Between his earlier injuries, the nosebleed, and now  _this_ , there wasn't exactly a whole lot of blood left in his head to help with something such as critical thinking. Kazuaki placed the handle of the scalpel back between his lips then raised an eyebrow up at him before hearing Shuu make a sound, lowering his gaze as he reached out to grasp hold of a narrow shoulder and pull the brunette back forcefully; Yuuya gasped when the doctor's mouth popped right off of him, stumbling back that step or two to collide with the edge of the desk.

Shuu felt his body suddenly forced up and away, mouth disconnecting from Yuuya as he was set on top of Kazuaki’s lap properly. Shuu struggled for a moment, frowning as his upper body pushed away from the teacher, pulling to get back to Yuuya, to put his mouth to proper use, glasses sliding down just a bit across his nose.

“…N… No. Yuuya…”

His back fell against Kazuaki’s chest in defeat, breathing sputtering out rough and uncontrolled and he pushed back, head resting against a firm shoulder for a brief moment, violet eyes sliding shut in surrender. 

Yuuya panted as he raised an arm, sweeping it cross his nose and mouth before pushing his own glasses up the bridge of his nose. Kazuaki looked oh so pleased with himself as he eased Shuu back into his lap, cuddling the brunette to his chest, before he turned both of them and the chair to face the desk next to Yuuya. Unfortunately for Shuu, the doctor wouldn't have much time to rest; Kazuaki was already pushing the brunette to lean over the desk once again, keeping a hand on his back to hold him steady. Although, at least now, Shuu wouldn't feel the drain of having to balance himself with the fear of falling. Kazuaki was right behind him in case he fell backward, offering a comforting rub of his palm in the small of his back beneath the stark white lab coat, khaki vest, and purple button-up.

Shuu groaned in protest, feeling his body shoved up once again to push against his desk, chest and face landing against scattered, ruined paperwork, previous blood splatterings in various stages of drying. For now his legs held his weight partially, feeling Kazuaki’s knees up against the backs of his own. The doctor twisted his face to the side, eyes catching the sliver of light coming from outside. The clouds looked no different, offering nothing but grey and a threat of rain.

Long fingers hooked around Shuu's boxer-briefs to finally tug the offending article of clothing down mostly - if not all the way - down. Yuuya watched for only a moment as Kazuaki went about with the beginnings of his ministrations, deciding now was as good a time as any to suit up. Glancing behind him, one palm reached for the condom that had been thrown at him previously before ripping open the foil. He paid no mind to the teacher now who drew himself and the chair up closer behind Shuu. 

Violet eyes widened, feeling fingers tugging along the fabric still twisted around his hips, slowly pulling until they released to meet down around his ankles. The echo of the lid against the tile moments ago came to his mind as Shuu slowly realized what had been found in his desk drawer. 

Kazuaki reached for the opened jar, dipping two fingers inside to collect the slick substance - experimentally rubbing the tips of his fingers against his thumb before lowering his palm.

He couldn't speak with the scalpel in his mouth, so he only hummed sweetly; Shuu soon feeling a pressure in the crease of his backside, two offending digits pressing against him.

A small whimper escaped Shuu's tired lips, hips pushing back as he felt fingers against him, the sound of happy humming floating in the air.

_'Isa, you have to bend further. That's it….good boy.'_

_'Don’t complain like that, this isn’t all about you, remember this lesson. Perhaps if you begged, maybe you’d get something...'_

"Mm..." came a pleased noise.

Yuuya barely heard Kazuaki's praise as he fumbled with the condom, pulling it from its foil with trembling hands. Kazuaki's fingertips still massaged at an eager entrance; he eyed the way the brunette's spine arched, lifting his rear up in offering and anticipation.

A gentle shake started to spread across Shuu’s hands, arms straining and sore as he shook, his chest heaving against the desk below him. His eyes slid shut, feeling the familiar threat of tears again. His back arched instinctively, body begging to be touched by someone, anyone.

_'Please…'_

The tears that fell from behind lopsided, red-framed glasses were now a sight both Kazuaki and Yuuya were accustomed to, paying Shuu no mind regarding that - but they bought had to pause in their separate prep-work the moment quivering lips began to speak.

“…Please. I…I’ll do anything. Just…please….ahh, I…can’t…I…mmmn…I need it.”

Gold; aquamarine.

Both colors lifted in surprise and awe to Shuu's face as the doctor  _begged_ , becoming desperate enough to be willing to do  _anything_.

Pitiful. It really was - the doctor in such a state. He knew it himself even; a last resort, hasty words spilling out of his mouth, things he would never say, things that were so hard to get out even with  _him_. But here he was, utterly and completely gone, unable to control the overflow of emotions and intense need to be touched. He knew if he saw himself like this, as he normally was, he would scoff. He wasn’t like that, not anymore, and not meant to be that way ever again.  _Isa Souma._ He was supposed to no longer exist. And yet…

Kazuaki's fingers had stilled where they were as he tried to process what it was that had just been spoken, yet was the first to make a move once the shock wore off. Shuu didn't have to beg a second time. Two intrusive fingers, slathered with lubrication, penetrated with little to no warning.

The teacher sighed to himself, other hand remaining on Shuu's lower back beneath the layers of his clothes, while he turned his gaze back down to his own work. He pushed forward, past that initial ring of tight muscles until it came to his first knuckle. He was oddly silent; easing his hand back just a fraction to be able to part his fingers in order to begin stretching Shuu.

Those torturous fingers started to move again, shoving further and further, exactly what he wanted so badly.

“Mmn… Hahhh…heh…hehehe…”

_Finally._

The music from the small radio was all that filled the air of the infirmary now, aside from any soft noises Shuu might have made out of instinct to what was happening.

Beside them both, Yuuya was still staring; watching as the doctor gasped and writhed beneath Kazuaki's touch. From this angle it was easy to see the way Shuu's own arousal hung down from between his legs, everything about him exposed since Kazuaki had pushed those offensive mauve-colored boxer briefs down. Yuuya wouldn't be able to enjoy the sight for long, though; soon a large, slender hand was moving around Shuu's narrow hips to grasp hold of the doctor and offer him a slow yet firm pump or two as he scissored his fingers from behind him once more.

"Hm, hm~..." Kazuaki hummed as he withdrew his fingers, just enough to give Shuu some relief of the pressure, before thrusting them forward; now knuckle-deep. He hadn't expected this kind of reaction at all...

How interesting.


	4. This Shit's Gone Way Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hurt inside is fading  
> This shit's gone way too far  
> All this time I've been waiting  
> No I can not grieve anymore  
> For once inside awaking  
> I'm done, I'm not a whore  
> You've taken everything and, oh, I cannot give anymore

Soft laughter spilled out between quiet moans, not panicked or in happiness - just in relief. Shuu could feel hot tears running down once again to damaged paperwork below, but was unable connect any one emotion to the fact that he was crying. It didn’t matter to Shuu anymore - all that mattered was those skilled fingers sliding in an out of him, such familiar feeling yet long forgotten. Even with Yuuya…the doctor never did anything to himself. It was only ever with  _him_. Shuu’s eyes slid closed, content that Kazuaki would continue to work him as he pushed back eagerly, wanting more and faster.

It was easier this way, to break how he wanted, to break apart like Shuu knew how to so long ago.

Was Kazuaki only going to  _toy_ with him? Yuuya breathed out heavily past his nose as he turned away, looking down at himself as he finally situated the condom completely. Laughter left the doctor’s lips, replaced quickly with a deep moan the moment he felt Kazuaki’s hand around his cock. Slender hips rocked forward as he craved more friction - it was almost too much to handle, considering how long it had been since they had all started. Even still, it wasn’t enough; Kazuaki was being gentle while Shuu needed him to drag his palm along faster, tighter. He struggled, arms pulling weakly at his bindings. It was so difficult like this, mentally and physically, having zero control - a frame of mind Shuu had not visited in some time.

Yuuya shivered as he listened to the teacher continue to hum, a sweet song falling from wicked lips as Shuu was stretched.

The anger was still there. Yuuya had never felt it leave, even during those brief moments of inner conflict. Staring back down at Shuu now, at the way his face was so flushed and tear-stained, at the way he arched up into Kazuaki's hand or thrusted down into his palm, the way he  _begged_ \- none of this was Shuu Iwamine. This wasn't the doctor  _he_ knew. This wasn't the soul who threatened him on a regular basis, who straddled and cut into him like the willing subject he was. The look in Shuu's eyes now wasn't familiar and yet it was. The violet gaze half-hidden behind partially closed lids were broken and nothing at all like the calm, reserved confidence the doctor typically had. Shuu was terrifying in the fact that - no matter if he did or didn't do anything, he was still able to achieve everything that he wished. He was able to strike fear into anyone without so much as raising a hand.

And yet here he was; bleeding, broken, begging for some relief. For death? For sexual satisfaction?

It was one thing to beat a man who was capable of defending himself... But this was something else entirely. It was obvious that Kazuaki didn't care. The blonde only continued with his soft ramblings, practically fingerfucking the doctor at this point. He had held Shuu's hand, whispered sweetly to him, but in the end, the affections and the comforts that Kazuaki offered were just as illusory as his typical smile the students knew so well, the smile students believed to be true - something warm and soothing.

“...Kazuaki, please…I…ahhh, hhhnn…”

Shuu’s body locked up, purposely pausing all movement, controlling any slight shaking that had casually run along his limbs. He felt those talented fingers push forward once again, this time much further. He let his breath go, unaware he had been holding it as his eyes slid open, focusing on nothing particular atop his disheveled desk. It wasn’t enough. Shuu shoved his hips back to Kazuaki, wanting him to push forward more, to go faster, anything more than this maddening pace. He was aware of his own voice muffled against the desk, needy moans escaping whenever the teacher hit far enough to evoke a response. Those fingers he had praised moments ago were now torture, neither hand touching as fast or hard enough and Shuu could do nothing other than release desperate cries and shake against him.

“…P-...Please. Kazuaki, please… It's not enough, please…”

 _Vulnerable._  This was why the doctor didn’t partake in such things any longer; it was simply too dangerous to hand yourself over to someone else like this. And it had been too long… Shuu had cut himself off from all of that, locked away any emotions related to it, and started all over again, cold and uninviting. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment of how or when he had been dragged back down, forced to face himself as he used to be. They were dangerous, Yuuya and Kazuaki. And yet, all Shuu could bring himself to do now was exist exactly as he had forgotten. He was open, pleading, begging to be used - why wouldn’t they let him? Was this his punishment? To be kicked down so far into emotional trauma and then leave him there, exposed and alone? 

_'Why? It’s not enough.'_

“Please… I can’t take it. I can’t. I’m sorry… Please.”

Yuuya felt his chest tighten up as he rolled his eyes back down to the thin face still gasping for air, loose locks of hair framing around Shuu's flushed expression. He grit his teeth from behind tightly closed lips, one hand grasping hold of the desk tightly to stop the tremble still rolling down his frame. It wasn't... It wasn't supposed to  _feel_ this way. Why did he even feel an ounce of mercy? Of concern? For someone who never cared about anyone or anything, so long as he was able to work freely. 

He was still angry. Thinking back to how Sakuya may have felt, how Shuu felt  _now_... But...

No... No, no. It wasn't meant to be like this. How had it all spiraled this far out of control? Shuu was supposed to be  _indestructible._ The doctor had lived this long and had gotten this far... Kazuaki's descent into madness seemed to have finally dragged Shuu down with him.

And now, he was suffering because of it; like a fish gasping for breath on land, slowly dying as his body and mind began to shut down to cope with the pain and trauma.

"Hm... I suppose we are done now," Kazuaki spoke, withdrawing his hand from Shuu's cock to pull the scalpel from his mouth. The teacher began to stand up from the chair, reaching out to take hold of Shuu's arms, "I wonder how badly your shoulder hurts? Ah. I think that might be a silly question for me to ask."

Shuu felt Kazuaki withdraw his hands, any words he had said to the doctor falling on deaf ears. He was shaking, waves of panic rolling through his system as he concluded both of them were just going to leave him now, stuck tied and bent over his own desk. He couldn’t look at either of them, eyes staring empty at nothing in particular, attempting to deal with the jumble of confusing emotions running through his head.

The scalpel came down; Yuuya was almost too quick to move, jerking forward to face them both as he reached out for Kazuaki's arm to stop him. The teacher turned his face, looking back at the youth with surprise written all across his expression. Whatever was he rushing to stop him for?

Kazuaki only smiled as he lowered the blade again, but instead of stabbing Shuu or cutting into some portion of exposed flesh he...merely cut his bindings. 

The familiar sound of a sharp edge cutting through fabric reached Shuu's ears, but none of it made sense to him until his arms dropped free to the desk, fingers curling and uncurling as whatever blood he had left rushed to parts that had grown cold and sore from lack of movement.

_'Ah. Maybe Kazuaki has finally decided to end it all.'_

The doctor made no attempt to shift, still trying to wrap his mind around just why it had happened. His right side seemed responsive enough, although slightly concerning that he couldn’t feel those responses in his fingertips. His left was functioning perfectly, overly obvious by the dull throb running from his shoulder all the way down. Still, he was too weak psychically and emotionally to move from his resting spot.

Yuuya inhaled again, jerking his palm away from Kazuaki's arm, turning his face away with a fresh sting of tears reaching his eyes again.

Yuuya's own morals came into question any time he assisted Shuu in any of his work, but this was...almost too far. There was no void of emotion within Yuuya. While, as an agent for the Dove Party, he had learned to shut them down long enough to complete a mission successfully but... After what had happened, when it had only been the two of them in bed, from the weeks and months of the school year, Yuuya was not ashamed of himself for finally breaking down. But this was too much. To see Shuu in the state that he was currently in? But why? Why did it bother him  _so much_...?

Why, after Kazuaki tried to take him, tried to  _kill_ him, was Yuuya  _so quick_ to act? For as much as he loathed and despised Shuu for all he had done, for all he had said, for breaking his promise... Yuuya supposed that all of this time of actually being with Shuu had given him a bit of a soft spot. A weakness. A part of him laughed bitterly to himself; Shuu would just berate him for even having that weakness. This was what made Shuu so  _strong_. The fact that he appeared to have no weaknesses due to being so emotionally unattached and void.

Yet, Yuuya had learned that Shuu was just as normal as the rest of them. While he didn't particularly have any favorites of anything - since it was trivial - he did favor some things more than others. Shuu didn't care for surprises or gifts from anyone. It never made sense to him how Shuu accepted coffee from Kazuaki time and again because of it. Shuu spoke of fireworks and things he liked in the present, but never anything of the past. It was rare that they ever even really had a conversation outside of any work related to the infirmary or an experiment Shuu requested Yuuya's help with. Yuuya supposed that the beginning of it all began when he first noticed how Shuu's right side ached when the weather changed; when it was gloomy like this morning or when it rained especially hard.

That was how it all began to unravel. The wall Yuuya had between them to protect himself had began to crumble. Underneath it all, agent or not, Yuuya genuinely cared for others. His life was based around protecting others, no matter what it took; his love for Sakuya was a clear example of that, knowing no bounds. 

But it surprised him. The way he pushed Kazuaki out of his way, the way he reached down to collect Shuu into his arms.

Shuu didn’t fight it, feeling arms wrap around him and tug, expecting Kazuaki to gather him in some fashion before aiming for his neck once again. Instead he was greeted with Yuuya, those same pretty arms Shuu had drawn bloodied lines against holding him almost painfully to his chest. Violet eyes widened in confusion, unsure how to react to something so intimate, something so different to how his body was being handled just moments ago.

“…Yuuya? What are…”

Yuuya could hear his own heart beating as his eyes stung with tears again; hot and furious, angry with himself, angry with Shuu. What he had helped subject Shuu to - repeating his own step-father's words used against him, handling him the way he had been touched - was something he would have never wished upon anyone. Fighting fire with fire wasn't the way to go about anything, even in the heat of the moment. And yet he had done it. He had as much of a hand in Shuu's mental destruction as Kazuaki did, although he would  _never_ know Shuu's own inner reasons or memories for why it tore him apart the way it did. Abuse was abuse, that was all Yuuya knew, whether or not Shuu had any past trauma.

Yuuya quickly turned Shuu around once he had him, pressing the brunette's back into the edge of the desk, as his arms wound around the doctor firmly. He hugged the other to his chest almost protectively, one hand rising up to grasp hold of Shuu's face; lips parting to slant hard against the doctor's as his eyes drifted closed.

The doctor froze completely, lips forced against his own, watching Yuuya close his eyes and handle Shuu with care; desperate hands across his body.

_'No. No, don’t…'_

Shuu slid shaking hands up between them, trying to push Yuuya away from him, eyes frantic and scared now. It was impossible - he was too weak, too tired, too overwhelmed - it probably only felt like a lover's tug to his assistant, frantic and uncontrolled. Violet eyes slid shut tight, Shuu’s heartbeat pounding against his chest as he felt a hot tongue against him, prying and delving into his mouth. He could do nothing against the onslaught - his body refused to listen to him, bending easily to Yuuya’s want. More tears, a pained moan slipped out as he felt Yuuya’s length press against his own. It was too much, too quick, more than Shuu could handle. 

Kazuaki was  _stunned_ at the spectacle, his eyes flying wide open as he took a step or two to the side as Yuuya continued to frantically move. Shuu was lifted up several inches, enough to seat him onto the edge of the desk as Yuuya held their kiss. His tongue sought the other's mouth, shoving itself forward as Shuu's own control waned. He breathed heavily past his nose, a tear or two dripping down one cheek as he pulled Shuu's hips close to his own, letting him feel his  _own_ need now even more prominent press against the doctor's. As he tried to bring the brunette's legs up, he found they were obstructed by the other's pants bundled around at his ankles. 

Those lips, always tilted up in a smile.

Gentle tugs at his lab coat when he would walk by Isa's desk.

Fingers underneath his chin, tilting his face to reach. Alone, he would trace along Isa’s chin, fingers brushing against fine brunette locks, against his neck, further and further. For all that Shuu could remember with him, all of the depraved things they partook in - these moment hurt the most, the memory of Ryuuji’s smiling lips against his own shook Shuu to the core. 

_'Please. I can’t do this. Yuuya…'_

He never let anyone else ever get that close again - it was the last time someone had graced against Shuu’s lips, the last time anyone had ever touched him like Kazuaki just had. There was no way his assistant could possibly know - Shuu had never told him, never told anyone about what had happened. He knew deep down that Yuuya wasn’t doing this to hurt him, but still it burned. Memories he never wanted back; it hurt far more than any injury Shuu had taken today. 

_'Why? Yuuya… Why?'_

The infirmary assistant breathed heavily as he tore his lips away, leaning down just enough to reach for the back of Shuu's foot. He was not at all graceful in the way he pulled a sleek black oxford shoe off, then the other, before tugging the rest of Shuu's pants off and to the floor with trembling hands. Shuu watched blankly as Yuuya tugged of his shoes and pants, mind numb and racing at the same time. He couldn’t make them stop. 

_'It won’t stop.'_

With the doctor's legs now free, Yuuya slid right back into the spot he had been previous; catching Shuu's face into one shaking hand once more, drawing their faces back in as he crashed their mouths together. Some unspoken word was mouthed against Shuu's own, though what it possibly could have been was foreign even to Yuuya himself.

That warm mouth again, demanding and comforting at the same time, pushing against his own frantically. Shuu’s eyebrows knit together, just feeling Yuuya’s lips anywhere on his body sending painful jolts right to his mind, over and over. Shaking hands grabbed at Yuuya’s shirt collar, holding tight, afraid of what was happening, of what could happen for them to see him like this.

Kazuaki frowned from where he stood, watching the pair grind into one another from where Shuu sat and where Yuuya stood, before any other action was taken. Shuu was slowly laid back as Yuuya guided the doctor's hips just beyond the end of the desk, letting them drop off into mid-air and cradled by his assistant's more than capable hands. Slender fingers wrapped around his arousal, guiding the tip to a welcoming entrance Kazuaki had taken such great care in preparing. Golden eyes widened; was Yuuya  _really stealing him again_? He flinched as he heard Shuu vocalize his own pleasure when Yuuya suddenly thrusted forward, burying himself as deeply as he could with that initial move, as his assistant bent over him.

_'I’m sorry.'_

No sound came from him as Shuu whispered against Yuuya’s mouth, parting finally as he let his body be pushed back to the desk, legs shaking with a cruel combination of exhaustion and need. Brown locks pushed back against the desk as the doctor arched, taking Yuuya’s full length all at once, a pained whimper pushing past lips. 

He remembered. Remembered every touch, gentle or harsh, every word, encouraging or demanding. The want and need to be just like this, underneath someone, giving everything of himself to them - whatever was desired, no matter what. Shuu like this, was still Isa, still wanting to be adored, useful. Needed.

It was to protect him, it was to protect him... Yuuya wasn't being exactly  _gentle_ but he knew Kazuaki probably would have been worse. He drew one of Shuu's hands up to his own face, turning his head to nuzzle into a palm as his other hand remained grasping the back of Shuu's hips. He felt another hot tear drip down to catch in between Shuu's fingers, pressing another kiss into the doctor's palm as he moaned with another thrust.

Shuu watched Yuuya steal away one of his hands, his assistant's lips against his palm searing, burning memories back to the forefront of his mind, but the doctor did not pull away, not missing the sadness rolling against his fingertips.

_'Why? Don’t cry, Yuuya. I’m not worth your tears.'_

“…Yuuya…ah, haahh...”

' _No. Please. I hate you enough as it is..._ '

Frantic. Emotional. Unstable. Once the pair of them managed to find  _some_ sort of a rhythm, Yuuya leaned forward to dip his face in and nip at one side of the brunette's exposed chest as his free hand reached in between the two of them to grasp hold of Shuu's erection; beginning to pump him hard in time to his own movements, knocking into the desk time and again.

A harsh groan fell from Yuuya's lips as Shuu's spine arched from the desk, the brunette using his thighs to help in pulling himself down as his assistant thrusted up. Slamming a hand down onto the desk's top, Yuuya kept his other palm firmly wrapped around a throbbing length as his face buried itself into Shuu's neck. His breathing was heavy and quick, lips busying themselves with harsh bites or quick kisses. Shuu smelled like sweat and blood now, but beneath it all still lingered that smoldering, wood-burning scent. The incinerator was all that came to mind again as anger flared right back up, causing Yuuya's hips to rock roughly before a pleased moan would drag him back down into far more gentle drive.

It wasn't meant to be like this... But Yuuya couldn't help himself. It was too much. None of this was appropriate and Yuuya's arousal didn't make any sense to himself and yet...it still felt right, being with Shuu like this - trying to comfort him while doing anything he possibly could to help relieve him.

It had been so long - Shuu’s body shook against Yuuya, pleasure running up his spine as he let himself drown in the feeling of his assistant thrusting into him. He shoved himself back into each thrust, needing more, body screaming for so much more, he could take much more. Years and years of denying himself of this. Never again, never with anyone else. It wasn’t safe - don’t let others in. If you do… _that_  would happen again. 

Yuuya's mind was a blur; he couldn't exactly do anything fancy when it came to his handjob. He could only jerk Shuu's cock with frenzied movements of his palm, almost in time to his own gyrations.

It was beginning to  _hurt;_ it had been a  _long time_ since he had felt any sort of lust. No attention for  _himself_ made Kazuaki both ache and feel  _left out_.

Shuu had been stolen from him  _yet again_  by none other than the person he had tried to save earlier. Did Yuuya not get it? Did he not  _see_ Shuu for who he really was? Kazuaki was an intelligent man. He had read books, had read stories and theories. He knew all about something called 'Stockholm syndrome'. Honestly, for as long as Shuu and Yuuya had their little 'promise', Kazuaki would not have been surprised if what was happening now was a product of the abuse Yuuya had willingly allowed Shuu to bestow upon him. What had began only as payment for the safety of his brother had now become some bizarre bond between both the doctor and his assistant; there was no other explanation for the youth's behavior. 

Hating his abuser, yet protecting him. Abhorring both his violator and his lies, yet showing him undying loyalty.

Kazuaki's lips twitched downward.

How could Yuuya  _kiss_ him? He narrowed his golden eyes as he watched the way Yuuya took a mouthful of flesh into an open kiss, a moan humming against Shuu's neck.

But the same could be said for  _himself._ When Shuu had reached back for him, staring at him with those eyes so full of shock and confusion, why had  _Kazuaki_ kissed his knuckles? Why did the pair of them look back at one another so fondly, why did Shuu reach out for him? 

It wasn't out of love.

 _None of this was love_.

This wasn't Hitori and Isa standing in the infirmary. It wasn't Hitori who had stabbed Isa. It wasn't Hitori who had tried to kill Isa.

It was Kazuaki who had tried to kill Shuu. It was the sleepy teacher who spent most of his mornings in the doctor's company, whether in the infirmary or in the faculty lounge. Kazuaki didn't even  _drink coffee_ yet he brought it to Shuu almost every morning; if he woke up in time to do so. Now that he thought about it, the blonde couldn't even remember when he began that habit. It had started quite some time before Yuuya ever arrived at the school and made his pact with Shuu, so Kazuaki wasn't  _only_  bringing coffee in the mornings to catch the pair. He just happened to arrive one day and overheard them... And after that...

In a way, Kazuaki had more of a soft spot for Yuuya than he had for Shuu. He didn't care what it was Shuu was doing, but he did feel sympathetic for his assistant. He knew what it was like to want to protect someone, to want to give your whole self to them, to  _want to take all the pain away from them_. It was hard at first, to see both Yuuya and Shuu like this but... This was just Yuuya's own way of sacrificing himself, he supposed.

But to have heard Shuu  _lie_... For Shuu to have  _broken his promise_.

 _It wasn't fair_.

It hurt.

Even now… Shuu didn’t deserve this, not from anyone, especially from Yuuya. The doctor felt him against his chest, felt Yuuya’s slender fingers against his length, the sound of the desk protest under their rhythm, and still all Shuu could do was remember  _his_  thrusts,  _his_ teeth against Isa’s collarbone. Shuu wanted nothing more than to overwhelm himself with pleasing Yuuya, let his body be used over and over, give him all that he owed and then more, but his mind wouldn’t stop. Wouldn’t let him be here.

His arm shifted, fingers reaching, shaking, held out in Kazuaki’s direction as Shuu forced himself to look to the right, eyes half-lided and hazy beneath red frames, breathing harsh and ragged each time Yuuya thrust into him.

It wasn’t fair.

Violet met golden, a knowing grin crossing Shuu’s lips before Yuuya pushed it away, a forced moan escaping in its place.

Golden eyes flicked to the side as he caught an arm reaching out for him, fingers trembling hard. Kazuaki tilted his head to the side, observing the way Shuu held his palm out for him while the doctor's other hand had fallen to Yuuya's shoulder. The pair were still joined at the hip, their movements quick yet unstable. Yuuya remained bent over him, his face still buried in a slender neck as he breathed and kissed and bit at the flushed pale skin beneath his kiss-swollen lips.

 _A grin_ followed by a harsh moan as Yuuya thrusted deep.

“…Make…hnnn… Make them stop. Memories…ahhhhnn. They won’t. Stop. I don’t want...hahh, I don’t want to think anymore… Please.”

"Memories?" Kazuaki murmured, arching an eyebrow. "Ah... Yes. Memories. I've been thinking about them, too..."

Kazuaki's expression relaxed with a soft smile as he began to step forward, leaning down as one arm raised up, his golden eyes friendly. Long, slender fingers easily glided in between Shuu's own as the doctor remained holding his palm out toward him in need. Kazuaki swept his thumb over the back of the doctor's trembling hand, humming to himself.

Why was it that the most dangerous, most life threatening of the two, was also the most strangely comforting? Shuu was well aware by now of the differences in Kazuaki - something else was going on that he just did not have time enough to dive into. Even so, the doctor took a chance - he was far too desperate and everything that had happened between them led him to believe that Kazuaki could help, even for just a moment. Nothing particularly mattered in Shuu’s mind anymore other than getting rid of what he no longer wanted to think about - to be able to just lose himself finally. Death itself didn’t matter; why would the doctor concern himself over how much blood he had lost, or just how intensely cold his own fingers felt intertwined once again with his savior?

_'You’ll save me, won’t you, Kazuaki? Yuuya, too. You’ll both save me. I don’t mind if I’m destroyed because of it.'_

That wonderful heat again, gentle fingers and an inviting smile. It didn’t matter if he had tried to murder him just moments ago, or if he wanted to finish the job after Yuuya was satisfied. All that mattered was the promise of serenity. Shuu shifted his palm from Yuuya’s shoulder, shaking fingers running through the soft blue locks there, letting Yuuya place bites and kisses wherever he pleased. He didn’t tug, just let his fingers scratch lightly, content for the moment to have both of them touch his exhausted body. 

"It's hard not to think about them, especially when they're not warm and kind... But so many of my memories have been about  _you_. That isn't fair, is it? Not when you're  _right here_. I should enjoy this time, with  _you,_ instead of dreaming of the past. Don't you think?"

Just as easily as Shuu had grasped hold of Kazuaki's hand was also just as easy to lose it when the teacher tugged his arm away slowly. Shuu didn’t answer, his eyes following Kazuaki’s palm pulling away. His hand remained in place, knuckles resting against damaged paperwork. Violet followed the teacher's movements around the desk, free hand still drifting through Yuuya’s hair, hips still taking every thrust. Kazuaki pressed both of his hands down onto the top of the desk - to either side of Shuu's head. Peering down at the doctor, Kazuaki only smiled as his eyes narrowed, watching the way Shuu's body rocked against the furniture with his assistant's face nuzzling into a neck and collarbone. Violet met golden easily, Shuu unafraid to let Kazuaki see all that had become of himself, vulnerable and wanting. Attempts to suppress his audible pleasure were met only half way, fingers against blue locks tightening a fraction at a particularly deep thrust.

A few loud moans lifted from the pair which made Kazuaki's lips twist into something more warped.

"You don't want to think anymore? I can help with that...because I don't want to think either. Ahh... It's been a long time since I've done this. I can almost remember  _his_  mouth... I hope yours will be just as inviting. He was always so willing to please me...and make me happy. A shame..."

A shame that he didn't care. Even now, there was no remorse in his eyes.

There it was again, Shuu’s logic nagging him to pay attention to the sweet words falling from Kazuaki’s mouth, but he could not bring himself to care in the moment. He was so close, so warm and everything said was confirmation that he could help, he was going to  _make it stop_. 

“…Please, I’ll do anything…hnn.”

"I'm sorry, Sakazaki, but I hope you don't mind if I just--"

Hands hooked under Shuu's shoulders to yank the brunette farther up onto the desk. Shuu felt himself being dragged back, hand pulled away from Yuuya’s soft hair, unable fight against it in his weakened position. Panicked fingers grabbed at anything they could but only felt the brush of Yuuya’s sleeve and partially dry blood marks scattered across paper. Yuuya gasped sharply, thrown off by the movements as he slid almost all of the way out. Lifting his face, he watched as the brunette's head dropped off the edge of the desk. The narrow desk was still shorter at its full width than Shuu's spine was long, which made the piece of furniture oddly perfect for this particular situation. 

“Hahhh…Yu…n-no…”

Aquamarine hues were still glazed over as Yuuya stood back upright, holding the bottom of Shuu's hips with one hand as his other squeezed right around the doctor's malehood. His thumbnail dragged over the sensitive slit of a swollen cockhead, smearing pre over the pad of his thumb without much care. He panted heavily as he looked back over at Kazuaki, eyebrows knitting together tightly.

What was he...?

Shuu felt the loss of Yuuya’s body over his first before his eyes refocused, attempting to make sense of where his head had ended up. He could feel that Yuuya was still there, hands around the doctor's exposed hips, that devilish palm still stroking him, making it that much harder to focus. What was…Kazuaki? 

_Oh._

“Heh…ahh. Ahaha…hnn…hahh.”

The fingertips of the doctor’s left hand barely reached the edge of the desk, sliding close to his own partially sweaty hips. His right came up to his neck, tracing along until he reached his ear, carefully grasping red frames and tugging them away to place them to the right side of his desk top so they would not fall to the ground. It was now overly obvious what Kazuaki had done. Shuu grinned, fingers twitching in anticipation.

This was more like it. This was what he needed all along. Used, to be used. If one could not be used then they simply became useless. No, Shuu wouldn’t allow that.  _He_  would be disappointed if that happened, but it didn’t matter anymore, what  _he_  wanted. This was what Shuu wanted. Shuu would no longer allow it, allow  _him_  to take away this moment.

"Oh, this is an interesting position. Don't you think so?" Kazuaki hummed to himself, reaching down for the front of his pants. Even upside-down, Shuu could see the bulge at the front. All of this excitement had simply been  _too much_. Fingertips dragged down the zipper before unhooking the front button, the edge of his underwear sliding down to expose himself as Kazuaki's own arousal became perfectly viewable. A chuckle spilled from the doctor's lips, violet eyes watching eagerly as Kazuaki removed the obstruction of pants from his view. "I almost forgot what this feeling was like..."

Yuuy froze as his eyes suddenly widened; breath stopping for a moment. His gaze flickered from a patch of dark, brown-black hair at Kazuaki's lap to the soft blonde locks around his head. How was he...?

Again, that tug of logic as Shuu caught a flash of dark brown surrounding his focus, an obvious mismatch from what surrounded Kazuaki’s head. He didn’t care, it didn’t matter now. All that mattered was the present, what was about to happen, what he knew he could give, over and over again. The doctor licked his lips, impressed with what was presented before him - it seemed there were many things he simply was unaware of concerning Kazuaki.

“I’ll do my very best to remind you,” he smiled up at Kazuaki.

"Oh, please don't let me stop you, Sakazaki, this should be fun! After all, don't they say that 'three's a party'?"

Reaching for himself with one hand, Kazuaki brought the tip of his length to Shuu's gasping lips while his other palm pressed the blade of the scalpel to that beautifully exposed neckline. 

Violet eyes widened as Kazuaki placed himself at Shuu’s eager lips, but not in response to that motion. He felt the cold familiar edge of a scalpel at his neck and the doctor's heart rate picked up quickly as he tightened around Yuuya. His own teeth pricked as his bottom lip, suppressing a moan as his body reacted to the promise and threat, the doctor's cock twitching harder in Yuuya’s grasp. 

Kazuaki smiled as he pressed the sharp, fresh blade down a little harder to sweet, soft skin; Shuu's neck was completely littered with hickeys and bitemarks.

Bruises suited the doctor's fair complexion.

"If you bite me,  _I'll slit your throat_ ," he hummed softly, a wry smirk upon his lips as his eyes flashed. "Now, open up~."

Shuu shifted his head back slightly, exposing more of his throat to Kazuaki as his right hand came up to grasp and tug against the fabric still clinging to his hips. Tired thighs shifted in Yuuya’s grasp, pushing around his assistant's hips to wrap behind him, ankles locked and secure near Yuuya’s lower back. Shuu pushed against that spot, forcing Yuuya forward to sink deeper back into him just how he liked.

_'Such a wonderful feeling, free of thoughts.'_

Kazuaki couldn't suppress a small shiver that ran up the length of his spine, only to pass as a slow exhale from his nose while his eyes remained locked on the sight beneath him; feeling the way Shuu gripped the fabric at his hip, admiring the way the scalpel rested against such a lovely, exposed neckline. Yuuya groaned as he was pulled forward, a soft gasp lifting into the air as his length buried itself right back into Shuu's willing body. He grasped more flesh at the top of Shuu's thigh, short fingernails pressing sharp, crescent shapes into the brunette's soft skin. It felt...oddly nice, like this, with Shuu's legs wrapped right around him. The doctor's assistant leaned in closer as Shuu's thighs squeezed around him, drawing him in, pulling him in, deeper, deeper. 

“Yuuya, I won’t last long like this. Stop being so gentle…you know how difficult it is for me to get off unless someone’s getting hurt,” Shuu moaned.

Hazy, light blue eyes peered back down at the brunette who was so happily laid out between both the student and teacher. He hardly heard his own name when Shuu spoke up; his only reaction being a single firm stroke along the brunette's shaft as he parted his own lips. Like this, Shuu was almost  _beautiful_. His hair was splayed out beneath him and his thighs were parted, his pale skin tinted pink, body bloodied and bruised and  _enthusiastic_. The only time Yuuya ever found Shuu in an excitable mood was while he was in the midst of his  _true_ work; not tending to small injuries or administering aspirin before telling the student to  _get out_. Extraction, laboratory examination, exposure, cause and effect - it was when Shuu was completely lost in his own work, sometimes soaked in blood, that he seemed to be the most at peace and the most  _passionate_.

But... When it came to pleasure?

Such a request... Yuuya could  _never_ harm Shuu the way the brunette injured him on a fairly regular basis but... He glanced back up as he leaned forward, arching over Shuu's body. His gaze fell to the blade Kazuaki held so close to the doctor's neck, considering the scalpel and the intent behind the hand which held it quietly. Well... While  _he_ couldn't give Shuu the satisfaction that he needed so specifically, Kazuaki  _could_. So as long as Shuu was willing, with his legs wrapped so securely around his own hips, then Yuuya would take the opportunity to enjoy himself. He raised a hand to sweep his fingers across his eyes from beneath his glasses before grasping a handful of muscle again, nails cutting into the flesh at Shuu's top thigh once again, before suddenly thrusting forward without any warning to bury himself further into a tight passage; a sharp noise sounding between the two of them.

Kazuaki felt his face suddenly flush, his eyes falling half-way closed as Shuu's tongue grazed over the tip of his cock. He was rock hard and ready to go, dripping with pre that had already soaked the front of his own pair of dark blue boxer-briefs. Unlike Yuuya, Kazuaki would truly be a mouthful - if not more - as he sported quite the impressive arousal with a length and girth that suited a man of his height. It had truly been a long time since he had felt such a sensation, just the faintest touch of the doctor's tongue and lips already sending small tremors up his body. His abs twitched as he exhaled again, reopening his glazed, golden eyes to stare back down at Shuu's neck as sinful lips lapped at his cockhead.

The doctor’s tongue reached out, licking away the precum from Kazuaki’s cock - he really had been waiting so long, so patient. 

“Kazuaki, do you really think of me to be…that evil? There is such beauty in harming things, but something like this…it is already perfect to me.”

Shuu’s eyes fell closed as he opened his mouth obediently, fingers pulling at Kazuaki’s hips while he pushed his own against Yuuya.

_'How magnificent, to be so useful.'_

It was almost comical, how gentle and cautious they both were, each in their own way. Not to negate Yuuya’s insistent thrusting or Kazuaki’s obvious need but… Especially considering all that had so recently occurred; both Kazuaki and Yuuya had shown the doctor just how harsh and demanding each could be. This was different however - perhaps Shuu’s assistant had never been in such a situation, someone underneath, wanting and waiting to be hurt. Kazuaki - it was clear from his ramblings that the teacher didn’t often partake in such pleasures, and if he did, they most likely hadn’t been with anyone else but himself. 

_'Come on. I know you both are capable of much more. I can take it all.'_

"Evil? Perfect? Ahh..."

Was that...a compliment? A bitter sort of chuckle fell past his own lips, but was immediately replaced with a shrill sound of pure pleasure as he rocked forward and thrust into that pretty mouth that had opened in offering to him. Kazuaki's hips snapped his hips to press himself in deeper, farther into the depths of Shuu's throat as his fingers curled into fallen strands of brunette hair. Perhaps it didn't help much that both himself and Yuuya impaled Shuu from both ends at the same time, neither of them looking to the other to help sort out some kind of rhythm.

Not that it mattered - Shuu probably  _preferred_ it this way.

It wasn’t the tranquility of Shuu’s mind being distracted enough to focus on the moment - it was much more than that. Silence, some strange clarity mixed with calm, radiating across the intense urge to simply  _please_  how he knew he could. And the pain? That would always be part of it, Shuu’s body well aquatinted with the familiar signals shooting to his mind; one did not forget the association of pain and pleasure, that final push over the edge that caused them to see no difference in each. The doctor was far beyond that point; it all felt good now. Everything.

_'For what it's worth, I suppose he would be proud. Heh.'_

Ah, those manicured fingernails digging into Shuu’s sensitive thighs, feeling sharp crescent marks form and release as Yuuya slammed into the doctor's willing body. 

Those gentle shivers running through Kazuaki’s body - Shuu could easily feel them against his tightened fingers along the teacher's hips.

_'That's it. Give me more. I want more.'_

Shuu was granted his wish, finally feeling Kazuaki push forward into his waiting mouth. He pulled air unsteadily through his nose, eyebrows knitting together below the teacher as he struggled to take it all. Ah, Kazuaki was impressive in this area; the doctor was unable to do much else than keep his head steady and unmoving, letting his tongue drag across the throbbing length as his throat continued to protest at the assault. He had no space to offer anything entertaining, sucking hard when he was offered the chance but otherwise remaining obedient to let the teacher set his own pace. Those well known fingers in his hair again - Shuu shivered, his own hand tugging against Kazuaki’s hip as his ankles insistently dug into Yuuya’s lower back. He felt tears prick against tightly shut eyes once more, however this time only out of exertion.

"Evil... Do I...think of you...to be...so evil?" Kazuaki groaned out, bowing his head as the hand which held the scalpel to Shuu's neck trembled. " _Ohh_... But I do... Ahh..."

Shuu wouldn't last long? Neither would Kazuaki. Yuuya was already half-way there himself, the youth no longer actively stroking the doctor with one hand; instead he merely grasped it, using Shuu's erection as another means to anchor himself as he focused solely on ramming his length time and again into the brunette's prostate. The way the doctor's body was wrapped around him so snug, drawing him in time and again, was enough to send him over the brink of insanity to join his superiors. His breathing was ragged as his eyes fell tightly closed, hips rolling hard. At some point he let go of Shuu's cock in order to slap a hand to a bare thigh, now using both of Shuu's legs as reigns as he simply pounded into him.

Just these last few moments... This was all he needed. He was nearly there. Shuu could feel it all around him, the way Yuuya throbbed, hear the way he held his breath, feel the way sharp nails dug themselves into such soft, tender, pale flesh.

Shuu’s left hand abandoned its failing grasp on the desk in favor of wrapping around his own length, covering Yuuya’s stilled hand there and squeezing, satisfied that his assistant was finally focusing on his own pleasure. Ah, those words, to hear Kazuaki falling to pieces so easily, Shuu’s abused lips wrapping around that perfect cock sliding in and out. He was so close. Just…more. Almost.

The doctor’s entire body felt completely assaulted at both ends, his chest rising and falling harshly on top of the desk, lab coat splayed all around him with shirt and sweater bunched together above his modest abs. He was undeniably  _too_ sweaty for his preference, but could not bring himself to care as his own hand started pumping hard against his length, Yuuya’s hand finally dropping away to grasp hard against the doctor's other thigh. 

_'Ah…yes. That's it. There. More. Use me more.'_

Shuu could hear everything, but was simply unable to focus on one sound. Yuuya was panting now, roughly shoving against Shuu exactly how he wanted it, hitting that spot over and over again, Shuu’s fingers shaking as they glided against himself desperately. Kazuaki’s own increased breathing, wet slick sounds coming from the doctor’s pleased mouth. His own moans, muffled against a thick cock, thighs shaking in their tight grip as fingernails sent delicious jolts of pain.

' _So...beautiful like this... I never imagined...that you would ever...be anything but revolting..._ '

Kazuaki couldn't help himself as he gazed down, the thumb from the hand on the back of Shuu's head circling the doctor's ear slowly. His breath had hitched at some point, his heart rate elevated as his blood rushed through his veins with a happy little hum. Nude lips parted as he grunted once or twice, when Shuu swallowed him in a particularly wonderful way; the brunette drew a particular rise from Kazuaki when the teacher felt those short nails graze against a hipbone. It made his lower stomach twitch, the flesh sensitive and untouched. His entire form was warm at this point, flushed with a healthy glow, and Kazuaki took a moment to appreciate how it all felt.

Warm and relaxed. This was nice.

But he wanted more.

Grasping abused locks of brunette, Kazuaki groaned as he angled himself before drilling his cock farther into Shuu's mouth. He leaned forward slightly, making sure to hold the doctor's head in place as his hips snapped and began to thrust just a little more quickly. It felt nice; it felt so good; even the small threat of teeth that dragged on either side of his length as he tried to fit himself into the pocket of his partner's mouth felt incredible. Nothing Shuu did, from the way his throat contracted to the way he moved his tongue, went unnoticed. His sensitive member felt it all, even rattling from the vibrations of a hard moan that lifted from the depths of the doctor's chest.

Shuu’s left hand tugged a corner of his lab coat over, wiping quickly at the mess across his abs before willing his arm up, tired and damaged muscles protesting against the wound. His left palm reached an eager hip, fingers tugging along the bone there mirroring his right. It had been a while, but he remembered now - opening one’s throat was as much of a mental block as it could be physical. 

' _Ah, why must it feel so nice? I shouldn't...be enjoying this. I did nothing to deserve this_.'

But did he ever deserve it  _before_? No.  _He_ always offered; it was never requested, it was never sought after.

It looked so unlike Shuu to appear as disheveled as he was. His attire was a mess, his hair every which way, saliva and pre escaping from one corner of his mouth to dribble down. His lips looked so glossy, wrapped around Kazuaki's girth. The blonde could faintly hear the way Shuu was struggling to breathe but he did nothing to help assist or make any of this easier for the other. He simply continued to ram his length quickly past those flushed, swollen lips with absolutely no guilt whatsoever.

' _But I'll take it from you, I'll take what's mine. I'll take it all back._ '

The scalpel pressed closer to Shuu's pulse. He'd rip his own pleasure from Shuu's very soul, no matter what it took at this point.

"Such a... _wicked mouth_ ," Kazuaki mumbled, drawing Shuu's head closer to his hips; nearly taking pleasure in the fact that such dark hairs tickled the bottom of the doctor's chin every time. The blade began to press down with each thrust Kazuaki made, grazing at the space where Shuu's neck met his jawline - cutting in just enough to draw blood.

Shuu tilted his head as far back as he could, shaking hand against Kazuaki’s hip tugging, nails dragging along a tiny sliver of exposed hipbone. Saliva dripped down from the corner of his mouth, unable to do anything but let Kazuaki thrust in all the way, stealing away all the air the doctor so desperately needed as he struggled to breathe through his nose.

The scalpel felt cool against his neck, the edge almost gentle in its touch as the doctor felt his own blood slowly drip down again. It didn’t hurt, not like before. It simply… The mere thought of Kazuaki cutting into Shuu once again while choking him with his cock…it was too much.

"Hn!"

Golden eyes flew open as he felt a broken moan resonate around his cock; in the distance he could hear Yuuya release a sharp cry of his own. Kazuaki watched from where he stood, absolutely mesmerized at the display of what he could only assumed were joint climaxes.

Shuu's whole body shook, hand frantic along his length as he came hard against his stomach, moans stifled with Kazuaki still pounding into his mouth. Shuu had came first, that much was obvious. His seed spilled all over himself, past his hand and fingers, onto spasming abs. Yuuya was second, a few moments behind, as he had desperately tried to penetrate the doctor's body further before contracting walls around him proved to be too much. Shuu’s hips ground down and tightened around Yuuya as his assistant kept ramming right where he needed it, hand slowing as his shaking fingers rolled over the tip once, finally stopping to rest down to tired abs, fingers running through the mess he had made of himself. 

Yuuya’s cries faintly reached the doctor's ears; he felt every shake, every attempt to breathe through the waves of pleasure. Shuu's body was already reacting on its own, tightening as much as he could around his assistant to milk out his orgasm, letting him cling to tired hips, small bruises forming from too-tight fingertips. 

It was broken, the cry Yuuya released when he came. There was no real need for him to pull out, especially when he had driven himself so deep. Yuuya struggled to get a small amount of air into his own lungs before moaning, hands holding Shuu's rear in a vice-like grip. His whole body trembled as he leaned his head back, hips rocking involuntarily as he rode out his release; enjoying every second, allowing the feeling to completely overwhelm him. Any chaos that the morning had brought was lost on him for those few precious seconds. He saw nothing but white now, a glorious, beautiful white - unlike when Shuu had pierced his bicep with a scalpel. All thoughts of Shuu, all thoughts of Sakuya were completely lost to him.

Shuu would do it all again if Yuuya wanted, if he ever could think of Shuu any differently now. He didn’t feel guilt over anything he had ever done - every mark he left on Sakazaki meant something to Shuu; the mere thought that Yuuya would just take it all, anything the doctor gave, all for a clear goal, all for someone he cared the most for. It was admirable and Shuu, in this moment, felt like perhaps Yuuya was owed this. Shuu would not deny him if he wanted this again situation again. For everything that was twisted and warped through his red vision, he realized he missed this…whatever this could possibly be.

Shuu’s mind was completely blank, body taking over as he felt himself totally relax, throat no longer complaining against the brutal assault of Kazuaki, legs loosening around Yuuya’s hips.

_'Ah. What a mess I’ve become.'_

Content. Satisfied. Feelings Shuu had unwillingly been grasping for all this time, trying to feed the urge with Yuuya and his planned  _assistance_  previously. It helped certainly, driving away the stress and annoying  _urges_  the doctor felt, but it never came close to this. No, this was what he really wanted - to focus on nothing, to feel everything, perhaps even to be happy, if only for a few fleeting moments.

_'Isa, it is possible to obtain the greatest pleasure just by being able to completely give yourself over. You’ll know it when it happens.'_

' _Oh..._ '

Shuu's throat seemed to have relaxed. Kazuaki glanced back down at the face that was nearly buried in his lap, upside-down as the doctor's neck remained bent over the edge of the desk. Shuu's body shifted as Yuuya finally pulled out, the youth sweaty and his breathing ragged, as he began to lean forward and rest beside the doctor; keeping one hand on one a pale thigh, forcing it to remained hooked over a hip. 

' _Well... I've already come this far_.'

Kazuaki tossed the scalpel onto the desk so that he could grasp hold of Shuu's head with both hands. Bowing his face, the blonde gazed down at that that exposed neck once more before closing his eyes. All of his focus was now on himself, driving his member back into Shuu's willing and open mouth. Narrow hips were driven down, lips parting to gasp once or twice as the tip of his cockhead rammed into the back of Shuu's throat. Oh; tears were beginning to appear at the corners of his own eyes, kissing long lashes, as he felt exhaustion beginning to overtake him. He felt so warm and it was so nice... But he couldn't fall asleep, not like this, not right here.

' _Ah, please, don't stop... Don't stop... Don't leave me...'_

Shuu heard the scalpel drop, those corrupt fingers curling into sweaty locks to secure his grasp. The doctor's fingers tugged harder, weak and unable to pull Kazuaki closer but still signaling his enthusiasm. It was a wonderful feeling - being used this way, letting Kazuaki do as he pleased, no concern over Shuu’s comfort or stamina; exactly how the doctor liked it. He moaned against the intrusion, throat swallowing in anticipation as the teacher yanked within abused locks.

_'Yes. Take it. Take it all. I will always give it to you.'_

The blonde had exerted so much energy, just in this small amount of time. Truth be told, Kazuaki was surprised he had even lasted  _this long_. Slender fingers pulled roughly at brunette strands as he continued to pant, his hips rocking quicker and quicker. It was obvious from his motions that he was becoming more and more desperate now that he had nothing else on his mind but this, the familiar feeling of pleasure returning to the forefront of Kazuaki's mind. How could he have forgotten?... Something like this was almost incredible but... He didn't deserve it. Even now, he did nothing to deserve any of this.

He hadn't even done what he had set out to do; he had completely  _snapped_ and his only focus was on  _killing_ Shuu. How could he enjoy himself now, knowing he couldn't even fulfill his  _own promise_?

' _I... I-I'm sorry..._ '

His hips rolled quicker until his pelvis could nearly touch Shuu's cheeks.

' _I'm sorry...'_

He throbbed harder, feeling himself slipping into the back of Shuu's throat.

' _I-I'm so sorry... I'm sorry..._ '

Needy, demanding, brutal... Kazuaki's thrusts were in no way kind. But he was there, he was nearly there - feverish movements were complimented by his quick breathing, a small tear or two finally breaking past his lashes to run down his face.

Sporadic. Demanding. Rough. Shuu could tell he was close, thrusts against his mouth almost too much now as he struggle to pull air through his nose whenever Kazuaki pushed away. His fingers resting at the teacher's hips scratched lightly again, Shuu’s own heart rate picking up from where it had evened out right after his own orgasm.

_'Come on. Please. I want this.'_

' _I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Nageki..._ '

"A-Ah!"

It happened so quickly, Kazuaki almost had no time to react. A tiny flash of panic crossed Shuu’s lust-filled mind as he realized just how difficult it would be to swallow what Kazuaki was about to give him in his inverted position. A bitter taste certainly pooled in Shuu's mouth, but most of it would spill out quickly against his chin and cut neck. The blonde had ripped Shuu's face away from him as he jerked back the moment he felt his climax, reaching his peak with absolutely no warning. Fingers clenched around hips, Shuu’s eyebrows knitting together as he felt the first wave hit his throat, trying to breathe through alarm and mentally prepare himself to attempt to hold it all, at least until he could right himself on the desk enough to swallow. To his surprise he felt Kazauaki slip out, his release continuing instead to hit across Shuu’s lips and chin, some hitting against his neck to slowly drip down across his first wound he acquired on the floor beneath the teacher.

Kazuaki moaned low, broken, as he tried to breathe at the same time. The hot rush of his release spilled out across the lower half of Shuu's face; a thick display that clearly expressed just  _how long_ it had been since he had any sort of  _relief_. One hand rose from the back of Shuu's head to grasp hold of himself, milking his cock for all he was worth to ride out those last lingering waves of pleasure as a few short ribbons of white shot out across Shuu's neck. 

A low moan escaped as Shuu let the rest fall out of his mouth to slide down the side of his face, the faint sound of a few drops hitting the floor below. He shivered, eyes opening to barely catch a glimpse of Kazuaki holding himself, feeling his release hit against his neck once more. He loved every second of it, breath ragged and heavy, finally able to suck in air from his mouth once again. Shuu released both hands, his left falling to the desk first, his right lingering against his dirtied lips and chin, fingers sliding along the mess there and dipping into his mouth to taste. 

_Content. Satisfied._

He let his right hand flop back to the desk to mirror his left, perfectly appeased to just let his head hang over the desk - not that he could move himself much anyway if he wanted.

Yuuya raised his face as he heard Kazuaki signal his achievement. He inhaled before pushing himself up to stand, ripping the condom from himself to toss haphazardly into the trash can below the desk while observing the way the blonde stumbled back once he was finished. He didn't care about particularly cleaning himself off properly before stuffing himself back into his pants then zipped up and buttoned; he was dirty from head to toe, a little more wouldn't matter right now. Hands soon fell back to Shuu's sides; Kazuaki waved him off before slipping his own palms down to the brunette's shoulders.

"S-Sit him...up..." he panted, "...before...his blood...rushes to his head... Whatever blood...he might even  _have left_..."

Both a joke and a serious acknowledgement.

Shuu was hoisted up as Yuuya collected the doctor back into his arms. The doctor's head began to swim violently, eyes attempting to focus on whatever was in front of him but failing - the lack of his glasses wasn’t helping. Kazuaki only helped long enough until he was sure that Yuuya had hold of Shuu, then took a step back to begin adjusting his own pants. Yuuya's arms remained wrapped around the brunette, unlacing just long enough to grab the small tissue box that Shuu kept on one side of his desk next to the wall. He pulled out one or two before he began to clean up at Shuu's mouth and neck. Cum wasn't exactly the nicest thing once it was dried. He didn't  _have_ to clean Shuu up, but putting in the most minimal effort was still a gesture even Yuuya would have appreciated for himself if the roles were reversed.

Shuu felt gentle fingers against his face and neck, wiping away the mess he had worked so hard to earn. He tried testing his movement, willing his right hand to move but felt nothing and saw nothing, the limb just remained at his side. He could see him now, familiar hair, glasses, his white undershirt. His lips across the doctors ear. Those skillful lips, making Shuu question himself over and over.

_'Yuuya.'_

Kazuaki stepped back up to the desk once he had finished, rubbing at his eyes with the back of a hand to discard anymore tears that might have fallen.

"S-Sakazaki..."

Yuuya looked up from Shuu's shoulder, turning half of his face into the brunette's own as he pressed a shallow kiss to a small ear.

"...You should leave," Kazuaki breathed, raising his eyes to meet with aquamarine. "You'll be...late for  _class_."


	5. All This Time I've Been Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This state is elevating, as the hurt turns into hating  
> Anticipating, all the fucked up feelings again
> 
> The hurt inside is fading  
> This shit's gone way too far  
> All this time I've been waiting  
> No I can not grieve anymore  
> For once inside awaking  
> I'm done, I'm not a whore  
> You've taken everything and, oh, I cannot give anymore

“Yuuya.”

Shuu’s voice was low, it felt strange to speak - his throat no longer wanting to comply.

Both gold and aquamine turned back to the doctor. It was almost foreign, to hear Shuu speak now; calm and exhausted.

Shuu's head was resting against his assistants now - it was simply too difficult to hold all of his weight. He felt his mind start to close down, that overwhelming pull to sleep, his body screaming at him to let it rest, try to heal it all. His vision started to close as well, edges drifting into blackness. Shuu closed his eyes, letting a soft sigh slip along to tickle against Yuuya’s neck. 

Yuuya's arms tensed, drawing the brunette closer to his chest as he felt Shuu's head lay against his own. He kept the doctor's body supported, mentally noting how Shuu's form was still so light despite how he was practically dead weight at this point. His light eyes turned downward when Shuu nuzzled into a space at his neck slowly, feeling swollen lips at his flesh followed by that long, tender sigh.

What was the cause for it? Was Shuu content? Was he  _happy_?

“I didn’t… I didn’t touch him, not like I touch you."

' _...What?'_

Kazuaki's eyes locked onto Yuuya's, but the youth's gaze was still lowered to the top of the desk. Behind gold-rimmed glasses, bright blue eyes were wide; locked onto Shuu's blood that was beginning to dry on medical files, meeting minutes, agendas, lists... 

Lips parted as Kazuaki continued to stare back at Yuuya, his expression shifting. Even if Yuuya couldn't bring himself to move, Kazuaki felt his own knees buckle a little underneath him and quickly grasped hold to the edge of the desk. Shuu had... _lied_? But... But why would he  _lie_ about something so significant? Why would he say what he had to Yuuya? It...  _That_  had been... 

 _That lie_  had broken  _both_ of them.

"Someone else… He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t tell me."

Someone else.

"I’m…sorry…”

' _No..._ '

Shuu finally gave in, satisfied that he got the message across, content in all that he could give to both Yuuya and Kazuaki, even if it would never be enough. He would pay over and over, if that was what they wanted. Maybe it helped them. Maybe it helped Shuu…to feel useful once again.

His weight fell against Yuuya completely, face shifting to rest in the spot between his shoulder and neck, chest pushing forward to Yuuya’s own. Shuu was tired. So tired and feeling cold again. Yuuya was warm. He could just stay here…they could both just…

The doctor finally passed out, body over-exerted, physically and mentally drained with an unfortunate mix of blood loss.

Yuuya couldn't breathe. His arms around Shuu remained wound tightly around the doctor's form, yet all he felt was cold, dead weight against his chest. Tears stung at his lashes almost immediately and he did nothing to keep them from falling. Kazuaki stood where he was from the other side of the desk, unable to do anything but watch the anguish that fell over the youth's features. He could only imagine what was going through Yuuya's mind - which was absolutely nothing. Yuuya's mind was blank.

He felt nothing.

He heard nothing.

He only existed. 

For the moment, he couldn't even process the reality that was falling down around him.

Which did he fear more? Shuu's hands? Or  _his_?

Yuuya had experienced both - and all that he could say...was that he could ask  _Shuu_ to stop...and he  _would_.

The breath he exhaled was heavy and Yuuya shuddered. The next inhale was choked up as he raised one hand away from Shuu's back to clasp over his mouth, tears still spilling down his face as his vision blurred over. He tried to recall everything Shuu had said all morning - anything. What had he mentioned?... 

' _That gentle moan, the blush, the shame! He tried to hide it from me, but I knew. Oh, I know it so well. How could I touch him? How could I not, he practically begged me, with those eyes.'_

The shame. 

Sakuya had tried to hide it.

"S-Sakuya..." Yuuya breathed out past his fingers, still cradling Shuu close to him with his other arm. "No--h-he wouldn't... He... S-Sakuya..."

Not Sakuya. Sakuya was his  _heir_. He was the youngest of the Le Bel children. He was prized and pampered. Why... Why would Le Bel try to hurt Sakuya? Why would he  _touch him_  like that? Why would he intentionally try to tarnish his precious, favorite child? Drag him down into sin and Hell, marked as impure and dirty and tainted like his mongrel of an older brother?

"Sakazaki..." Kazuaki spoke, softly, as he began to walk around from the other end of the desk cautiously. His eyebrows knit together in obvious concern, appearing more like the sleepy teacher he supposedly was as opposed to the deranged lunatic with murderous intent he had been only a short while ago. "Sakazaki..."

"N-No..."

Shaking his head, Yuuya suddenly shoved the worn-out form of his superior down onto the desk; ripping Shuu away from him in outrage.

"No!"

Falling. What a strange sensation it was, Shuu's body easily registering the air softly passing by, the definite hard hit of desk below, even the obvious sound of dead weight crashing down onto a surface. Shuu sensed it all, whatever part of his mind hadn’t shut down yet registered what had happened, but none of it was felt. None of it hurt anymore. It was just a passing moment - he couldn’t even attempt to comprehend why or who had shifted his body so suddenly and violently. If he could be honest with himself now - he didn’t care. It was so very difficult to care about anything at all now, after everything that had happened, after all that was said and done. So hard to care, so unreasonable to feel. 

Shuu’s back and head hit the desk’s top with a dull thud, blow barely softened by scattered stacks of ruined paperwork. The doctor’s last conscious memory was the sound of Yuuya’s frantic voice, yelling insistently about something…no words were getting through to Shuu now, not anymore.

Kazuaki's eyes flew open and his steps quickened as he rounded the edge of the desk. Hysteria colored those tearful aquamarine eyes as he reached for the exhausted doctor once more, managing to grab the front of Shuu's shirt but shouted once Kazuaki had a hold of him. 

"S-Sakazaki! Get a hold of yourself!"

"NO! IWAMINE! WHY?! WHY DID YOU LET HIM?!"

The teacher ripped the student's hold away then pulled Yuuya's arms behind him, causing the youth to twist and arch; all in an attempt to pull free from Kazuaki as he kept wild, tear-stained eyes locked onto Shuu. He cried out in grief again, steps stumbling as Kazauki swung the student away from the desk to put distance between him and the doctor. Golden eyes spared a glance over his shoulder in Shuu's direction before he returned his attention to Yuuya who was still trying to jerk free.

"WHY?! WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THAT?!" Yuuya cried out, heavy tears spilling over his lower lashline to stream down his cheeks "SAKUYA!  _Sakuya--I have to find, I have to find Sakuya--_ L-Let me go! NANAKI!"

"Sakazaki!"

"WHY DID YOU SAVE HIS LIFE?! WHY?!"

Kazuaki inhaled sharply and released Yuuya the moment an elbow managed to jab at him violently; straight into the front of his ribs. He wrapped one arm around himself as Yuuya staggered forward, trying to catch his balance before taking hold of the end of an infirmary bed. Clearly distraught, the youth turned around to stare back at both the blonde and then Shuu with wide eyes before quickly turning his vision away. One hand rose up to push through his hair, streaking blood through the light-colored strands and then down his face. He quickly but shakily headed straight for a tall, white cabinet, falling down once in his staggering motions, before throwing the cabinet doors open. He knocked several items off of a shelf before pulling down one of three white button-up tops he kept here in the infirmary for  _such occasions_. 

' _No... No, no.  No... I-I should have gone back sooner... I-I should... I should have been there for him... I-If I...I...'_

Yuuya reached for his jacket on the office chair and then quickly headed to the door, blood splashing off of the cold tile floor and onto the bottom of his black uniform slacks; onto his shoes, onto his socks.

His heart was racing; his mind was spinning. He only had one thought on his mind now and he had to find him before classes started - before anyone else arrived at the school.

' _I-If that was a lie then maybe... Maybe this is just a lie, too. Maybe Iwamine is just trying to...t-to cover up...for himself... B-But will Sakuya...?'_

If Sakuya wouldn't even confess to Shuu, who he trusted and held in such high regard... Then what made Yuuya think that Sakuya would tell him anything?...

"S-Sakazaki--" Kazuaki tried to breath out, pushing himself back up to stand straight but winced before falling back to one knee again. 

" _Do not_ ," Yuuya responded, giving both the doctor and teacher one last look of anguish as he gripped the door. " _D-Do_   _not_ follow me..."

Golden eyes watched the doorway before Kazuaki looked away from Yuuya, listening as the door slammed close, and stared at the floor in silence. He soon lifted his face to peer back over at the counter that he had placed the coffee mug, both of which were certainly cold by now. Sights raised to the glass cabinet doors he had faced earlier, where they were perfectly whole; no fractures, no shattered glass. He slowly pushed himself up to stand then took one step back and then another, one hand coming to rest over one side of his face before he turned around to begin slowly shuffling back to the bloodied desk. It hardly bothered him to step right through the pool of Shuu's blood still lingering on the floor; it didn't affect him, the blood on the bedsheets. 

Long fingers reached out to press down onto the 'stop' button of the cd player, eyes lowered to the device.

' _I've ruined everything, haven't I? What a...waste of a life I've used._ ' Kazuaki closed his eyes as he frowned to himself. ' _I believed it all, too..._ '

But was it truly a lie? Shuu had sounded so  _genuine_ in the way he had spoken to Yuuya, laughing with obvious pride, as the doctor's assistant broke down beneath him. 

It wasn't foreign to Kazuaki. It wasn't lost on him either; to lie in order to get people to do things they otherwise would probably never do. It was a game that he knew, unfortunately very well. While  _his_ reaction may have been unplanned, Kazuaki could understand how Shuu may have wanted to prompt Yuuya into a more serious and severe reaction by something caused by emotional despair rather than mere physical influence.

A sigh passed his lips.

"What is the truth, I wonder?"

Turning to face Shuu once again, he eyed the doctor's body still on the desk. His lips pulled into a deep frown, slowly making his way over to collect the brunette up into his arms. It  _bothered_ him at how chilled Shuu's form was as he hoisted him up, cradling him to his chest, as he turned to carry him back over to the blood-stained medical bed. He sat Shuu down at the edge and leaned the doctor against him, hands reaching down to begin fixing the front of the other's pants to give him some modesty. Then, Kazuaki began to pull down Shuu's lab coat and unbutton the rest of his shirt, peeling the clothing off of the thin, pale body within his arms.

Shuu could feel it again - hands against his tired body, moving around carefully, tugging and pulling, dragging his mind from that peaceful unconsciousness. Why wouldn’t they let him sleep? The doctor was so very tired, he just wanted everything to be  _still_  for a little while - let his body rest, heal itself or fade away quietly, whatever it chose, Shuu was ok with it. 

"I suppose we may never know. If I am to be honest, though... I've lost track of what is the truth myself..." Kazuaki hummed softly to himself.

Truth. What a useless concept, easily swayed and altered by emotions. No one ever cared about the facts anymore, the evidence, the hard truth. Shuu had been lied to before, if not right to his own face  - some other way, a lie from the heart, soft words winding around his impressionable mind. Sometimes what was perceived as a truth simply was incorrect. Sometimes it was much too late to realize the actual truth instead of what one was taught to believe, spoken or not.

The doctor became slowly aware once more - confused now that he was no longer leaning against Yuuya, but someone else now…who… Who else could it be really; process of elimination and his tired mind easily picked the correct answer. Those long fingers, dancing over his chest, carefully picking at each button of Shuu’s ruined shirt. The doctor leaned in closer now, only enough to shift his exhausted head into the crook of Kazuaki’s neck, eyes still shut tight as he let a sigh pass through his nostrils.

“...Kazuaki?”

"I'm here."

It was for the second time that morning such reassuring words fell from Kazuaki's mouth.

Comfort. It was a strange feeling that passed through Shuu, familiar yet long forgotten. That was his own doing of course, never letting anyone come close enough to share such intimate emotions. The doctor thought it ironic as well, considering a short while ago Kazuaki had an honest aim to end his life, and now…

The blonde felt the way Shuu's entire body rested against his chest limply as his own hands continued their work. The doctor's breathing felt at least even now despite it being so shallow. He still felt cool to the touch as Kazuaki's palm swept down a bruised back. The teacher turned his face away for one moment to drop the blood-stained lab coat to the floor before returning to the task at hand. Next, he pulled off that beige sweater vest, all while keeping one hand at the small of Shuu's back to help balance him while his other fingers hooked around an open lavender-colored shirt to peel it away from the brunette's bloody and sweat-drenched form.

"You can rest."

As if commanded, Shuu let go of areas on his body that were still tense, still afraid of a lingering threat of death, either by Kazuaki or the doctor's body shutting down on its own. His shoulders slumped forward more, meeting against the teacher's as he breathed deeply, his nose close enough to catch strands of blonde hair. Even his smell was somehow comforting; mangos and…something else beneath, some chemical smell Shuu was fond of himself, but in his depleted state he could not pinpoint. 

Kazuaki hummed softly again, shifting Shuu to one side so he could begin trying to work one of the doctor's arms out of a sleeve; he mirrored and did the same for the other. Shuu let his body be shifted, arms moving in compliance with Kazuaki’s wishes, the doctor’s eyes still shut tight. He really had nothing to look at anyway, considering his glasses were obviously missing from his face, still probably laying somewhere on his desk.

The shirt was then dropped right on top of the discarded medical coat and vest, leaving Shuu's entire upper half naked and exposed.

Eyebrows suddenly lifted as Kazuaki glanced down.

Shuu's right side had obviously caught his eye, a sight he never would have expected. He was aware that the doctor's right arm and hand gave him problems during sudden weather changes, but he never would have expected to see something so... _traumatic_  laying beneath the surface of clothes. Splotchy, unsightly;  _scars_. They were few but great in size. Kazuaki lowered one palm to idly graze over an old mark near Shuu's elbow, feeling the coarseness of scarred flesh beneath the tips of his fingers. He remained silent as he explored, eyebrows pinning together tightly. 

Shuu felt the teacher pause his movements and then, the smallest register of feeling against his right arm, so light that it easily would have been missed if it weren’t for the absolute silence around them. 

_'Hm. I never did tell you, did I?'_

The doctor chose to keep some things secret…well, many things if he had to count them all. The state of his right side was one of them - not even Yuuya or Kazuaki had ever seen the full extent of damage, although both were aware that side gave him trouble. Shuu preferred to keep most of his clothes on when previously playing with Yuuya, and even today on his desk he had done the same, although not out of choice. The old scars traveled down further but stopped around his hips, splotchy areas plastered more around his side and back. Shuu would have preferred to offer an explanation to Kazuaki in a different situation if it ever came up, so he was relieved when the teacher didn’t ask at all.

Truth be told, they reminded Kazuaki a little of  _burn_ scars, the way they looked so melted onto Shuu's right arm and even down his side. Kazuaki's hand twitched and he inhaled sharply, turning his face back to the doctor's quickly; heart rising up to his throat.

' _Did you...try to rescue Nageki? I wonder... Would you... No... You wouldn't have.'_

His lips pulled into a tight frown. ...Just as quickly as his heart had began to race, it ended; sinking down into nothingness again.

'... _It's not the same. You would have only...saved him...because of what you did to him. You wanted him only for your work._ '

Once more, the blonde pulled Shuu slowly to his chest as both arms wound back around such a thin, battered body. His head leaned faintly next to the brunette's, hands rising up behind the doctor so that long fingers could pull off the loose ribbon that had kept Shuu's hair tied back this entire time; how it had survived, Kazuaki would never know. Although Shuu's mane of thick hair was certainly disheveled, not a large amount of it had fallen out of its hold. Kazuaki's eyes fell half-closed as his fingers rose higher to sweep into sweaty locks, trying to straighten and smooth it all down with care, before he lifted the ribbon right back up.

' _I hate you..._ '

With long tresses in one hand, Kazuaki wound the silk, dark purple ribbon right back around the collection then with both hands began to tie it all back into place.

Fingers in his hair again, no longer tugging with need or impatience, just gliding through Shuu's abused locks to unknot whatever mess had been made. Shuu hummed against Kazuaki’s neck, too tired and out of it to care if he seemed vulnerable - it was obvious from his state now and what they had done earlier that he was. His body was completely relaxed now, but his mind kept impatiently tugging at something, not letting him truly find comfort in the moment.

_'Why. Why should he do all this? Why now?'_

"I'll lay you down now, alright?"

Kazuaki wasn't sure if Shuu was still slipping in and out of consciousness or not. At this point, any treatment was perhaps a lost cause. Shuu was pale and with so much blood loss and everything that had been done to him between himself and Yuuya, Kazuaki would have been both surprised and angered if Shuu managed to live through it all. Was the doctor just not mean to  _die_? It was laughable, really. The same bitterness from before rose up and flashed in those serene golden eyes, but the caretaking side of him was too overwhelming for him to flip as he had earlier.

As gently as possible, Kazuaki began to lay Shuu down onto his stomach atop the blood-stained medical bed. He turned the brunette's head so that only half of his face pressed down into the pillow, the other side exposed and free to gaze back toward the window if Shuu so wished. Eyebrows knit together as Shuu felt himself being moved once more, eyes still shut tightly, not ready or willing to face the reality of it all just yet. He heard himself being moved, yet felt nothing - no pain, no discomfort. It was a bit concerning - that his body might have been sending pain signals to his mind, ones that weren’t making it anymore. There wasn’t much he could do about it now, being at the mercy of Kazuaki - at least someone was attempting to help, instead of leaving him mangled on top of his own desk to bleed out.

Kazuaki pushed the doctor's ponytail away from his injured left shoulder, the whole reason he had fixed it to begin with was to keep it out of his way. Slender fingers even went as far as to push bangs from out of Shuu's eye and tuck the loose strands behind an ear.

Gentle fingers again, this time against his hair, tucking it behind his ear.

_'Why? Why would he care so much over what I said to Yuuya? It doesn’t make sense.'_

Shuu heard footsteps once more, this time clearly walking away from his location. He didn’t question Kazuaki, uncaring if the other was planning to come back to end his life or help him - it didn’t matter much either way to the doctor. 

In reality, the blonde had only left to journey over to the infirmary's sink where he began to look for any towels and a bowl. The faucet was soon turned on and Kazuaki waited for the water to become cool before filling a stainless steel bowl he had found from a cabinet above. The bowl and two thin white towels were set down on a stand beside the bed, but Kazuaki was gone again. This time in search of gauze and some medical tape.

Kazuaki still had not returned but he could hear the teacher some distance away. Shuu crept his right hand up along his side, feeling the faint touch of bedsheets sliding against his fingertips to confirm where he was laying. He moved them up further, stopping abruptly as he felt the familiar metal handle, fingers inching sideways until they confirmed the edge of a blade. The doctor was unsure who had placed it here, or when, but it wasn’t at all surprising considering what they had been doing. He wrapped his long fingers around the scalpel, pulling it into his palm and shifting back up slowly, fist tucked under the pillow below his head as he heard Kazuaki’s footsteps coming closer and closer.

When the teacher finally made his return, he gingerly sat down upon the edge of the bed and faced Shuu's injured shoulder. He wasn't necessarily worried about the nics and cuts at the brunette's neck; such shallow things had already stopped bleeding and didn't need quite as much immediate attention.

With one towel in hand, Kazuaki folded it up before laying it over the puncture wound from his initial stabbing. With it only being a scalpel, the injury itself wasn't exactly  _large_ but it certainly had gone in deep. Slowly and as gradually as possible, he began to apply pressure to try and stop any further bleeding. As far as he had seen, it had clotted up, but it would do no good to leave any simply lingering around. Expelling it was best. He didn't apologize for any discomfort it may have even brought Shuu as Kazuaki kept his eyes on his work until he was satisfied enough to remove the towel slowly; he knew from experience that peeling anything away from an injury too fast usually caused some sort of sharp sting. With the second clean towel, he dipped it into the cool water and began to clean up the wound and the area around it, patting and wiping as tenderly as possible.

"..."

The doctor felt the bed dip down to hold Kazuaki’s weight and then something wet and cool against his shoulder, an involuntary shiver running down his spine as his body reacted to the light pressure. A pained huff released from his mouth, fingers tightening closer around the hidden scalpel as his eyes finally opened, unfocused and disoriented, lids sliding partially closed against the intrusion of light, even though they were both still cast in the darkness of the morning.

Could Shuu feel it? The pain in his shoulder? The ache of his abused body? Kazuaki wondered, his answer only a brief moment of a small flinch followed by a slow shudder. He let out a small noise of reassurance as he continued his work, feeling the brunette's body relax against the bed once again. It was almost amusing to hear that little huff; at least Shuu was still somewhat alive, even if he was clinging to the edge of life itself at this point. Or perhaps it was all exaggerated. A lot of this blood was Yuuya's as well. The small pool on the floor and the crimson stain on the top of the medical desk were surely Shuu's, but was it enough for him to actually  _die_? It was only his shoulder, after all.

Kazuaki had no idea what the map of vital blood veins in a body looked like. Not that it mattered now, he supposed, what's done was done. All that he could do now was stop the bleeding and cover the wound to help it heal and hope that it avoided infection.

Hands continued to steadily work, until he had finally finished cleaning up the area then stood back up to go searching in a nearby cabinet for some antibiotic cream. Upon his return, Kazuaki sat back down and then generously deposited a few strips of the cloudy colored medicine over the injury. He reached over to the side table for several squares of white pads, laying them right on top and gently pressed down. Once that was taken care of, he grabbed the roll of gauze, which he started laying down just below the wound before circling around Shuu's shoulder several times.

' _His hair…wasn’t the same. He kept talking about someone…who?_ _Why would he do this now? Why would he…care?'_

Shuu’s eyes finally opened fully, violet turning toward Kazuaki’s body but was unable to see much other than his blurry form next to him. His right hand shifted slowly from beneath the pillow, palm uncurling as he presented the dirtied scalpel to the teacher, tongue flicking against his dry lips. Medical tape was pulled from its dispenser with another hand as Kazuaki crossed one arm over the other; in the motions of it all, he didn't realize that Shuu's right arm was moving as he tended to the doctor's left side. Shuu's voice came low, words dragging slowly as the doctor steadied his breath -

“You could still do it, you know."

Kazuaki immediately paused when he heard Shuu speak. Golden eyes lowered back down to the brunette's face, staring at the way that one, single violet eye gazed back up at him in a haze, observing the way he slowly licked at his lips. His eyebrows knit together tightly as he glanced over, finding Shuu's right hand holding up a discarded, dirtied, bloodied scalpel in offering to him.

"No one is here to save me. I wouldn’t fight against it.”

Kazuaki's eyes wavered. It would... It would be easy. It would be  _so easy_. Shuu was so vulnerable, right here, so weak. He was even  _giving Kazuaki permission_ to follow through with it. Had the doctor not been accepting of his fate while he was on the floor? Even now... Is this really, truly was Shuu wanted? Maybe...he had wanted this all along. For how long? For how many years? Since the fire? Before then? Perhaps since childhood? But maybe, deep down, despite all of the horrible, terrible things that Shuu did, what if he was  _too afraid_ of ending his own life? What if... Shuu's obsession with pathology, with  _murdering_ , perhaps it was all just...a way for him to cope with something he could never grant himself.

It was a terrible thing. That fear.

_'Why?'_

Shuu himself couldn’t figure out why, not to any of what was happening. He knew, somewhere in him that relied on instinct, that he shouldn’t push Kazuaki like this, not after his display before. It was obvious there was something wrong - some sort of psychiatric disorder. And yet, it was too tempting. Shuu wanted to know what he would do in such a situation; he wanted answers. 

Some small part of him pulled still,  _wanted_  Kazuaki to finish the job. It was sickening to admit, even to himself and yet…it felt right, even if his broken body screamed at him that it was wrong. The teacher had been so driven before, so very ready to carry out his wish. What had happened between then and now? Could Shuu pull it back out of him? Did the intimacy ruin the intent to kill, to harm? The doctor, of all people, found that absurd. It  _always_  made it better in his opinion.

_'Why. Why have you done all of this?'_

Kazuaki inhaled shakily as he reached out for the scalpel, gently taking it away from Shuu's palm. He turned back to his previous task, actually making use of the blade by cutting the end of the gauze so he could tape it down. But after that... His hands lowered into his lap.

A pleasant joint of panic ran through Shuu’s muddled mind as he felt the other take the scalpel form his open palm. Was this it? Was patching him up all an elaborate play? Would he do it now? Maybe throw the doctor to his side and slit his neck to bleed out all over the bed? Stab him in the heart? What would it be? How would he end it all? The doctor smirked against the pillowcase, deranged thoughts flickering back and forth as he waited. The fingers of his right hand tensed and curled against the bedsheets, eyes drifting back to shut tightly. 

_'Come on. Hurry up.'_

Shuu could hear the way Kazuaki swallowed hard in the silence of it all; he could even hear how the teacher's breathing had picked up ever so slightly. His heart was racing, his blood was humming again. Why did his eyes sting? Kazuaki looked up toward the dark ceiling, willing any tears back as he gripped the scalpel in his hand a little more tightly as his palm laid against a thigh.

"...I... I-I'm sorry.  _Isa_."

Violet eyes shot open as Shuu froze, his breath stilling the moment that name filtered into his ears, that cursed name that had echoed over and over again in his mind earlier. 

_'Isa. Isa. Isa…'_

No. No, that person was dead.  _Isa_  no longer existed. It hurt again, not his shoulder or his neck, not even his abused hips. It hurt inside this time, at his chest, horrible memories pouring back once again at the mention of that name. Memories of  _him_ , how he always said it, whispering against Shuu’s ear. Empty promises. Being abandoned. Being  _this_  now.

_'Why. Sorry? How does he know that name…?'_

A short noise sounded as he choked up before raising his hand with the blade up to his face; pressing the back of his palm against his mouth as he closed his eyes tightly, slender fingers wrapped firmly around the scalpel in a fist. His body began to tremble as he sat there next to Shuu, breathing out raggedly against his own skin.

"I'm sorry. I-'m sorry, I'm sorry."

No. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Why was Kazuaki breaking down now, when Shuu needed him to fulfill his promise, to finally end it all, to make all of the hurt disappear? Frustrated and confused, Shuu attempted to move his body but failed, none of his limbs responding to his commands. All he could do was listen, his own breath erratic and panicked - he had been so careful, no one at the school questioned him, no one ever mentioned  _that_  name, or what he did before he came here. So why… How did he know? 

Shuu was shaking again, that dreaded name chanting against his skull, taunting him of his past and what he had been, who he was now. 

“N…no. Please, Kazuaki…”

No. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It had been years. Kazuaki had kept up this charade for  _years,_ just for  _this moment_. His smiles, his gentle voice, his sweet patience with his students. Mornings spent sharing coffee with Shuu before classes, lunches in the faculty lounge. All just a part of a life he had led everybody into believing - just for this moment. Just so he could get close enough to Shuu. Just so he could take his life just as Shuu had taken Nageki's. 

His sacrifices, the burdens, the guilt, the sleepless nights, the lonely holidays, the pills, the voices in his head, his own broken heart.

It was all for nothing. Everything Kazuaki had done up to this point had become a waste. 

"I-I can't... I can't do it. N-Not like this... I-Isa. I hate you. B-But  _he..._   _He_  hates me more...  _H-He_  hates me...e-enough already. M-My forgiveness, I-I won't get it now... I-I have to wait. I have to wait. I-I have to help you live...s-so I can take your life again. S-So I can kill you. So I can kill you for  _him_.  _H-He'll_  forgive me then..." Kazuaki exhaled hard, shakily, before closing his eyes even more tightly, unable to stop a tear or two from finally falling. " _H-He'll_  forgive me... _He'll_...  _H-He'll_  be happy...  _H-He'll_  be...s-so happy once you're dead, Isa. I-I did... I did this all for  _him_. B-But I ruined...it all. I believed you. I b-believed wh-what you said...to S-Sakazaki. I-I believed...in your lies... _twice_."

_'What?'_

Shuu’s mind raced, trying to empty away dreadful memories and process all that had been said, everything that Kazuaki was giving away in his vulnerable state. Who? Who was  _he_? Why did it matter, to whoever this was, that Shuu would die properly, at the right time. Why did it matter, why not now? Shuu had practically begged without words, granted the honor of ending his life, and now, Kazuaki refused. Why?

_'Why?'_

Tired fingers dragged down the side of the bed, digging along the dirtied sheets until they felt something different, warmth barely registering against his damaged right palm. Shuu curled his fingers, grasping weakly at the cloth against Kazuaki’s thigh as he did his best to turn his head more against the pillow, still unable to make out much of the teacher's form. 

The doctor's expression was pained, eyebrows low as he frowned, breath coming out in slow panicked puffs, exhausted just from turning slightly. He tugged again, violet eyes flickering and searching - he couldn’t see Kazuaki’s face, or his expression, but he knew he was not ok.

“H-how. Do you know…that name. Who? Who is  _he_? W-who…who are you. Why.”

There was no feeling left in Kazuaki. Shuu's hand pressed against his thigh before thin fingers weakly pulled at him, but there was no sensation; and if there was, it was much too far away. He couldn't even register the fact that he was finally beginning to shut down; having exerted way too much energy in such a short amount of time. But he struggled to remain awake. His eyes slowly reopened, but without his red frames Shuu was unable to see the way Kazuaki's golden hues twitched and moved rapidly and quickly from behind half-closed lids. 

How had it come to this? What time was it? Were they in trouble for missing the meeting? What about his class? None of these things crossed his mind as he remained sitting where he was, at the edge of the blood-stained medical bed; eyes staring down at the brunette who was trying desperately to gaze back up at him.

He gave a slow shake of his head at Shuu's words.

"Wh-Who am I?" There was a pause before Kazuaki let out another small noise, sniffling against the back of his palm. "N-No, no... B-But you know... Y-You know who I am. I know...th-that you do, Isa... Y-You wanted m--"

' _Hitori._ '

Kazuaki's face quickly turned to his left as his words fell away, eyes widening before staring back out into the area of the infirmary that both he and Shuu currently faced from the opening in the medical curtain. But his gaze still trembled, twitching and jerking in every direction; unable to focus on any one particular thing. But it was obvious from the way his body tensed up beneath Shuu's palm that something had completely taken hold of his attention. Kazuaki brought his fist away from his face, lowering it to settle on top of Shuu's hand as he remained grasping the scalpel tightly.

The doctor could feel Kazuaki’s leg tense below his palm, and then the gentle fist on top of his own, the warmth and weight hardly registering to Shuu’s confused mind. What could he possibly mean by it - that Shuu knew who he was. All he knew was the teacher; all he knew was Kazuaki that sat inches away. 

Kazuaki released a shaky breath, sounding both relieved and terrified at the same time.

"O-Oh, hello, Nageki. Did you come to see us...? Th-This is the first time you've seen us...together like this...isn't it?"

This was a common occurrence - this little visit. It happened nearly every night. Every night for five years. But it had never happened in the infirmary before, at least not like this.

_'Nagged. No. That’s not right. He’s…'_

Despite knowing full well that Nageki had no possibility of being in the room, Shuu’s mind wend on full alert as he strained to hear any movement, any hint that anyone else had been with them other than Yuuya. No. That couldn’t possibly be. No one else was here… Shuu felt no other presence. He  _knew_  Nageki wasn’t here, could never possibly be in this room again. He knew what had happened. He knew it intimately. So why… Why would Kazuaki, of all people, call out that name. Why would he think the student was here? How did he even know that name…

Kazuaki could still smell it every time; fire and smoke and the undeniable stench of burning flesh. It was a fragrance that came and went, but only when he could  _see_ Nageki. It was a figure unlike any other and unmistakable at that. Short; charred; still smoldering, bleeding,  _pained_. Of course Nageki would look this way. He was angry and hurt. He hated Kazuaki for what he had allowed to happen to him under Isa's care. He hated Kazuaki for not coming back to him in time. He hated Kazuaki for letting himself die in one of the most painful ways imaginable.

Alone and afraid.

' _Tell him._ '

Quickly, Kazuaki looked away. His fist on top of Shuu's hand tightened.

"I-I can't..."

Shuu frowned, fingers tightening around his grasp at Kazuaki’s leg, trying desperately to gain his attention but to no avail. It was pointless without his glasses but he could feel the teacher's body move, small shifts alerting Shuu that he was looking around, or avoiding looking where he was a moment ago.

“K…Kazuaki. You can’t what? Who are you talking to? It's only us here.”

The figure began to step closer. Kazuaki's heart began to race even faster, his breathing picking up as he heard a slow stride echo in his own mind; burning embers being crushed and sparking beneath every step taken forward toward him. Raising a bleeding palm that was nearly burned away entirely, the figure settled its touch right upon Kazuaki's left shoulder. Shuu could feel the way the entire bed flinched as Kazuaki jerked in fear, reeling as he raised his hand back up to his face as his eyes widened; colors wavering and twitching even more quickly. 

But what or who was he trying to flee from?

There was no one in the infirmary but the two of them.

That flinch, rocking the bed with a jolt, the teacher's body reacting quickly to…whatever it was he was experiencing. Shuu’s tired mind had no energy to try and diagnose what was happening, especially with his sight hindered - it would be impossible. So he waited, hoping that Kazuaki would be able to get to the next point - perhaps supply some sort of hint or answer for the confused doctor.

' _Tell him, Hitori. Tell him who you are. Tell him that you came to find him, just for me. Tell him that you came to kill him, just for me._ '

"Hitori?" Kazuaki choked out, broken. His chest heaved, trying to breathe past thick smoke that didn't exist. "N-No, no... I don't, I don't go by that name anymore. E-Except for you, N-Nageki."

' _Tell him._ '

Shuu could see nothing. No figure, no shadow, no movement except from Kazuaki himself. It was all in the teacher's mind, his half-awake state being pushed farther past the point of sanity and control.

_'Hitori? Nageki... His brother? He was the one who brought him to us…back then.'_

Shuu frowned, his mind swirling helplessly as he tried to piece the small parts back together from what he had just heard. None of it made sense. Nageki was dead. Hiitori too…was dead. Why would Kazuaki have anything to do with them in the first place? Why did he say that he did not go by that name…anymore…unless.

Violet eyes darted up to the space he was sure must be Kazuaki’s face, yet still unable to make out his expression. How could…Hitori and Kazuaki be the same? 

"N-Nageki..." Another soft whimper, a pleading tone. "Pl-Please... May I sleep? I-I promise, I still promise...t-to kill him. I promise t-to kill Isa. I promise. B-But I'm so... I-I'm so tired..." Kazuaki's voice was weak and he sounded exhausted, begging with someone who wasn't even there. "Please... P-Please, Nageki. I-I want to sleep. Let's sl-sleep, together. Yo-You're both here, with me. Th-This is my favorite...place in th-the whole school. B-Because you're both...a-always here. I-I sleep... I sleep the best...when I'm here... T-This is my favorite...bed... B-Because it's the closest...t-to Isa...a-and to the windows..."

_'Isa. Nageki. Hitori. Is he hallucinating? He’s not…talking to me.'_

“Kazuaki. Kazuaki… Can you hear me?”

How? How could they be the same person? Shuu wasn’t betting on his memory to be accurate in the moment, but he did know that Hitori and Kazuaki did not look the same… The eyes? Different hues…and the hair...that did not match at all…except…earlier, when he had been looming over Shuu sprawled across the desk. Did that mean…

' _Hitori_.'

"Pl-Please! I want to sleep! I-I just want to sleep! I-I've hurt him, c-can't you see, Nageki?!" Kazuaki was ever so slightly rocking where he sat, still unable to look over his shoulder and back at the shadow. A few stray tears managed to fall past his eyes, running down his cheeks to drip slowly down onto the back of Shuu's palm that remained on his thigh. The doctor felt something wet and hot drop down to his hand, slowly dripping further until it dissolved into the cloth below. Violet eyes flickered down, noting the lack of red. Tears. Was he…crying? "A-Are you happy? E-Even just...j-just a little bit? Did I-I make you happy?... I-I promise... I-I promise to make him suffer e-even worse n-next time! I promise, I-I will kill him, for you, I-I will finish it, I'll, I'll make you... I-I'll let you w-watch him die...j-just like he watched you. B-But... But I-I have to...to sleep first... N-Nageki. Please..."

_'Revenge? Is that it? I suppose that's not…surprising.'_

Shuu let an exhausted breath go, fingers tugging again at Kazuaki’s leg. There seemed to be no solid way to get through to him now - he wouldn’t answer any of Shuu’s prompts and he was obviously too far gone in his own conversation with what he thought was Nageki. Shuu scolded himself mentally - he should have paid more attention, looked closer at Kazuaki’s records…something. There must have been something he missed. And now…well, that didn’t matter much. Even in his crazed state, Kazuaki…Hitori…whoever he was, still pleaded to keep their vicious promise…still wanted Shuu to die.

_'Ah. This morning has been a bit much, all at once. Maybe after I get some rest…'_

Kazuaki still couldn't bring himself to look back at the medical curtain. Instead, he let out another soft noise; raising his palm higher to rub at his eyes before he finally,  _finally,_ returned his attention to Shuu. He reached out, his touch shaky, as he slid his free hand up along the doctor's arm. His eyes were begging, his lips pulled into a deep frown as his eyebrows curled together. 

Shuu would help him. Shuu would help him sleep; Shuu had helped him sleep before, many times. Right here in the infirmary, in fact. 

The infirmary was a safe place for him. 

' _Hitori, Hitori, Hitori._ '

The shadow's touch began to burn at Kazuaki's shoulder, stepping even closer to begin trying to wrap the blonde around in a darkness that was forcing his vision to black in and out. Kazuaki pulled gently on Shuu's arm, as if trying to pull the doctor closer to him, his attempts becoming more desperate with each tug.

He wanted that contact, he  _needed_ that contact. Why couldn't he feel it? Why couldn't he feel that way Shuu's skin was against his own? Why did he feel so far away?

' _Weak, weak, weak._ '

No, Shuu always saved him. Isa didn't. Isa never saved  _anyone_. B-But Shuu was here... Kazuaki knew that Shuu was still here, somewhere, somewhere next to Isa.

The doctor’s hand stilled, the faint traces of fingertips against his right arm barely coming through as his eyes struggled to make out the teachers quiet movements. Pulling, tugging now, against his weak frame. Did he want help finally? Was…Nageki gone? Shuu ran his cold fingers along the spot on Kazuaki’s thigh he had been grasping; a small attempt to console, as much as his body was willing to give. 

“Kazuaki. Kazuaki?”

"W-We can...we can all...fall sleep together...right now, y-yes? Pl-Please? Please..." His voice dropped again, a whisper that trembled; full of fear, full of misery. "Pl-Please, h-help me sleep... I-Iwamine... I-I'll kill...I'll kill Isa...another time...  _I promise_."

_'No. I’m not getting through to him still. I need to…'_

_'Isa. You’re smarter than that, you know. Stop thinking so much, just react.'_

Shuu closed his eyes once more, fingers giving one last squeeze against Kazuaki’s thigh as he released a tired sigh against the pillow beneath, hand dropping to his side.

“Hitori, Please lay down."

The touch at Shuu's arm suddenly stilled, long fingers curled around the doctor's bare bicep firmly. Kazuaki's chest caved on itself; no longer able to breathe as the sound of that name reached his darkened mind. A voice he knew but had never heard  _this way_ before. Soft and passive, no lingering note of hatred or wrath.

"I’m…too tired. I’ll keep your promise. Isa will too."

It was soothing, Shuu's voice. Kazuaki's vision faded in and out again as smoke filled his lungs even more; a soft caress along the side of his face that he was only imagining, burning at his skin.

' _He's lying, Hitori. He always lies. Isa always lies._ '

His tall form began to tremble all over, gently at first, before becoming more severe. Fresh tears rose up to his panic-stricken eyes, the colors still twitching with random movement. He couldn't focus on Shuu, not like this, not with Nageki wrapping himself around him, but Kazuaki could  _feel_ him there beneath the tips of his fingers. He could  _hear_  him. Kazuaki choked out a breath before raising his hand up to his face, laying his palm across his mouth as his other hand turned to drop the scalpel. The blade hit the floor below them, a sharp noise ringing out across the silence of the darkened infirmary which made Kazuaki flinch outwardly. 

Invisible lips at his ear now; whispering such tragic things, filling his head with nonsense and violence.

But again, Shuu cut through it all again.

"We will…wait for you, together. Now…come on. Aren’t you tired? I am. I’m so tried, of…it all.”

Tired, so tired. Kazuaki was so tired of it all, too. All of this rage and anger and guilt; this  _misery_.

Shuu would wait for him? Even after all he had done? That would... That would be so nice. That would be nice to have someone waiting for him...like this. Coming home to no one. Sharing dinner with no one. Going to bed with no one. No one was ever there, not anymore...except Nageki. He could always count on Nageki... Nageki was always there with him, every day and every night.

But...  _Oh_ , how it would be so nice to sleep next to someone, calmly, rather than in fear and with restless dreams of blood and fire and screams. The warmth of another body next to his own, rather than a nonexistent inferno that engulfed him and his bed. 

"I-I am..." he managed out in reply to Shuu, his voice breaking again, "I am  _so tired_."

It was hard to see now and the shadow was still at his ear, screaming at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry,  _I'm sorry_."

Kazuaki's movements were unstable and weak, but Shuu could feel him trying to crawl up onto the bed. Tears still ran down his face and apologies fell past his lips almost in a chant; it hurt. Every move he made was absolute  _torture_. The voice in his head continued to shriek and wail, telling him to stop, telling him that Isa was lying, telling him that he was no good, that he'd kill Nageki  _again_ just by doing this. Kazuaki hoisted himself up farther onto the bed the entire time, trying to overcome and push past the paralyzing guilt that was once again pooling into the void where a heart once laid.

Shuu was about to protest, sooth Kazuaki with his words and affirm to him that it was ok, and that he did not need to be sorry but the movement against the bed stilled his mouth. It was slow, as if he were struggling to crawl against a high wind, as if moving itself was painful. The doctor could do nothing but wait and listen, his own body too far gone to assist. At least now he was listening; he had responded to Shuu’s call at the mention of his true name.

Shuu could feel the mattress shifting, feel the top half of his body lifted. Kazuaki was still whispering to himself. He let soft whispers fill the air for the teacher, those gentle yet murderous hands coming around his frame once more to tug away from the limited heat he had created on the beds sheets. Shuu closed his eyes - he didn’t want to see what was happening anymore, or to feel it seep into his tired bones. He was moving, and he had no control, Kazuaki’s crazed chants the only sound echoing in his ears. 

The thin sheets of the medical bed were pulled up, over their legs, then up to their waists. Long arms wound around Shuu's thin, frail form, adjusting their positions as the teacher laid down partially onto his back so that the doctor could rest against Kazuaki; this way Shuu's injury on the back of his left shoulder could face the ceiling, free of any potential pressure against it. Both faced one another mostly on their sides with Shuu laying half-way on top of Kazuaki's chest, crowded together in the small bed that was only ever meant for one person. The blankets were pulled up higher, to their shoulders, as Kazuaki tucked Shuu's head beneath his chin and wrapped his much taller, larger form around the brunette securely with their legs tangled together; his natural warmth enveloping the brunette's body. 

Once he had stilled, Shuu felt something much better - warmth. His eyes cracked open, trouble focusing at first before he realized he was partially on top of Kazuaki, the source of the warmth being his own body. He was trapped now, between strong arms and tucked sheets, the rise and fall of the teacher's chest the only constant thing he was sure of at the moment.

It was nice. Comforting, even if it might be false. There was no way to trust this person any longer, not after all that had happened, not after it was exposed that he was someone else. And yet, Shuu couldn’t bring himself to care about any of that, the panicked thoughts locked away in his mind for a time later he would hopefully wake up to. 

Tears still continued to fall but were rapidly becoming much more quiet as he settled down. Kazuaki slowly pet at the space between Shuu's shoulder-blades, mostly just to feel his flesh and anchor himself back down to as much of reality as he possibly could. The shadow was fading away as Shuu breathed against him; a heartbeat against his chest knocking at the edges of his mind, replacing unstable screams with a steady, solid rhythm. Kazuaki's eyes roamed across the curtain above them, flitting here and there as lids slowly fell shut. He pressed his face further into Shuu's hair, inhaling his scent.

Shuu felt those dreadful hands once more on his skin, although they hardly seemed threatening in this position. It was calming, it was dangerous, but Shuu felt himself relax against Kazuaki’s form, the weight of his head finally sinking against the warm chest below. Even in his partially alive state, Shuu could feel the steady slowing of Kazuaki’s heart, finally evening out to a reasonable beat as they both let themselves go, content in the warmth that was trapped between their bodies.

" _Isa_..." Kazuaki whispered, slow and weak; last, gentle words before darkness would overwhelm him for good. "...We'll keep...our promise, too..."

It wasn’t normal - to be like this, after what had just happened. But then again, neither of them were very normal either, both still shrouded in the darkness of their pasts, unspeakable things they had done to find answers to problems that plagued them. Shuu was still uncertain how Hitori had become Kazuaki, or when it had all fallen into place, but he would tackle that later, whenever his body decided to wake. If it ever would.

_'A promise?'_

To feel so fulfilled at such a thing. To be so sure that Kazuaki would follow through with it.

Shuu drifted his left palm up, watching his blurry arm move and pause, fingers curling around Kazuaki’s right shoulder and then close to his neck. Violet eyes drifted shut; he couldn’t bother to be worried about the state of the infirmary. 

Hopefully Yuuya would find them first.

A whisper pushed through the doctor's exhausted lips, unknowing if the sound ever actually traveled far enough for Hitori’s ears.

“Thank you.”


	6. I'm Here To Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm here to stay,  
> Bring it down  
> I'm here to stay,  
> Bring it down
> 
> Gonna break it down  
> Gonna break it  
> Gonna break it down
> 
> GONNA BREAK IT

Sakuya huffed, brushing light blue bangs to the side as he pulled open the front door to the school, his private chauffeured transportation pulling away from the front steps.

Personally, he didn’t think any of that was needed here, especially after he had been established as a student for this long. Then again, the thought of taking any sort of public transport sent an unpleasant shiver down his spine, so the young heir never fought against it. Furthermore, no one of his family ever questioned his arrival time - they probably were unaware of the school’s schedule and when classes truly started in the morning.

There was no need for Sakuya to make an excuse in that case, if no on ever asked why he arrived forty-five minutes early. It was never for any academic reason; he slipped through the front doors undetected by anyone each time for his own personal need, skilled fingers toying with the music room key in his front pocket.

He walked slowly with purpose, the sound of his short heeled leather shoes clicking softly against the polished floor. As usual the overhead lights were still turned off in the hallways, leaving everything looking rather somber with the only source of illumination coming from the windows where bleak grey clouds threatened across the sky.

It wasn’t very difficult to convince them - Dr. Iwamine and Kazuaki. There was no music club. Sakuya preferred the mornings over staying late after school. Both faculty members were always here when he arrived, although the student rarely saw either of them lingering in the empty halls. He was trusted, especially from the doctor, not to take advantage of his special treatment; the key granting him access to what he could never do at his home…at any of the family's houses in fact.

Yes. Shuu trusted him, vouching even when Kazuaki started to question why he would need to practice in the morning instead of after school. The doctor…

Sakuya froze, his head turning to the left to peer down the darkened hallway there, no windows available to give any view past the first few doors on each side. He was sure he had heard it - a door shutting quickly, hinges creaking in protest. This hall was…

Dr. Iwamine never shut his door like that, even when clearly exasperated by visits from unwanted students. He was short with his words of course, but he never slammed his own door, he simply let it swing quick to the frame, lock sliding into place easily. Perhaps it wasn’t from his door…somewhere else, maybe Kazauaki was in a different classroom?

Sakuya didn’t wait to find out; his head whipped back to the front as he hurried slightly faster down the hallway, blue eyes flickering up to the sign above the door of his destination.

Fingers tightened around the key still hiding in his pocket as he heard it - quick footsteps coming from the hall he had passed just moments ago. Who? Who would be walking like that? The doctor never ran anywhere and neither did his teacher. Sakuya was certain now that it couldn’t be either of them, his pulse starting to pick up as he willed his feet to move quicker but still remain contained and quiet. Maybe whoever it was would just go the other direction, leave him alone…he had no business with anyone at this hour.

Finally, he stood in front of the music room, eyes focused on the windowed door in front of him as he pulled the key out, noticing the slight tremble in his hand as he did so. Sakuya could still hear it, footsteps coming, closer and closer, but then nothing.

They had stopped?

He turned back then, curious as to why the sound had suddenly stopped only to find his brother staring back at him from the opening of the hall he had just traveled down, his form hidden in the grey darkness of the clouds. Light blue eyes widened in surprise, not expecting to see  _him_  of all people at this hour, especially not like  _this_. Sakuya frowned, eyes flickering over his brother’s form, noticing his heavy breath now, his eyes…

_'Something is wrong.'_

Sakuya panicked, head turning back to the door as his eyes focused down to the brass handle, using both hands now to steady the key. Why was it so hard now? Sakuya kept missing, the echoing sound of metal sliding on metal taunting him each time as he breathed heavily through his nose, attempting to calm himself and at least look like he wasn’t alarmed by Yuuya’s presence. Again, those footsteps; he knew his brother was following now. Something was horribly wrong and from that quick glance Sakuya had allowed, the split second their eyes had met, he knew he wanted nothing to do with it.

_'Come on! I’ve opened this door so many times before with no issue!'_

Closer, Yuuya was probably so close now. He could hear him, he was saying something, attempting to not be loud but for Sakuya to hear him. The younger brother ignored it, fingers finally steadying enough to get the key into the lock. He turned it swiftly, the latch clicking out of place to let the door open wide, exposing the dark room to the hallway. 

Sakuya rushed forward, legs shaking as panic rippled through his body, fingers tugging the key out of the lock and throwing it to the floor inside, the noise ringing in his ears. Spinning on his heels, Sakuya reached to grab the door, pushing with all his strength to get it to reach the frame so he could lock himself away, ignore whatever Yuuya was about come to him about. 

The door protested against the abuse, almost reaching the frame to lock, just a few more inches and…

Sakuya had tried hard to run but it was all in vain. His safe haven was just on the other side but Yuuya's steps had been far too quick.

Yuuya's shoulder suddenly met with the door hard as he winced, feeling Sakuya's force from the other side of it. The older of the pair had been worried he might not have been fast enough to make it here before Sakuya closed the door on him; but with how he felt now, he was willing to even stick his fingers  _into_ the doorway if it meant prohibiting the door from being shut and locked. He breathed out past his nose as his eyes narrowed, teeth gritting as he pushed back against Sakuya. He knew full well that his little brother paid no mind to any sort of physical activity so as much strength as Yuuya was putting behind his pushing was entirely overkill.

Sakuya was far from strong - at least in the physical sense. All his strength was elsewhere - his mind, his talents, the ways in which he knew how to be proper. Try as he might against Yuuya, there was no way he could have won in pushing against the door. It shoved back against him easily, opening quickly as if his brother had barely exerted any force. 

It wasn't a long struggle. Sakuya surrendered almost too easily. The younger gave up, feet shifting back a few steps, fingers clenched into fists at his sides as he stared Yuuya down despite his height, an angry frown across his lips. Yuuya steeled himself when he felt the weight of his brother vanish, preventing him from falling forward into the music room. Shaky breaths were exhaled as he closed his eyes, one hand moving to rest on the doorknob as the other fell beside him. He stared down at the floor beneath his feet, knowing that Sakuya could partially see half of his head from the narrow window in the door itself; Hell, he could _feel_ the glare of those beautiful eyes that matched his own burn with hatred right into him.

Yuuya turned his face slowly; stared back at Sakuya with one somber, tear-stained eye from the window.

Sakuya was frightened by how his brother looked against the door frame, but he wasn’t about to let him know that.

Blue eyes glared up defiantly, meeting with Yuuya’s own.

“What? What do you want, _Sakazaki_? What could possibly be so important that you must chase me down a hallway when I am obviously busy!”

"Sakuya."

Yuuya's tone was firm but gentle. He swallowed hard, knowing how he appeared; feeling every wound on his body burn and scream at him. His intention had been to shower and make himself presentable before seeking Sakuya out, but to have found him on his way to the gym showers had entirely wiped that thought from the forefront of his mind. The school lights had still not turned on and with the weather so dark and grey, Yuuya wasn't exactly sure how much of himself Sakuya had seen in the shadows of the darkened hallway. He was covered in blood; his own and Shuu's. Sakuya had a right to be scared - anyone else would have assumed Yuuya had just committed some kind of murder. Just like Shuu, students always had suspicions of Yuuya for a various amount of reasons. He never answered questions directly and any sort of accusation made against him or the doctor were deflected and the conversation was turned into something else; it was far easier with girls, who Yuuya could simply charm and flatter, but he knew how to work his way around the guys, too. It was difficult, that much he had come to know since he came to the school to investigate three years ago. He had been briefed heavily beforehand, but nothing had prepared him for the scrutiny even  _he_ had come to know simply by working in close proximity of the doctor - who often times didn't really do himself any favors either.

The younger of the two brothers waited, knowing well what that tone meant, learning quickly at a young age that he should listen to Yuuya when he sounded like that. If he didn’t, it usually meant something bad for him; it was how he sounded when Sakuya was in need of protection, even if he was unaware of when or why. His frown remained however, fingers tightening in his fists as he refused to move, mind wandering to wonder why Yuuya was taking so long in the doorway - he should come in or get out, not waste time away like this.

"Sakuya, listen to me." Yuuya's grip on the doorknob tightened, but his hold was trembling; he didn't break eye contact with the other, tone becoming more authoritative. "I'm going to come in there and when I do, do not make a sound when you see me. Do not scream. Do not shout. Do you understand me? I need to get out of the hallway before anyone else shows up. If they see me like this..."

This wasn't how he wanted to present himself to Sakuya. Not like this. Not covered in blood and tears and disheveled. Not emotionally drained, not angry and guilt-ridden.

Delicate fingers released, Sakuya’s head tilting to the side in confusion at what he just heard as his eyes narrowed. Why would he scream upon seeing his own brother? Who else would see him in the hallway? Why would it matter? He didn’t understand any of it, but he knew on instinct that it was most likely not something positive from the way Yuuya had desperately chased him down the hall. They didn’t do this at school together - even after all that had happened, even after what Sakuya had learned, they both agreed to continue here as they had before - it would look suspicious if they didn’t.

Yuuya gave Sakuya a moment to prepare himself before he reached out, one hand curling around the edge of the doorway. The blood on his fingers and hand had long since dried up, but it would at least give Sakuya a small idea of what to expect. 

“Yuuya. What are you talking about?” Sakuya’s voice came out cracked, angry and confused and simply not wanting to deal with the reality of the situation. “You know we can’t….we aren’t supposed to  _talk_  here. You shouldn’t even be this close, why are you…”

Sakuya froze, his sentence ending abruptly as his eyes darted to Yuuya’s bloodied fingers against the doorframe.

Yuuya swallowed hard again before pushing the door open, stepping one foot inside and then the other slowly. But instead of a look of malice upon his face - of a predator's gaze upon the prey he had just cornered - there was anguish. Yuuya's eyes were still tear-stained, eyebrows knit together tightly, and a frown tugging on his nude lips as he stepped into the room entirely. The two lacerations beneath either collarbone were visible as his shirt hung open and his tie loose, trails of blood dried upon his skin. The stab wound at his bicep was partially hidden beneath his cut sleeve, but his white shirt did nothing to hide the blood that had soaked into the fabric around it. The crimson color was also dried near the bottom of his nose, smeared to the side over one cheek. Hands, shirt, face, neck, chest - it was all colored a deep, dark scarlet hue.

Sakuya watched in curious horror as his older brother stepped into the room finally, his body facing forward for Sakuya to finally see.

Blood. Cuts. Damaged clothing. A shaking hand came up to his face, clamping over his mouth as he stepped back once, unable to believe what he was seeing. Why? How could this happen? At the school…so early?

No. No. 

Blue eyes flickered to Yuuya’s open shirt, gazing over each precise cut on his collar bones, then darting to the side, the perfect white of his sleeve ruined, deep red soaking through there. Why? What had happened? Why did he look like this?

No. 

The door shut slowly and gently, confirming it was locked with a soft 'click' behind Yuuya. Turning away from Sakuya just once, he raised an arm for the curtain at the top of the door and tugged it down to cover the small window. Each of the classrooms had one for privacy and to cut out any distractions from the hallway or prevent other students from looking in.

Sakuya attempted to collect himself, his breath sending irregular puffs against his hand at his mouth, as he watched Yuuya draw the curtain over the door’s window. The soft click of the lock reached his ears and he began to panic again, gaze shifting quickly to the back door that shared the same wall as the front. He could, perhaps…if he moved fast enough.

But he couldn’t. Sakuya found himself glued to the floor, a slow tremble in his legs starting at his knees as Yuuya turned back to face him once more.

"...S-Sakuya..." Yuuya finally breathed out again, turning his face back to his brother as tears formed at his lashes again, both arms falling down to his sides.

Sakuya’s palm dropped from his mouth, heels clacking against the floor as he stepped back further, his right hand reaching out to the side as he braced himself against the wall, fingers just barely reaching.

The fear in Sakuya's eyes wasn't hidden from Yuuya. His older brother saw it all, watched as abhorrence fell over Sakuya's beautiful face, soon hidden partially by a hand that covered his mouth. It was a lot to take in. Yuuya could only imagine what he looked like; he hadn't past any mirrors and he had not bothered to look at any reflections in a passing windows. But he could feel it all, the way blood stuck to him, his injuries burning, how disheveled and disgusting his hair and skin appeared. Under no circumstance should he have  _ever_ presented himself to Sakuya this way. There was no reason to, not when his little brother was so pure; Sakuya didn't need to be subjected to something like this, regardless as to why. 

Sakuya was trembling; Yuuya could see that, too. All that the older of the pair could do was remain by the door as other continued to slowly step backward, until his back met with the wall opposite of where Yuuya stood. 

“D...don’t. Don’t come near me. Not like that. I...I don’t want to know. I don’t want you to pull me into whatever this is. It’s not fair, Yuuya. It’s not! You can’t expect me to just…I can’t. Please, just…don’t.”

"S-Sakuya! Please,  _listen to me_ ," Yuuya began, but stopped once his brother tore his attention away from him.

Sakuya frowned, his gaze ripping away from Yuuya in anger, none of the situation making sense. Where…where did?

_'Iwamine’s office.'_

Finally, Yuuya took several steps forward to close the very obvious gap between them but stopped short when Sakuya flinched before raising his face indignantly toward him. Sakuya’s eyes narrowed, rage and confusion swelling forth as glared at Yuuya’s broken form in front of him. 

“Where did you come from? Was it the infirmary? I know what's down that hall, don’t you dare lie to me, Sakazaki. What did…you do? Where is the doctor? Answer me!”

His hand against the right wall curled into a fist, despite still being afraid of what could have happened to his brother, or why he would feel the need to involve Sakuya in it all.

Yuuya's balance faltered. He took half a step back as his arms fell back down to either side of himself, eyes still fallen over Sakuya's form. Any strength he had in himself was completely gone in that moment as Sakuya spoke, as his brother formed a fist against the wall, as he continued to glare back into colors that matched his very own. 

What had he done? Where was the doctor?

"P-Pourquoi...voudriez-vous me demander ça? (Why would you ask me that?)"

His tone was brittle; ready to shatter. Yuuya's eyebrows knit together as his lips lifted again, shoulders rising as he swallowed hard.

“Quoi? (What?)” Sakuya frowned, confusion running across his face, about to angrily retort to his brother but stopped as Yuuya began to speak once more.

"I-Iwamine...H-He told me... He said..." Yuuya was breaking. Sakuya could hear it; he could see it. He didn't even bother holding back any of the tears that had began to fall as he gaze right back at his brother, one hand rising to clutch at his shirt just above his heart. "H-He told me...that he  _touched you_. Th-That he  _laid a single finger on you_. A-After he p-promised...me that he wouldn't... Th-That he would  _never_  s-so long as I-I gave him...wh-what he wanted... He... I-I couldn't... Th-This whole time, I had... J-Je n'en avais au-aucune idée. (I had no idea.)"

Sakuya stared, blue eyes watching in shock as his older brother began to cry, fresh tears dripping down his tired face as he confessed it all, every last filthy word sinking deep. He looked away, eyes landing on a patch of floor in front of his feet, trying to control the panic and embarrassment that was creeping through his body now.

The doctor had promised,  _promised_  that he would say nothing about that one time. Once. It had only been once. The memory of embarrassment was hard enough to deal with, and now with Yuuya speaking of it, saying it out loud…it was so much worse. He, of all people, was not supposed to learn of that incident. Sakuya didn’t want his brother to think of him in that way…that…that Sakuya would like things like that. That he was brought up to…react in such ways.

Furthermore, that wasn’t the full truth of what happened. It was Sakuya’s fault anyway, that sinful, pained moan had slipped from his lips before he could cover his hands to his mouth, eyes wide and scared as Shuu paused in applying the antibacterial ointment to the skinned spot on his knee. The doctor had watched Sakuya’s face, saw the immediate red tint across his cheeks and the shame of being caught, blue eyes looking away quickly. He had said nothing at first, but Sakuya caught that knowing smirk plastered across his thin lips when he finally brought his eyes back. It was gone quickly, Shuu’s voice filling the empty air around them. 

_'Who was it? Who taught you such things Shirogane?'_

It tore Yuuya apart, it truly did. The sacrifices Yuuya had offered in return for Sakuya's safety - how had it not been enough? Was it because his body wasn't good enough? Was it  _because_ Sakuya was so innocent in all of this, that it made his blood that much more precious and that much more desired to see spilled? His stomach churned just thinking about it, imagining everything that had been done to him bestowed upon his little brother. The words, the touches and caresses, the pain, the insults, the reprimands, the punishments. Yuuya took no solace in the idea that perhaps Sakuya had even been praised in any of it, if he took it all without fuss.

Yuuya's hand flexed several times, there against his heart; as if trying to wrap it around his fingers, trying to grasp hold of it, to calm it, to offer it to Sakuya? Yuuya didn't quite know himself - but it was breaking, fractured far too much under the weight of everything. It was falling apart, it was collapsing. He could hardly breathe now, his blood suddenly running cold as his eyebrows curled together harder and his tears ran more freely.

"I hurt him. S-Sakuya."

Blue eyes shifted back up to look to Yuuya’s face, Sakuya pushing the painful memory away as his brother began to speak once more.

"I... I r-retaliated... I hurt him. For h-hurting you. ...But he lied... A-And he told... H-He told me th-that it wasn't...th-that it wasn't  _him_  who touched you. I...It..."

' _We'll be a perfect family._   _Just do as your new father says, Yuuya. It's hard, I know, but we'll be a happy family if you don't fight with him. I'll love you twice as much, because he doesn't.'_

_'Yuuya... I'm sorry, but you can't see your new baby brother right now...'_

_'Yuuya... I'm sorry, but his father says he doesn't want you near him...'_

_'Yuuya... You can't sleep in Sakuya's room. You have to stay on your side of the mansion... You know his father doesn't like you being so close to him. He'll be angry with you if you are... Do you want more bruises?'_

_'Yuuya... Please stop trying to speak with Sakuya... I know it's hard, but you have to understand that it's hard for Sakuya, too. His father doesn't want him speaking to you... He'll give you more lickings if you don't listen...'_

' _Yuuya... His father found instruments in Sakuya's room again...and he wants to see you... I'm sorry...'_

Yuuya trembled hard, unable to tear contact away from Sakuya. He breathed out, shakily, more tears suddenly running down his face. He didn't care how he looked; he didn't care if this made him appear weak. He raised one hand to rest over his mouth, eyes wavering. There was fear in them; but there was also  _guilt_.

"...S-Sakuya. J-Je...suis désolé. (I'm sorry.)"

Sakuya could hear his heartbeat loud in his own ears, fear creeping up his spine. That didn’t make any sense…why would Yuuya hurt Shuu, especially after he told him the truth? Sakuya knew the truth - Shuu hadn’t touched him that day, not anymore than any other doctor would have. Why would he lie? Did he make Yuuya think it was him? But why…

“Y…Yuuya, je ne comprends pas… (I don’t understand...)"

Yuuya inhaled before swallowing hard, gazing back at his brother with nothing but devotion despite the falling tears, despite the guilt, despite the heartbreak, despite how he stood there covered in blood, despite it all. 

And he kept his hand right over his own destroyed, dirtied heart.

His voice then dropped to a very fragile whisper.

"...J-Je vais l-le tuer. Pour toi. Pour nous. (I'm going to kill him. For you. For us.)"

Blue eyes widened as Yuuya’s declaration sunk in, Sakuya’s fist tightening against the wall, trying to steady himself against the fresh wave of panic and fear. He could feel his eyes well up, attempting to fight against the threat of tears; watching Yuuya like this was enough to make him want to break down. It was hard enough already…and now all of this…

Sakuya’s voice came out frightened and tense, eyes darting away, unable to look at his older brother.

“…Quoi? Qui? (...What? Who?) Yuuya. Stop! I…I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t know about any of this, ok? Just…stop. Dr. Iwamine didn’t do anything…no one touched me, ok? I’m fine. Just drop it. Whatever happened to you just now…I don’t want anything to do with this, ok? Je…Je dois partir… (I... I have to go)"

Sakuya pushed away from the wall, not once meeting Yuuya’s gaze now, knowing that his eyes alone would hurt his own heart. Sakuya wasn’t a child anymore - he couldn’t expect his brother to protect him from everything…especially _that_ , especially after Yuuya had _left_ …

He didn’t want Yuuya to know. Not now. Not about  _that._  It was far too personal, too embarrassing. Too shameful. Sakuya didn’t want his brother to see him like that. Not ever.

He forced his shaking legs to move, turning to the left, eyes locked to the rarely used back door of the music room that was tucked beyond the cabinets along the right wall.

No. No, no.

Yuuya's eyes slowly widened as he watched the way Sakuya twisted away on the ball of his foot, pushing himself from off the wall to begin making his way across the room. But the only door to the music room was behind him and... He stopped, following Sakuya's line of sight to find another door partially behind a row of lockers and cabinets. His younger brother's steps were shaking, so Sakuya had not covered much ground by the time Yuuya was forcing himself forward. His heart was racing and panic still pumped through his veins, adrenaline being the only thing that helped his basic motor skills function.

"S-Sakuya! You  _do_ know! You do!" he called after him, steps trembling at first.

“Don’t. Don’t follow me.”

Sakuya’s heart pounded loudly in his ears as he finally got his legs moving, feet tripping and catching on a few desks along his way. He only able to keep out of Yuuya’s reach due to his head start while his older brother took precious moments to figure out where he was going. Closer now, he could see the door, dust settled along the ridge of the window and doorknob. His hand reached out, trembling as he did not dare to look back to see exactly where his brother was in the room. 

Reaching one hand out, Yuuya shoved a desk from out of his way as he rounded the row of desks and chairs. The legs screeched along the floor before knocking into another desk with enough force to send it falling to the ground with a loud crash. His steps hurried, one arm extending out so that he could grasp hold of his brother by his wrist. Sakuya couldn't make it to the exit; he  _couldn't_. Yuuya anchored himself as he locked his legs, inhaling as he quickly jerked Sakuya backward then spun him around until either of them faced one another - and before his younger brother could even  _dream_ of pushing the older one away, Yuuya pressed Sakuya up into the lockers with enough force to pin him into place.

Sakuya was suddenly exceptionally disoriented as he felt his body involuntarily move back and spin, blue eyes open in surprise as he suddenly stared Yuuya in the face. Shaking hands started to creep up between them but before they could even touch against Yuuya he felt his back hit the frame of a locker, the slam echoing in the room sounding much more painful than it actually had been. Still, Sakuya’s eyes winced tight, eyebrows coming together as a shaky breath was knocked out of him as his back slammed into the metal.

"Sakuya...  _Sakuya,_ é-écoute moi. _.._ (listen to me)"

“No! Stop it! Yuuya, let me go. Let me GO!”

Sakuya’s fingers angrily clawed at Yuuya’s front, pushing and tugging to get his brother to move somehow. He kept his eyes closed still, unable to meet Yuuya’s, his desperate fighting more out of anger and embarrassment and less for actually escaping. Deep down he knew he wasn’t strong enough to move Yuuya, not when he was over him like this, not when he had clear determination. It was frustrating beyond all means - fighting, knowing you would lose either way. He let flow anyway, feet kicking now at Yuuya’s shins as his fingers curled around the loose tie at his brother’s neck.

The sharp touches, the way Sakuya fought against him, trying to push space in between them,  _trying to escape -_ Yuuya's body felt so numb at this point that none of the pain entirely registered. 

" _Sakuya_!"

“No! Just let me go! Yuuya I swear if you don’t, I’m going t…”

Yuuya's hands moved just as quickly, trying to block his brother's assaults before he finally raised a hand and made a fist; a marvelous display that Sakuya could see for himself. Sakuya had opened his eyes just then, seeing Yuuya’s fist raised and pointed at him, his sentence fizzled into nothing, gaze darting from his brother’s face as that fist came down in his direction. Blue hues widened in terror, only to shut quickly waiting for the painful impact. But... Instead of striking the noble where he stood, Yuuya _slammed_ his fist right into the locker above Sakuya's head; the ' _bang!_ ' resonating off the other lockers around it. He shoved his brother backward, pushing him up into the metal cabinets to pin him there as he pressed one leg in-between Sakuya's own with his free arm snaking around a trim waist.

The sound of Yuuya’s fist hitting the metal instead still made Sakuya jump and shift away from the impact, a scared whimper betraying him and slipping past his lips.

Yuuya wanted his brother's attention and he needed him to  _stop_. Striking fear into him wasn't anything that he would ever wish to do under normal circumstances, but Sakuya wouldn't  _listen_. Yuuya's breathing was labored as he bowed his head, one side of their face touching against the other's. Yuuya's cheek was still wet from tears, their faces flushed from embarrassment and anger and panic. He swallowed hard before he relaxed his fist, slowly pulling his hand down to lay at the back of Sakuya's head. Tenderly, his fingers threaded through silken, short locks of light blue hair. He hugged his brother closer to him, pulling him flush against his chest as the two of them stood where they were in silence. 

Sakuya let his head hit gently to the metal behind him, fingers trembling and still holding tight to Yuuya’s dangling tie, no fight left in him as his brother crowded him in and held him in place. He looked down to the side, fighting the overwhelming urge to let his tears fall freely, not wanting to look like this in front of Yuuya - to fall apart like he felt he was so close to doing.

The shaking wouldn’t stop, even as Yuuya tugged him forward into his embrace, those long fingers tangling into his hair. He didn’t care, couldn’t bring himself to be bothered any longer about what Yuuya looked like, or that he would get Sakuya’s clothes dirty. Sakuya’s fingers tightened, caught between both their bodies as he let his head fall forward closer to his brother.

"Je sais," Yuuya whispered. "Je sais ce qu'il a fait. (I know. I know what he did.)"

Everything was quiet now as Yuuya raised his face, closing his eyes as he pressed and held a chaste kiss to Sakuya's temple. He didn't loosen his hold, keeping their embrace close and secure.

_'No. No you can’t know. You aren’t supposed to.'_

The gentle kiss to his forehead had Sakuya frowning, eyes closed tightly to somehow fight off the pain, fight away everything he knew would come spilling out if he met Yuuya’s gaze.

"Parce que je l'ai vécu, aussi. (Because I've lived it, too.)"

Sakuya could feel the way Yuuya's chest caved in on itself. His older brother pressed his face into short strands of hair as Yuuya tried to keep himself from crying but it was to no avail. Yuuya's palm slipped down from the back of his brother's head to cradle the other side of his face, turning to look back at him as his eyes opened just enough to look back down at him.

_'...What? No…No, that's... It can’t be…'_

Sakuya felt panic well up once again, questioning everything that had happened to him in the past years. The pain, the purpose, the promises. None of it was making any sense now…if Yuuya had been through the same. Why? Why would that happen to both of them? Sakuya had endured it because he had to…to be the heir…it was the only way, that's what he was told…

No. He must be mistaken. It wasn’t the same…what Yuuya was talking about. It couldn’t be the same. It made no sense. Trembling fingers released Yuuya’s tie to flatten against his chest, fingers curling gently along the collar of his ruined white shirt as he finally met his eyes. 

Pain. So much pain was evident across his brother’s face. It wasn’t fair like that - to make Sakuya see the truth he didn’t want, to feel that sinful tug that they both shared something so disgusting and venomous. 

Seeing Yuuya like that… Sakuya felt tears falling, slowly drifting down his cheeks silently, unable to stop all that was now breaking apart. He cried like that, quiet, knowing, listening still to Yuuya’s confession.

"This wasn't supposed to happen. N-Not to you... I-I took it all for you...when you were little. I protected you from him, for as long as I could," his older brother whispered again, sweeping his thumb along Sakuya's cheekbone. Yuuya's eyes studied his younger brother's face, swallowing hard. "That was his...his deal... I-If I... If I took it, then he would never touch you. Ever. You're his precious heir... You're his favorite. You didn't deserve to suffer his wrath, when you had done  _nothing_ to deserve it. Y-You didn't exist out of spite to him. You didn't remind him of our father. So why? Wh-Why would he do this to you? I never... I never  _dreamed_ that he would break his word...after he had me sent away. If I had known... _Sakuya, if I had known, I would have come back for you sooner_. I had no idea. I... H-How long? How long has he done this?"

Yuuya pressed another kiss to his brother's hairline before standing completely straight in front of him, bringing their foreheads together as he continued to cradle Sakuya's face.

Sakuya finally tore his gaze away, eyes blankly staring at the thin, precise cuts along Yuuya’s collar bones. He made no attempt to wipe his tears away; they refused to stop now, his embarrassment had flooded out of his body, now faced only with shame. His voice cracked, barely coming as a whisper at first.

“I…it… It was the day after. The day after you left."

Yuuya's heart stopped.

He…he…came to me. He said. He said that now it was time, time to begin my training. That…that every good heir, has… _skills_ …knows how to carry themselves, how to react. That… That it was the only way. That it was the  _proper_  way, to go about things. If I refused, if…if I failed, I could never be the heir. I would be replaced. He never mentioned you, not in this way. I never knew.”

His eyes wavered as he stared back down at his brother, taking in everything Sakuya was saying. His mind reeled with memories, particularly of that day he could always recall so well but never fondly. Yuuya's hold on Sakuya began to tremble; unable to believe, not  _wanting_ to believe. He felt sick. He felt  _so sick_. Everything within him was twisting up, wrenching, wanting to expel the rage that was at its bursting point in any way possible. A fresh glimmer of blood reached his nose again, a new stream slowly trickling down Yuuya's upper lip as his body rattled with animosity and resentment. 

His eyes roamed back across Sakuya's face, tears rolling down their cheeks. Sakuya's expression was full of so much humiliation and  _shame_. Their eyes never met; his brother refused to meet with his own. But he could see the torment clear as day on his younger brother's expression, the way he flinched and tensed up.

It  _killed_ him. It destroyed him a thousand times over to see Sakuya like this, more than when he was crying after him as a child - chasing as fast as he could after his older brother who was being carried away against his own will until their mother swooped Sakuya up into her arms to stop him. Yuuya had fought hard against the guard that had dragged him from the mansion, earning himself several bruises and a busted lip in the process; but he couldn't break free. He could only cry and scream after Sakuya - reaching out for him, telling him that he loved him, that he would see him again soon, to be good, to stick up for himself against his older siblings and  _to not forget him_.

' _That stupid boy! Shut him up! Take Sakuya inside, he doesn't need to hear that mongrel's manic ramblings!'_

But this... What stood in front of him now couldn't compare. Sakuya was  _broken_. He was falling apart right in front of him, this confident, beautiful boy who always acted so able and determined. Yuuya knew that Sakuya was looked up to by his own classmates for that reason; despite how they all thought that their student council president was a bit stuck up and pompous. 

Yuuya pressed another kiss to his brother's hairline before standing completely straight in front of him, bringing their foreheads together as he continued to cradle Sakuya's face. Blood from his nose had slowly stopped, this bleed not nearly as bad as it had been back in the infirmary. 

Sakuya leaned closer, letting Yuuya’s lips touch to his forehead as he clenched his teeth, the flood of shame hitting him hard, even after finally speaking the truth. It was a difficult thing to live with, one that he never wanted his brother to know of, one that he always preferred to hide; he never wanted to tell anyone. But now…

"S-Sakuya, you can come back with me. I'll keep you safe. No one will ever touch you again... Not him, not Iwamine. I-I'll kill him, je vais le faire. (I will do it) I should have... I should have when I had the chance. I could have done it... I-I should have killed him and stolen you away, before he had the chance to send me away, to take me away from you. Sakuya... Je suis tellement désolé... (I'm so sorry)"

The noble couldn’t make them stop now, the hot tears pouring down, his whole body trembling in Yuuya’s grip as he tried to contain the heartbroken sounds threatening to escape from his mouth. He felt Yuuya’s lips against his face, trailing in no direction, making no attempt to avoid his tears. He wanted desperately to accept Yuuya’s touches, to let his mind stop worrying over the fact that he finally knew the sickening truth, but he couldn’t. Each gentle touch stabbed further into his heart the fact that he was  _impure_ , not worthy of such loving care.

More apologies, gentle and tender, fell from Yuuya's mouth in French as he continued to press kisses along Sakuya's face; slow and sweet. Against his temple, his hairline, his cheek, the side of his mouth. He still didn't let go of the other, more tears slowly streaming down his face as he continued with his apologies.

"I-I don't e-ever expect you to forgive me... I-I've done far too many things...to ever be forgiven, by anyone. B-But if I could go back... If I could take all of this pain from you, even now, I would. I would, a million times over. For every life I live after this one. I would carry it all for you... Y-You didn't deserve this, Sakuya. None of this..."

Yuuya touched their foreheads together again and closed his eyes, tears still trickling down his face.

"Je t'aime... Et je suis tellement désolé ... pour ne pas être là pour vous. (I love you and I am so sorry for not being there for you). Vous avez besoin de moi et je vous avez échoué. (You needed me and I failed you)"

_'No. No, this wasn’t supposed to be like this. None of this…no.'_

Sakuya pushed against his brother’s chest weakly as he moved his head to the side, eyebrows knitting together as a pained sob slipped through his lips. Yuuya's eyes reopened to stare back down at his brother once again, his face following after Sakuya's as the other turned away from him. His heart ached violently as he heard a sob fall from Sakuya's lips, watching the angry and defeated tears still roll down his cheeks. 

“No. Yuuya, no. Please, don’t…don’t touch me anymore. I…I’m… Je ne suis pas pure (I’m not pure). Je suis crasseuse (I am filthy), dégoûtant (disgusting). Je ne mérite pas votre touch (I do not deserve your touch). You…You didn’t fail...it…it’s what has to be done. I had to. The only way…it’s the only way. He told me. Every time. If I could just…be a  _good boy_ , everything…everything would…”

Sakuya tried, pushed his hardest against his brother’s chest until he gave up completely, feeling his legs finally succumb to their tremble and give out, his back hitting against the lockers behind them as he managed a half step backwards before letting his form drop to the floor.

Yuuya's eyes widened as Sakuya stepped away, the youth's back pressed to the lockers before sliding down to the floor. At least his descent was somewhat slow... Yuuya stared, still shaking, before he began to step forward and dropped down to his knees next to the other silently. He withheld his touch for only a moment, but was soon reaching back out for the other; cradling Sakuya's face within a palm once again, his other arm moving to try and collect Sakuya against him.

"Non, Sakuya..." he whispered back out, pulling his brother partially into his lap. He pressed their faces close together, keeping his tear-stained eyes on his brother's as his lips moved against Sakuya's own. "Vous êtes parfait comme vous êtes (You are perfect as you are). Vous êtes pur dans mes yeux (You are pure in my eyes). Mon beau petit frère (My beautiful little brother)... Pas un pouce de vous est ternie ou sale (Not an inch of you is tarnished or dirty)."

And that was the truth.

It hurt. It hurt so much to say these things out loud, to voice how Sakuya truly felt about himself. For all of the frills and polished shoes and fresh pressed shirts, Sakuya got ready every morning and still felt dirty every time. It didn’t matter how many baths he took, or how long he scrubbed - the feeling would never go completely away. What was worse even more than that; he was conditioned to enjoy some of the aspects, something in his mind had clicked years ago to translate the pain into pleasure, his  _training_  getting that much more difficult after he started reacting  _positively_.

Sakuya didn’t want his brother to know that, to have any idea of just how disgusting he really was in his own mind; his pride and status were just a front. Beneath it all stood a depraved child, bent and twisted by games and rules no one should be familiar with at that age. He couldn’t run from it; it was part of who he was now.

_'Why? Why do you touch me still?'_

Sakuya shook his head, angry tears refusing to stop as he pulled his gaze away from Yuuya’s - it was too painful to look at him, even still. Perhaps it was worse now, to know that his brother knew - knew intimately the things he had gone through.

"Vous pouvez pleurer (You can cry)," Yuuya spoke again tenderly, despite his tone wavering. He could still see Sakuya trying to fight it all, withhold all of his emotions that he had carried and withheld without release for so long. Yuuya pulled his brother fully into his lap now, arms wrapped secure around Sakuya's trim form before pressing a firm kiss against the side of his mouth as his eyes closed tightly. "Vous pouvez pleurer tout ce que vous voulez (You can cry all you want). Vous êtes en sécurité avec moi (You are safe with me)."

Sakuya let his form be shifted, fitting carefully into Yuuya’s lap as he used to when they were much younger. He had no fight left in his arms or legs anymore, he knew if he tried to get up and run for the door that his legs would just crumple below him once again. 

The kiss to the side of his mouth lingered, Yuuya’s lips foreign to him now - it had been far too many years since they last shared intimate moments like this, just small children hugging and kissing each side of each other’s cheeks.

Sakuya’s hands drifted up, tugging once more on his brother's tie, this time pulling his mouth to his own, surprised blue eyes widening in his watery sight before the younger closed them. His mouth moved slowly, at first just his lips meeting Yuuya’s cautiously, not sure if he would push away or break the kiss quickly. When none of that happened immediately, Sakuya pushed against Yuuya harder, fingers trembling with uncertainty and sadness, tears still squeezing past his shut eyes. He stayed like this for as long as he could, a familiar comfort washing over him as it used to; being so close and wrapped in Yuuya’s arms was truly the only time he felt alright.

There was a soft, trembling touch at his chest, something Yuuya barely felt. The noble's grip was firm as Sakuya tugged, forcing the back of Yuuya's tie to pull him forward. Tear-stained blue eyes opened a fraction behind his gold-framed glasses as his mouth was dragged closer to Sakuya's, their mouths meeting together. Yuuya became completely still as his eyes shot open in alarm, fingers curling into the back of Sakuya's coat. He made no movement whatsoever, staring back at those equally widened, somewhat fearful eyes that bore right back up into his own before Sakuya's lashes fell to close tightly. Lips against his own parted hesitantly. Yuuya held his breath. His grip on Sakuya's coat tightened as it matched the way his brother continued to pull at the front of his tie. Curious, sad, grief-stricken gestures left Sakuya trembling in Yuuya's lap as his little brother clung to him, seeking out some sort of familiarity; comfort; anything he could and Yuuya would not deny him.

Yuuya's heart heaved and it ached anew; he finally released his breath with quiet tears. What a blessing this was, just to hold Sakuya as he did now, to feel him close and warm.

Quivering lips finally divided, slanting their mouths together as Yuuya met Sakuya in an ardent kiss. Eyes were shut tight as another tear dripped down his cheek, one hand rising up from Sakuya's lower back to hold the back of his head; fingers pushing into soft, silken, sweet-smelling locks of hair that matched his own shade of blue. Pulling his brother as close as Yuuya could to his chest, he held that kiss for as long as he could, pouring everything he had into it; trying to fill Sakuya back up with love and affection that he had been robbed of for all of these years. His other hand pulled away from his brother's jacket to wrap back around his waist, keeping him warm between his heart that was bursting at its seams with love and arms that were solely meant to hold and protect.

Reluctantly Sakuya pushed his mouth away, his breath shaky and embarrassed at what he had just done, eyes drifting down to his clasp on the orange tie, scared to meet Yuuya’s gaze as he felt heat rise to his cheeks.

“Even now, am I still pure? Yuuya, you don’t know…you can’t know, what I’ve done. Ce que j'ai devenir (What I have become). Am I truly safe with you? How can that be, I feel there is nothing left of me to be safe. Il n'y a plus rien à enregistrer (There is nothing left to save). Things cannot change, je ne peux pas annuler ce que j'ai fait (I cannot undo what I have done). Vous ne pouvez pas me fixer (You cannot fix me).”

Sakuya released his fingers from Yuuya’s tie, hands coming up instead to press over his face, the shame of everything he had done boiling over with fresh tears as memories pounded against his mind.

Improper moments of him on his knees, of thick rulers coming down hard onto his back, his thighs…the commands, the sweat, the tears…bloodied welts and ugly bruises, hidden carefully under his pristine school uniform. Even now he healed a few, ones far from the prying eye tucked away under layers of clothes. He took it all, over and over again, as he was commanded to do.

It was too late for him. Yuuya was too late. He would always be like this. He would always be filthy.

_'Why? Why do you stay? Why won’t you leave me to rot, as I should?'_

"Sakuya..."

Yuuya breathed out his name so delicately, reverence laced within his tone. His hand on the back of Sakuya's head falling away so that he could press his fingers across the back of his brother's palms which hid his face, Yuuya's lips finding knuckles that he kissed over so sweetly. He tried to gently coax the younger into removing his hands from his face so he could see the fresh tears, see the way they stained his flushed cheeks, look at the agony and embarrassment and shame that colored Sakuya's bright eyes. Yuuya used both hands to catch those falling tears, sweeping them away from Sakuya's face as he drew their faces in together again; kissing over his forehead, his eyes, kiss-swollen lips and cheeks. 

Sakuya was weak. Mind and body suddenly so tired - so many things had changed since he had walked through the school’s doors. Sakuya was unprepared for all of this; he shook slightly as he felt his brothers lips and fingers at his own hands, reluctantly letting them drop back to his lap. He felt his own tears falling still, but processed none of the sadness, exhaustion from too many emotions pulling forward finally overtaking him. Sakuya still refused to look Yuuya in the eye, even when feeling gentle fingertips wipe away at his cheeks, lips searching along his face to provide comfort that struggled to break through. 

"Vous êtes pur (You are pure). Mon petit frère, what have you become? You are still my brother."

_'What have I become? I wish I knew. I wish I had an answer you would accept, brother.'_

_"Neither of us can undo what we've done and neither of us can forget what we've been through. But I--"_

Yuuya stopped as his face lifted, staring at the locked door of the music room.

The first bells of the school day chimed from the hallway, the shuffling of feet beyond the door louder than Yuuya could ever remember. Late students hurrying to class, voices passing by before doors were sliding closed so that classes could begin. Yuuya frowned. He was still on the floor in a bloodied, cut up, bruised mess with Sakuya equally disheveled within his lap, neither in any presentable state for anyone to see them. Sakuya’s hand raised to his heart to press, feeling the pounding there at the fear of getting caught, trying to calm himself, trying to figure out where they should go now…at least the music room would be empty the first period…at least students were not pouring in right this minute…

Blood had traveled onto Sakuya's pristine white coat in the midst of everything, which Yuuya took note of almost immediately. It wasn't a very big deal; he and Leone both knew how to get blood completely removed from most fabrics, but all of that would be in the janitor's room. With everyone in classes now, they wouldn't have any problem getting out of the music room to the stairwell but...

"Sakuya..."

Yuuya's attention returned to his brother. His hold never lifted, but he did cradle the other's face as he ran his thumb underneath one teary eye.

Were there any easy exits from the music room? Sakuya wracked his mind, trying to remember the layout of the stairs, what was furthest away from classrooms…where were they going? The locker rooms would be empty this early perhaps...no one had gym first period, right? But what about their clothes? Surely Yuuya was in no state to go to classes but…how would he leave looking like that? How could Sakuya himself go to class? He would already be late, and to show up with red smudged along his uniform...no. No that wouldn’t do…

"Regarde moi (Look at me)."

The command was tender; more of a desire than a disciplined demand. As soon as he had Sakuya's attention, Yuuya merely stared back into those glassy aquamarine eyes, fingers pushing up into a short hairline.

Sakuya finally looked up, the last of his tears trailing down his cheeks, mind racing with just how they were going to fix all of this; their clothes…skipping classes…the guilt still flowing steady along with his pulse.

"...Please, come with me." Yuuya knew he had already said it before and he pulled Sakuya's face back to his own before his brother could look away from him again. " _Please,_ Sakuya. You don't have to stay with him... You don't have to live like that any longer, pretending that everything is the same as it was. You don't have to live with them. You know everything now - if he found out..." Yuuya stopped himself; no, he  _didn't_ want to know what would happen because nothing  _would_. He would never let Le Bel take it that far. "...I can't...promise you a life of luxury, like the one his money can. But I can promise you that you would be very well cared for and safe and  _happy_. You wouldn't have to hide your joys or who you are or your passions, your  _music_. But most importantly, he would never be able to touch you again."

Sakuya let himself be pushed forward, no longer scared of the intimacy of being so close to Yuuya, his body heat inviting as were his lips.

_'Leave? Leave now? But…I cannot. It is not that simple…brother, you know this. I…'_

Yuuya smoothed his palm out around the back of Sakuya's head again, bringing their faces together as he closed his eyes; lips close to his brother's once more.

"You don't...have to give me an answer right now, as much as I want to hear yes, mon petit frère . But, just know that I am here for you and only you. And that I can take you away from him, far away. Ce pourrait être les deux de nous (It could be the two of us). Et nous pouvons être sale et cassé ensemble (And we can be filthy and broken together)."

 Sakuya reached his fingers up between them both, curling slowly into the fine hairs along his brothers neck, trailing further up to swipe close to behind each ear. He pushed his forehead to Yuuya’s shoulder, nose filling with the vaguely familiar scent of Shuu and the infirmary first, but then finally catching what he wanted - whatever it was that was simply Yuuya. He spoke then, quiet against his brother’s form, lips mumbling against his neck.

“Yuuya…it is not safe right now…here. We have to go. We have to, before someone sees. Je ne peux pas être vu comme ceci (I cannot be seen like this).”

Was Sakuya choosing not to answer him? Or perhaps he truly did need some time to think things through before giving Yuuya any sort of definitive answer? What Yuuya was asking of his brother would have more of an impact on Sakuya than on himself. Leaving Le Bel and the security and luxuries his money afforded Sakuya was something just about anyone would have had a hard time walking away from, regardless if abuse was involved. Too many people would have considered it just the 'price to pay' to live such a privileged life. A part of Yuuya feared that would be the case with Sakuya - that he would hang onto what he knew well and what was comfortable and where he felt secure... But a part of him would also never lose hope that one day they would truly be reunited, with no reason to hide and with no fears, no matter what it took.

Yuuya's eyes fell closed, savoring the simplest touch of Sakuya's bare fingertips grazing along his skin. He turned his face as Sakuya's fell forward into his shoulder, his hand rising up higher along the back of his brother's head. 

"Ne vous inquiétez pas (Do not worry)."

' _Ne vous inquiétez pas, Sakuya, je suis ici (Do not worry, Sakuya, I'm here)._ '

It certainly was tempting - the promise of a life only with Yuuya, safe and hidden away from Le Bel. Would they live together in a posh apartment? Would he be able to follow his dreams - apply to the music college he lusted over? Vague images of himself walking along the sidewalk, school bag across his chest, feet scuffing up the short pathway to where they lived together, Yuuya’s surprisingly clean handwriting scrawled across a note on the kitchen counter telling him that dinner was in the refrigerator, and that he would be home late.

Could it really all be that simple? Was something like that even obtainable? It all seemed so…out of reach. Just dreams.

_'He has always been like that - a romantic. A dreamer. Brother…'_

It felt familiar; at least to Yuuya. The way he lifted Sakuya up into his arms, muscles that had become stronger over the years. From a young boy who carried his frightened and crying baby sibling down a dark corridor in the middle of the night to hide away from monsters in his room to what they were now, Sakuya bundled up against his chest as Yuuya made his way past the rows of desks and chairs to the locked music door. The shuffling of feet had stopped, students now within their rooms for class. Yuuya held no fear or hesitation as he twisted open the doorknob, glancing behind him. There was evidence of some sort of a scuffle, one or two of the desk overturned but the darkness of the room played shadows over any sight of blood. It didn't matter to him. Sakuya had a key, certainly, but it could be twisted around and pointed to whoever had been in the room last in the previous day.

Sakuya kept his eyes closed, aware that Yuuya had stood up, silently thanking him for his strength as he clung along his brother’s shoulders. He didn’t want to see any of it right now - reality, the possibility of anyone seeing them. If he didn’t open his eyes it was like it wasn’t happening.  He hid like that, face shoved like a child to his brother’s shoulder, refusing to acknowledge any sounds - the door opening, Yuuya’s feet against the tile.

Could they ever be safe? Now? In the future? Was it possible to escape something like this? To just…leave? What would his father do? 

_'What could he do? What can I do? How…how can we…'_

Yuuya's shoes echoed softly in the empty hallway. The low hum of electricity filled the hallway that was now lit, voices far away hidden behind classroom doors as the morning classes began. He hugged Sakuya more firmly to his chest as he made the quick dash past several windows before reaching a stairwell near the center of the hallway, pulling it open and then easing it closed so that it wouldn't slam shut behind them. Both arms hooked underneath Sakuya better, fixing his grip, before descending the few flights of stairs to get to the sub-level where he knew Leone stayed.

If anyone knew how to get blood out of clothes, it would be  _him_.

As he walked down the small, darkened hallway toward the only visible light peeking out through a partially opened door, Yuuya turned half of his face into Sakuya's neck.

"Sakuya? Je t'aime... (I love you...)" he mumbled against him, pausing for a moment. 

_'I know. I’ve always known. I still…'_

Sakuya’s breath was shaky, an exhausted little huff against his brother's neck as his fingers gripped desperately at Yuuya’s shoulders, as if everything would fall apart at the mere idea of him letting go.

_'Please. Don’t leave again. Brother…'_

"Vous ne devez pas vous inquiéter plus, mon petit frère (You do not have to worry anymore, my little brother)."

Yuuya's eyes fell closed, arms around his brother's form tightening.

"Parce que je suis ici pour rester (Because I'm here to stay)."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE BOTH WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING AND FOR ALL THE SUPPORT, KUDOS AND WONDERFUL COMMENTS!!!
> 
> We're sorry, like VERY SORRY, if this broke or destroyed you but it 1000% destroyed us and we teared up several times while writing and putting the chapters together. We hope you all enjoyed it to the very end!
> 
> Feel free to contact either of us on Tumblr (meeokie and jfcseku) since our ask boxes are always open to discussing bird boyfriends and feels!!!♥


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